You Can't Optimize Your Way Out of Grief with Phil Cohen

I think the real cost of pushing through is that you end up performing recovery instead of doing it.

And performance is expensive.

I was spending every unit of energy that I had making other people feel comfortable with my grief.

looking functional in meetings, holding it together in the hallway.

Meanwhile, the actual work of grieving wasn't happening.

It was just accruing interest.

And there was a deeper cost.

I started questioning whether I was still a father.

I struggled with my faith.

And those are not questions you could just push through.

Those are questions you actually have to sit inside.

And most high performers have spent their whole life building the skill of Not sitting inside anything.

So the biggest thing that I see is what happens when people start to push through is that they don't actually do the work.

And the fact is, man, you can't outwork this thing.

You can't outsmoke it.

You can't outsex it.

You can't outdrink it.

It will wait for you.

Grief is very, very patient.

And I often say there is no real healing from grief.

It's doing the grief work that is the healing.

And that's often some of the hardest part for people to do is to actually do the work because so many people feel broken.

And that's one of my biggest messages.

Man, I thought I was so, I thought I was going crazy.

I thought I was broken.

I think the real cost of pushing through is that you end up performing recovery instead of doing it.

And performance is expensive.

I was spending every unit of energy that I had making other people feel comfortable with my grief.

looking functional in meetings, holding it together in the hallway.

Meanwhile, the actual work of grieving wasn't happening.

It was just accruing interest.

And there was a deeper cost.

I started questioning whether I was still a father.

I struggled with my faith.

And those are not questions you could just push through.

Those are questions you actually have to sit inside.

And most high performers have spent their whole life building the skill of Not sitting inside anything.

So the biggest thing that I see is what happens when people start to push through is that they don't actually do the work.

And the fact is, man, you can't outwork this thing.

You can't outsmoke it.

You can't outsex it.

You can't outdrink it.

It will wait for you.

Grief is very, very patient.

And I often say there is no real healing from grief.

It's doing the grief work that is the healing.

And that's often some of the hardest part for people to do is to actually do the work because so many people feel broken.

And that's one of my biggest messages.

Man, I thought I was so, I thought I was going crazy.

I thought I was broken.