You Probably Shouldn’t Say That. And Yet…(Groundbreaking Science of Disagreeing Well) | Julia Minson

You make a sort of like a bold statement, we are in a disagreement crisis.

[chuckles] Take me into this.

Yeah.

I mean, I think people are having a harder time than ever, uh, disagreeing about things that sort of matter to them.

And, you know, some of that has changed because we have changed our expectations about what a reasonable conversation is and what are all the sorts of things we ought to be able to talk about, right? Like, we used to have sort of unspoken, kind of spoken rules about how, you know, you don't talk about, like, politics, money, and religion, right? Um, and now I think especially post the pandemic, there's this expectation that you can talk about anything, right? You sort of like bring your whole self to work, your entire identity.

You know, people see your, like, Zoom background, you know, the pictures of your kids, which candidate you voted for, like, all of these things are sort of just out there.

Um, and so people are much more aware of disagreements, uh, than they used to be, right? You sort of like have a good sense of where this person is coming from, and then there's a decision to make about whether you want to have this conversation or not have this conversation, and I think most of the time the answer is, "No, I don't wanna have that conversation." [chuckles]

Yeah.

Is, is that a good thing or a bad thing that we are more almost, like, situationally aware of where people stand on a wide range of things that may matter to each of us? Um, whereas in, in the past, you know, maybe we kinda sussed it out or trying to figure it out, but also it wasn't generally a reason to engage in a way that might cause friction or disagreement.

I, I remember reading this study quite a while back that looked at parents of kids who were dating somebody new, and w- how much of a concern, um, their, um, political affiliation was.

And the two generations ago, they're kinda like, "Eh, yeah, like, whatever.

It'd be nice if they were sort of, like, like, well aligned with me, but it's, it's not a huge thing." Radically different now.

And I think also you don't have to go looking for it, like you just said.

It's just out there.

So-

Right

... is that a good thing or bad thing or just a thing? [chuckles]

You know, I think it's, it's a big thing, right? It's sort of like not just a thing, but then is it good or bad sort of depends on how we handle it.

Um, I think it's definitely bad when it causes you to sever relationships with people you really care about, you know, causes you to have, you know, avoid certain topics or sort of make assumptions about people.

Um, but it could be good because you could have these, like, incredibly interesting conversations, right? Like, it could be, uh, something that really gives you insight into the world and gives you, um, recognition for how other people think and how other people live.

And, um, I think we have this tension where on one hand we know a lot about people we disagree with, um, and on the other hand, well, we know who we disagree with, right? We know, like, the person wearing that T-shirt or wearing that hat is a person I disagree with, but then we actually know very little about them and how they think because we're afraid of approaching the conversation, and we don't have sort of the right toolkit.

Yeah.

Do you think that we tell ourselves that we do know them, though, and that we do know how they think and what they're thinking and, like, everything behind it, simply 'cause we just assume that into existence?

Yeah.

No, I think that's absolutely true.