Apr 27, 2026 · 1 hr 2 min · 24 segments
How do you actually know who's in charge in a D/s dynamic? Not who's wearing the collar, not who's claimed the title, not even who's doing what to whom. The one who's deciding is the one who's…
But then you can get in these situations, and I've had people ask me this question before, saying, after hearing me teach about polarity, like if I am a, if a woman is a submissive and she is the receptive, then if she is giving sexually to her dominant, is she actually in the dominant position? Is she the dom in that moment? Or if you think about something that might look very submissive, I've had dominants who are into certain sexual acts that might be seen as very submissive.
Or if you were to observe a scene and a dominant was on his knees pleasuring his submissive, he's kneeling in front of her and giving to her.
Is he the submissive being on his knees in front of her? So we can't always be certain, or I guess there isn't always a very clear way to know who's in charge, and that even happens on the inside of a dynamic.
You can be on the inside of a dynamic, on the inside of a relationship, and sometimes wonder or think that you might be in, the one in the lead or the one who's following, and that might not be the case at all.
So the labels, the agreement, the role that's claimed, the actions that are being taken are not indicative of who's actually in charge.
In both of the cases that I mentioned, like a submissive giving sexually to her dominant or the dominant on his knees in front of her going down on her, who is the dominant one?Who's the one who's in charge? Because it's not about the action, and it's not about the thing that's being done.
The way that we know who's actually in charge is by looking at who is the one who is making the decisions.
Who's the one who's deciding? Because the one who's deciding is the one who's in charge.
So if you look at your relationship, if you look at your dom/sub dynamic, if you look at maybe even a vanilla relationship, and you look at two people, you can tell who's leading by looking at who's the one who's making the decisions.
And a lot of confusion and a lot of heartbreak in relationships in general, whether they're dom/sub or not, comes from the misunderstanding of power and the way that power works and moves in a relationship when it's working well.
And so that might sound simple, right? The one who's deciding, the one who is making the choice is the one who's in charge.
But then you can get in these situations, and I've had people ask me this question before, saying, after hearing me teach about polarity, like if I am a, if a woman is a submissive and she is the receptive, then if she is giving sexually to her dominant, is she actually in the dominant position? Is she the dom in that moment? Or if you think about something that might look very submissive, I've had dominants who are into certain sexual acts that might be seen as very submissive.
Or if you were to observe a scene and a dominant was on his knees pleasuring his submissive, he's kneeling in front of her and giving to her.
Is he the submissive being on his knees in front of her? So we can't always be certain, or I guess there isn't always a very clear way to know who's in charge, and that even happens on the inside of a dynamic.
You can be on the inside of a dynamic, on the inside of a relationship, and sometimes wonder or think that you might be in, the one in the lead or the one who's following, and that might not be the case at all.
So the labels, the agreement, the role that's claimed, the actions that are being taken are not indicative of who's actually in charge.
In both of the cases that I mentioned, like a submissive giving sexually to her dominant or the dominant on his knees in front of her going down on her, who is the dominant one?Who's the one who's in charge? Because it's not about the action, and it's not about the thing that's being done.
The way that we know who's actually in charge is by looking at who is the one who is making the decisions.
Who's the one who's deciding? Because the one who's deciding is the one who's in charge.
So if you look at your relationship, if you look at your dom/sub dynamic, if you look at maybe even a vanilla relationship, and you look at two people, you can tell who's leading by looking at who's the one who's making the decisions.
And a lot of confusion and a lot of heartbreak in relationships in general, whether they're dom/sub or not, comes from the misunderstanding of power and the way that power works and moves in a relationship when it's working well.
And so that might sound simple, right? The one who's deciding, the one who is making the choice is the one who's in charge.
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Who’s Actually In Charge?
Let’s redefine how power really works
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The hidden ways leadership gets punished
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A blunt test for real authority
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