Sep 9, 2026 · 59 min · 15 segments
**Do you actually like them… or do you just really fucking want them to like you?** This week, I’m joined by Nadège, sex scholar and founder of Pleasure Science, and we’re getting into the psychology…
Tatum ZoeeeHostto sex the first time that we have a humiliating sexual experience whether it's you farted during sex or you were rejected by the girl that you wanted and she said you had a small penis or whatever it is whatever humiliating moment about our bodies or sex that we have we actually internalize and take with us into every single sexual experience we have later and so for one of my clients when she was 10 she was playing around on the internet on her brother's computer and found his little porn stash.
And it was just very shocking.
And that haunted her for years.
Another client of mine, like I had just said, he was young.
He liked this girl.
They started hooking up and she laughed at his penis.
She said his penis was too small.
And so it really, and then for queer people too, or non-binary people, there's also, and trans people, there's the struggle of feeling at home in your body and you're performing one gender when inside you're really another, but maybe you haven't transitioned yet.
For queer people, it's, oh i might be a lesbian but i'm trying to have sex with this man and it's horrible right and so no matter what gender you are we all have this first sexual experience that usually led to some sort of shame or humiliation and this is because we live in a society that literally profits off of our sexual shame and humiliation right and so from a dating psychology standpoint When we have a traumatic experience that we shove down, which is usually what we do with sex, it's what we're taught to do, then what's happening psychologically is there is a loop, a psychological loop that has not closed.
And when a loop has not closed, we will try to relive it.
We will try to close it.
We will try to recreate it.
And Carl Jung famously said that what you keep in the subconscious, any subconscious need, If you are not getting it met consciously, it will find a way to get met on its own.
So the man who has a small penis who just wants to feel strong is going to put himself in situations with women where maybe he's now abusive, maybe he's now mean, maybe he's now angry.
Or on the opposite end of the spectrum, maybe he's over giving, maybe he's too nice, maybe he's shrinking.
You can think of women who are always dating fuckboys.
They're trying to recreate a situation where they get chosen because maybe at some point they didn't feel chosen.
You see queer people who are trying to fill a loop of feeling belonging because usually they were the ones who were told they don't belong.
And then for trans people or non-binary people, They're trying to be seen.
They're trying to be validated and trying to be like, this is my body.
It doesn't matter what I look like on the outside.
Like this is what my soul is.
And so these are big generalizations, but they're definitely trends that I notice.
And so in dating psychology, the reason we date people who are terrible for us and actually chase them.
One part is we're trying to actually close a psychological loop.
to sex the first time that we have a humiliating sexual experience whether it's you farted during sex or you were rejected by the girl that you wanted and she said you had a small penis or whatever it is whatever humiliating moment about our bodies or sex that we have we actually internalize and take with us into every single sexual experience we have later and so for one of my clients when she was 10 she was playing around on the internet on her brother's computer and found his little porn stash.
And it was just very shocking.
And that haunted her for years.
Another client of mine, like I had just said, he was young.
He liked this girl.
They started hooking up and she laughed at his penis.
She said his penis was too small.
And so it really, and then for queer people too, or non-binary people, there's also, and trans people, there's the struggle of feeling at home in your body and you're performing one gender when inside you're really another, but maybe you haven't transitioned yet.
For queer people, it's, oh i might be a lesbian but i'm trying to have sex with this man and it's horrible right and so no matter what gender you are we all have this first sexual experience that usually led to some sort of shame or humiliation and this is because we live in a society that literally profits off of our sexual shame and humiliation right and so from a dating psychology standpoint When we have a traumatic experience that we shove down, which is usually what we do with sex, it's what we're taught to do, then what's happening psychologically is there is a loop, a psychological loop that has not closed.
And when a loop has not closed, we will try to relive it.
We will try to close it.
We will try to recreate it.
And Carl Jung famously said that what you keep in the subconscious, any subconscious need, If you are not getting it met consciously, it will find a way to get met on its own.
So the man who has a small penis who just wants to feel strong is going to put himself in situations with women where maybe he's now abusive, maybe he's now mean, maybe he's now angry.
Or on the opposite end of the spectrum, maybe he's over giving, maybe he's too nice, maybe he's shrinking.
You can think of women who are always dating fuckboys.
They're trying to recreate a situation where they get chosen because maybe at some point they didn't feel chosen.
You see queer people who are trying to fill a loop of feeling belonging because usually they were the ones who were told they don't belong.
And then for trans people or non-binary people, They're trying to be seen.
They're trying to be validated and trying to be like, this is my body.
It doesn't matter what I look like on the outside.
Like this is what my soul is.
And so these are big generalizations, but they're definitely trends that I notice.
And so in dating psychology, the reason we date people who are terrible for us and actually chase them.
One part is we're trying to actually close a psychological loop.
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