Drummer or The Haunted House - Joseph Addison

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PREFACE OF THE DRUMMER OR THE HAUNTED HOUSE by Joseph Addison Having recommended this play to the town, and delivered the copy of it to the bookseller, I think myself obliged to give some account of it.

it had been some years in the hands of the author and falling under my perusal i thought so well of it that i persuaded him to make a few additions and alterations to it and let it appear upon the stage i own i was very highly pleased with it and liked it the better for the want of those studied similes and repartees which we who have writ before him have thrown into our plays to indulge and gain upon a false taste that has prevailed for many years in the british theatre I believe the author would have fallen into this way a little more than he has, had he, before the writing of it, been often present at theatrical representations, and observed the effect that such ornaments generally have upon the town.

I was confirmed in my thoughts of the play by the opinion of better judges to whom it was communicated, who observed that the scenes were written very much after Moliere's manner, and that an easy and natural vein of humour ran through the whole.

i do not question but the reader will discover this and see many beauties that escape the audience the touches being too delicate for every taste in the popular assembly my brother sharers were of opinion at the first reading of it that it was like a picture in which the strokes were not strong enough to appear with advantage at a distance as it is not in the common way of writing, the approbation was at first doubtful, but has risen every time it has been acted, and has given an opportunity in several of its parts for as just and good action as I ever saw on the stage.

The reader will consider that I speak here as the patentee, for which reason I forbear being more particular in the character of this play, lest I should appear like one who cries up the wares of his own shop to draw in customers.

Richard Steele Dramatis Personae.

Sir George Truman.

Read by Larry Wilson.

Tinsel.

Read by Thomas Peter.

Phantom.

The Drama.

Read by Son of the Exiles.

Vellum.

Sir George Truman's steward.

Read by Todd.

The Butler.

Read by T.J. Burns.

Coachman.

Read by Campbell Shelp.

Gardner.

read by allan mapstone

lady truman read by beth thomas abigail read by availle

stage directions read by devora allen the prologue

in this grave age when comedies are few we crave your patronage for one that's new though t were poor stuff yet bid the author fare and let the scarceness recommend the ware long have your ears been filled with tragic parts blood and blank verse have hardened all your hearts if e'er you smile tis at some party's strokes roundheads in wooden shoes or standing jokes the same conceit gives claps and hisses birth you're grown such politicians in your birth for once we try though tis i own unsafe to please you all and make both parties laugh the author anxious for his fame to-night and bashful in his first attempt to write lies cautiously obscure and unrevealed like ancient actors in a mask concealed since sure when no man knows who writes the play were much good malice merely thrown away the mighty critics will not blast for shame a raw young thing who dares not tell his name good-natured judges will th unknown defend and fear to blame lest they should hurt a friend each wit may praise it for his own dear sake and hint he writ it if the thing should take but if you're rough and use him like a dog depend upon it he'll remain in if you should hiss he swears he'll hiss as high and like a culprit join the hue and cry if cruel men are still averse to spare these scenes they fly for refuge to the fair Though with a ghost our comedy is heightened, Ladies, upon my word, you shan't be frightened.

Oh, tis a ghost that scorns to be uncivil, A well-spread, lusty, jointure-hunting devil, An amorous ghost that's faithful, fond, and true, Made up of flesh and blood as much as you.

Then every evening come in flocks, undaunted, We never think this house is too much haunted.

End of Preface Act I of The Drummer or The Haunted House by Joseph Addison.

act i a great hall enter the butler coachman and gardener

there came another coach to town last night that brought a gentleman to inquire about this strange noise we hear in the house this spirit will bring a power of custom to the george if so be he continues his pranks i design to sell a pot of ale and set up the sign of the drum

I'll give madam warning.

That's flat.

I've always lived in sober families.

I'll not disparage myself to be a servant in a house that is haunted.

I'll eat and marry now, and rent a bit of ground of me own if both of you leave madam.

Not but that madam's a very good woman, if Mistress Abigail did not spoil her.

Come, here's her health.

it's a very hard thing to be a butler in a house that is disturbed he made such a racket in the cellar last night that i'm afraid he'll sour all the beer in my barrels

why then john we ought to take it off as fast as we can here's to you he rattled so loud under the tiles last night that i verily thought the house would have fallen over our heads i durst not go up into the cock-loft this morning if i had not got one of the maids to go along with me i

thought i heard him in one of my bed-posts i marvel john how he gets into the house when all the gates are shut

why look ye peter your spirit will creep you into an auger-hole he'll whisk you through a keyhole without so much as justling against one of the wards

poor madam is mainly frightened that's certain and verily believes tis my master that was killed in the last campaign

out of all manner of question robin tis sir george mr sabagell is of the opinion it can be none but his honour he always loved the wars and you know he was mightily pleased from a child with the music of a drum i

wonder his body was never found after the battle

found why ye fool is not his body here about the house dost thou think he can beat his drum without hands and arms

his master as sure as i stand here alive and i verily believe i saw him last night in the town-clothes

ay how did he appear like a

white horse foh

robin i tell you he has never appeared yet but in the shape of the sound of a drum

this makes one almost afraid of one's own shadow as i was walking from the stable t'other night without my lanthorn i fell across a beam that lay in my way and faith my heart was in my mouth i thought i had stumbled over a spirit thou

mightest as well have stumbled over a straw why a spirit is such a little little thing that i have heard a man who was a great scholar say that he'll dance ye a lancashire hornpipe on the point of a needle as i sat in the pantry last night counting my spoons the candle methought burnt blue and the spade bitch looked as if she saw something ay

poor cur she's almost frightened out of her wits

ay i'll warrant you she hears him many a time and often when we don't

my lady must have him laid that's certain whatever it cost her

i fancy when one goes to market one might hear of somebody that can make a spell

why may not the parson of our parish lay him no

no no our parson cannot lay him

why not he as well

as

another man

why ye fool he is not qualified he has not taken the oaths

why do you think john that the spirit would take the law of him faith i could tell you one way to drive him off how's that i'll tell you immediately drinks i fancy mistress abigail might scold him out of the house

ay she has a tongue that would drown his drum if anything could this

is all froth you understand nothing of the matter the next time it makes a noise i tell you what ought to be done i would have the steward speak latin to it

ay that would do if the steward had but courage there you

have it he's a fearful man if i had as much learning as he and i met the ghost i'd tell him his own but alack what can one of us poor men do with a spirit that can neither write nor read

Thou art always cracking and boasting, Peter.

Thou dost not know what mischief it might do thee, if such a silly dog as thee should offer to speak to it.

For aught I know, he might flay thee alive, and make parchment of thy skin to cover his drum with.

Ah, fiddlestick! Tell me not.

I fear nothing, not I. I never did harm in my life.

I never committed murder.

i verily believe thee keep thy temper peter after supper we'll drink each of us a double mug and then let come what will

why that's well said john an honest man that is not quite sober has nothing to fear here's to ye why how if he should come this minute here would i stand What noise is that? Huh? Where? The devil.

The devil.

Oh, no. Tis Mistress Abigail.

Ay, faith.

Tis she.

Tis Mistress Abigail.

A good mistake.

Tis Mistress Abigail.

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enter abigail here are your drunken sots for you is this a time to be guzzling when gentry are coming to the house why don't you lay your cloth how come you out of the stables why are not you at work in your garden

why yonder's the fine londoner and madam fetching a walk together and me thought they looked as if they should say they had rather have my room than my company

and so forsooth being all three met together we are doing our endeavours to drink this same drummer out of our heads

for you must know mistress abigail we are all of opinion that one can't be a match for him unless one be as drunk as a drum i

am resolved to give madam warning to hire herself another coachman for i came to serve my master do you see while he was alive but do suppose that he has no further occasion for a coach now he walks

Truly, Mistress Abigail, I must needs say that this same spirit is a very odd sort of a body after all, to fright Madam and his old servants at this rate.

And truly, Mistress Abigail, I must needs say, I served my master contentedly while he was living, but I will serve no man living, that is, no man that is not living, Without double wages.

Ay,

tis such cowards as you that go about with idle stories, to disgrace the house and bring so many strangers about it.

You first frighten yourselves, and then your neighbours.

Frightened? I scorn your words.

Frightened quother.

What you thought? Are you grown pod valiant?

Frightened with a drum? That's a good one.

It will do us no harm, I'll answer for that.

It will bring no bloodshed along with it, take my word.

It sounds as like a train band drum as ever I heard in my life.

Perthy Peter, don't be so presumptuous.

Abigail, aside.

Well, these drunken rogues take it as I could wish.

I scorn to be frightened.

Now I'm in for it.

If old Dubba Dub should come into the room, I would take him.

Prithee, hold thy tongue.

I would take him.

The drum beats.

The gardener endeavors to get off and falls.

Speak

to it, Mistress Abigail.

Spare my life, and take all I have.

Make off, make off, good butler, and let us go hide ourselves in the cellar.

They all run off.

Abigail, Sola.

So, now the coast is clear, I may venture to call out my drummer.

But first let me shut the door, lest we be surprised.

Mr. Fanton? Mr.

Fanton? nay nay pray come out the enemy is fled i must speak with you immediately don't stay to beat the parley

the back scene opens and discovers phantom with a drum

dear mistress nebbe i have overheard all that has been said and find thou hast managed this thing so well that i could take thee in my arms and kiss thee if my drum did not stand in my way

well o my conscience you are the merriest ghost and the very picture of sir george truman

There you flatter me, mistress Abigail.

Sir George had that freshness in his looks that we men of the town cannot come up to.

Oh,

death may have altered you, you know.

Besides, you must consider you lost a great deal of blood in the battle.

Aye, that's right.

Let me look never so pale.

This cut cross my forehead will keep me in countenance.

"'Tis just such a one as my master received from a cursed French trooper, as my lady's letter informed her.'

"'It happens, luckily, that this suit of clothes of Sir George's fits me so well.

I think I can't fail hitting the air of a man with whom I was so long acquainted.'

"'You are the very man.

I vow I almost start when I look upon you.'

but what good will this do me if i must remain invisible ang

pray what good did your being visible do you the fair mr fantom thought no woman could withstand him but when you were seen by my lady in your proper person after she had taken a full survey of you and heard all the pretty things you could say she very civilly dismissed you for the sake of this empty noisy creature tinsel she fancies you have been gone from hence this fortnight

why really i love thy lady so well that though i had no hopes of gaining her for myself i could not bear to see her given to another especially to such a wretch as tinsel

well tell me truly mr fantom have not you a great opinion of my fidelity to my dear lady that i would not suffer her to be deluded in this manner for less than a thousand pound

you art always reminding me of my promise thou shalt have it if thou canst bring our project to bear dost not know that stories of ghosts and apparitions generally end in a pot of money

Why, truly now, Mr. Fanton, I should think myself a very bad woman if I had done what I do for a farthing less.

Dear Abigail, how I admire thy virtue.

No,

no, Mr. Fanton, I defy the worst of my enemies to say I love mischief for mischief's sake.

But is thy lady persuaded that I am the ghost of her deceased husband?

i endeavour to make her believe so and tell her every time your drum rattles that her husband is chiding her for entertaining this new lover

prithee make use of all thy art for i am tired to death with strolling round this wide old house like a rat behind a wainscot

Did not I tell you it was the purest place in the world for you to play your tricks in? There is none of the family that knows every hole and corner in it, besides myself.

Ah, Mistress Abigail, you have had your intrigues.

For you must know, when I was a romping young girl, I was a mighty lover of hide-and-seek.

I believe by this time I am as well acquainted with the house as yourself.

You are very much mistaken, Mr. Fantôme, but no matter for that.

Here is to be your station to-night.

This is the place unknown to any one living besides myself since the death of the joiner, who, you must understand, being a lover of mine, contrived Dwayne Scott to move to and fro in the manner that you find it.

I designed it for a wardrobe for my lady's cast clothes.' oh the stommickers petticoats commodes laced shoes and good things that i have had in it pray take care you don't break the cherry brandy bottle that stands up in the corner

well mistress abigail i hire your closet of you but for this one night a thousand pound you know is a very good rent

Well, get you gone.

You have such a way with you, there's no denying you anything.

I'm thinking how Tinsel will stare when he sees me come out of the wall, for I am resolved to make my appearance tonight.

Get you in, get you in.

My lady's at the door.

pray take care she does not keep me up so late as she did last night or depend upon it i'll beat the tattoo

i'm undone i'm undone as he is going in mr fantome mr fantome you have put a thousand-pound bond into my brother's hands

thou shalt have it i tell thee thou shalt have it

phantom goes

in no more words vanish

vanish

enter lady truman abigail opening the door oh dear madam was it you that made such a knocking my heart does so beat i vow you have frighted me to death i thought verily it had been the drummer i

have been showing the garden to mr tinsel he's most insufferably witty upon us about this story of

the drum indeed madam he's a very loose man i'm afraid tis he that hinders my poor master from resting in his grave Well,

an infidel is such a novelty in the country that I am resolved to divert myself for a day or two at least with the oddness of his conversation.

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Ah, madam, the drum began to beat in the house as soon as ever this creature was admitted to visit you.

All the while Mr. Fantome made his addresses to you, there was not a mouse stirring in the family more than used to be.

Lady Truman, aside.

This baggage has some design upon me, more than I can yet discover.

Mr. Phantom was always thy favorite.

Aye, and should have been yours, too, by my consent.

Mr. Phantom was not such a slight fantastic thing as this is.

Mr. Phantom was the best-built man one should see in a summer's day.

Mr. Phantom was a man of honor and loved you.

Poor soul, how has he sighed when he has talked to me of my hard-hearted lady?' well i had as lief as a thousand pound you would marry mr fantome

to tell thee truly i loved him well enough till i found he loved me so much but mr tinsel makes his court to me with so much neglect and indifference and with such an agreeable sauciness not that i say i'll marry him marry

him quotha no if you should you'll be awakened sooner than married couples generally are you quickly have a drum at your window lady truman aside

i'll hide my contempt of tinsel for once if it be but to see what this wench drives at

why suppose your husband after this fair warning he has given you should sound you an alarm at midnight then open your curtains with a face as pale as my apron and cry out with a hollow voice what dost thou in bed with this spindle shanked fellow

why wilt thou needs have it to be my husband he never had any reason to be offended at me i always loved him while he was living and should prefer him to any man were he so still mr tinsel is indeed very idle in his talk but i fancy abigail a discreet woman might reform

him that's a likely matter indeed did you ever hear of a woman who had power over a man when she was his wife that had none while she was his mistress oh there's nothing in the world improves a man in his complaisance like marriage he is indeed at present too familiar in his conversation

familiar madame in troth he is downright rude but that you know abigail shows that he has no dissimulation in him then he is apt to jest a little too much upon grave subjects abigail grave subjects he jests upon the church but that you know abigail may be only to show his wit then it must be owned he is extremely talkative talkative do you call it he is downright impertinent but that you know abigail is a sign he has been used to good company then indeed he is very positive positive why he contradicts you in everything you say

but then you know abigail he has been educated in the inns of court abigail blessed education indeed it has made him forget his catechism you talk as if you hated him you talk as if you loved him hold your tongue here he comes enter tinsel

my dear widow

abigail aside

my dear widow marry come up let him alone abigail so long as he does not call me my dear wife there's no harm done

i have been most ridiculously diverted since i left you your servants have made a convert of my booby his head is so filled with this foolish story of a drummer that i expect the rogue would be afraid hereafter to go upon a message by moonlight

ah mr tinsel what a loss of billet-doux would that be to many a fine lady

then you still believe this to be a foolish story i thought my lady had told you that she had heard it herself Why, you would not persuade us out of our senses? Abigail, aside.

There's manners for you, madam.

Admirably rallied, that laugh is unanswerable.

Now I'll be hanged if you could forbear being witty upon me, if I should tell you I heard it no longer ago than last night.

Fancy!

But what if I should tell you my maid was with me?

vapours vapours pray my dear widow will you answer me one question had you ever this noise of a drum in your head all the while your husband was living

and pray mr tinsel will you let me ask you another question do you think we can hear in the country as well as you do in town tinsel

believe me madam i could prescribe you a cure for these imaginations

don't tell my lady of imaginations sir i have heard it myself

hark thee child art thou not an old maid

sir if i am it is my own fault

hark whims freaks megrims indeed mistress abigail

mary sir by your talk one would believe you thought everything that was good as a mcgrim

why truly i don't very well understand what you meant by your doctrine to me in the garden just now that everything we saw was made by

chance a very pretty subject indeed for a lover to divert his mistress with but i

suppose that was only a taste of the conversation you would entertain me with after marriage

oh i shall then have time to read you such lectures of motions atoms and nature that you shall learn to think as freely of the best of us and be convinced in less than a month that all about us is chance work

you are a very complacent person indeed and so you would make your court to me by persuading me that i was made by chance

Well said, my dear.

My faith, thou wert a very lucky hit, that's certain.

Pray, Mr. Tinsel, where did you learn this odd way of talking?

Ah, widow, tis your country innocence makes you think it an odd way of talking.

Though you give no credit to stories of apparitions, I hope you believe there are such things as spirits.

Simplicity.

I

fancy you don't believe women have souls, do you, sir?

foolish enough.

I vow, Mr. Tinsel, I'm afraid malicious people will say I'm in love with an atheist.

Oh, my dear, that's an old-fashioned word.

I'm a free thinker, child.

I'm sure you are a free speaker.

Really, Mr. Tinsel, considering that you are so fine a gentleman, I am amazed where you got all this learning.

I wonder it has not spoiled your breeding.

To tell you the truth, I have not time to look into these dry matters myself, but I am convinced by four or five learned men, whom I sometimes overhear at a coffee-house I frequent, that our forefathers were a pack of asses, that the world has been in an error for some thousands of years, and that all the people upon earth, excepting those two or three worthy gentlemen, are imposed upon, cheated, bubbled, abused, bamboozled.

madam how can you hear such a profligate he talks like the

london prodigal why really i'm a-thinking if there be no such things as spirits a woman has no occasion for marrying she need not be afraid to lie by herself

ah my dear a husband's good for nothing but to frighten away spirits dost thou think i could not instruct thee in several other comforts of matrimony

Ah, but you are a man of so much knowledge that you would always be laughing at my ignorance.

You learned men are so apt to despise one.

No, child, I teach thee my principles.

Thou shouldst be as wise as I am, in a week's time.

Do you think your principles would make a woman the better wife?

Prithee, widow, don't be queer.

I love a gay temper, but I would not have you rally things that are serious.

"'Well, enough, Faith.

Where's the jest of rallying anything else?'

"'Abigail, aside.' "'Ah, madam, did you ever hear Mr. Fantôme talk at this rate?'

"'But where's this ghost, this son of a horror-drummer? I'd fain hear him, methinks.'

"'Pray, madam, don't suffer him to give the ghost such ill language, especially when you have reason to believe it is my master.'

that's well enough faith the nab dost thou think thy master is so unreasonable as to continue his claim to his relict after his bones are laid pray widow remember the words of your contract you have fulfilled them to a tittle did not you marry sir george to the tune of till death thus do part

lady truman aside i must not hear sir george's memory treated in so slight a manner this fellow must have been at some pains to make himself such a finished coxcomb

Give me but possession of your person, and I'll whirl you up to town for a winter, and cure you at once.

Oh, I have known many a country lady come to London with frightful stories, of a hall-house being haunted, of fairies, spirits, and witches, that by the time she had seen a comedy, played at an assembly, and ambled in a ball or two, has been so little afraid of bugbears, that she has ventured home in a chair at all hours of the night.

abigail aside hum sauce-box

tis the solitude of the country that creates these whimsies there was never such a thing as a ghost heard of at london except in the play-house oh we'd pass all our time in london tis a scene of pleasure and diversions where there's something to amuse you every hour of the day life's not life in the country

well then you have an opportunity of showing the sincerity of that love to me which you profess you may give a proof that you have an affection to my person not my jointure

Your jointure? How can you think me such a dog? But, child, won't your jointure be the same thing in London as in the country?

No, you are deceived.

You must know it is settled on me by marriage articles, on condition that I live in this old mansion-house, and keep it up in repair.

How? That's well put, madam.

Why, Faith, I have been looking upon this house, and think it is the prettiest habitation I ever saw in my life.

ay

but then this cruel drum adolph something so venerable in it adolph ay but the drum adolph for my part i like this gothic way of building better than any of your new orders it would be a thousand pities it should fall to ruin adolph ay but the drum how pleasantly we two could pass our time in this delicious situation our lives would be a continued dream of happiness come faith widow let's go upon the leads and take a view of the country widow ay but the drum the drum My dear, take my word for it, tis all fancy.

Besides, should he drum in thy very bedchamber, I should only hug thee the closer.

Clasped in the folds of love, I'd meet my doom, and act my joys, though thunder shook the room.

End of Act 1 ACT II.

SCENE OPENS AND DISCOVERS VELLUM IN HIS OFFICE AND A LETTER IN HIS HAND.

This letter astonisheth.

MAY I BELIEVE MY OWN EYES, OR RATHER MY SPECTACLES, TO HUMFREY VELLUM ESQUIRE, STEWARD TO THE LADY TRUMAN.

Vellum, I doubt not, but you will be glad to hear your master is alive, and designs to be with you in half an hour.

The report of my being slain in the Netherlands has, I find, produced some disorders in my family.

I am now at the George Inn.

If an old man with a grey beard, in a black cloak, inquires after you, give him admittance.

He passes for a conjurer, but is really your faithful friend, G. Truman.

P.S. Let this be a secret, and you shall find your account in it.

This amazeth me.

And yet the reasons why I should believe he is still living are manifold.

First, because this has often been the case of other military adventurers.

Second, because the news of his death was first published in Deer's letter.

thirdly because this letter can be written by none but himself i know his hand and manner of spelling fourthly

enter butler

sir here's a strange old gentleman that asks for you he says he's a conjuror but he looks very suspicious i wish he be into jesuit

admit him immediately

i wish he be into jesuit but he says he's nothing but a conjurer

he says right he is no more than a conjurer bring him in and withdraw

exit butler

and fourthly as i was saying because

enter butler with

sir george sir here is the conjurer aside what a devilish long beard he has i warrant it has been growing these hundred years

dear vellum you have received my letter but before we proceed lock the door it is his voice shuts the door in the next place help me off with this cumbersome cloak it is his shape so now lay my beard upon the table

vellum after having looked on sir george through his spectacles

It is his face, every liniment.

Ah, well now, I have put off the conjurer and the old man.

I can talk to thee more at my ease.

Believe me, my good master, I am as much rejoiced to see you alive as I was upon the day you were born.

Your name was, in all the newspapers, in the list of those that were slain.

We have not time

to be particular.

I shall only tell thee in general that I was taken prisoner in the battle, and was under close confinement for several months upon my release i was resolved to surprise my wife with the news of my being alive i know vellum you are a person of so much penetration that i need not use any further argument to convince you that i am so

i am and moreover i question not but your good lady will likewise be convinced of it her honor is a discerning lady

i am only afraid she should be convinced of it to her sorrow is not she pleased with her imaginary widowhood tell me truly was she afflicted at the report of my death

sir how long did her grief last sir longer than i have known any widows at least three days sir

three days say'st thou three whole days i'm afraid thou flatter'st me o woman woman

sir

george

this blockhead is as methodical as ever but i know he's honest

there is real grief and there is methodical grief she was drowned in tears till such time as the tailor had made her widow's weeds indeed they became her

became her and was that her comfort truly a most seasonable consolation

but i must needs say she paid a due regard to your memory and could not forbear weeping when she saw company

That was kind indeed.

I find she grieved with a great deal of good breeding.

But how comes this gang of lovers about her? Her jointure is considerable.

Sir George, aside.

Ah, how this fool torments me.

Her person is amiable.

Sir George, aside.

Death.

But her character is unblemished.

She has been as virtuous in your absence as a Penelope.

And has had as many suitors.

Several have made their overtures.

Several? But she has rejected all.

There, thou revivest me.

But what means this tinsel? Are his visits acceptable? He is young.

Does she listen to him? he is gay captain sure she could never entertain a thought of marrying such a coxcomb captain

he is not ill-made captain are the vows and

protestations that passed between us come to this i can't bear the thought of it is tinsel the man designed for my worthy successor captain

you do not consider that you have been dead these fourteen months

sir george aside

was there ever such a dog and i have often heard her say that she must never expect to find a second sir g truman meaning your honor

i think she loved me but i must search into the story of the drummer before i discover myself to her i have put on this habit of a conjurer in order to introduce myself it must be your business to recommend me as a most profound person that by my great knowledge in the curious arts can silence the drummer, and dispossess the house.

I am going to lay my accounts before my lady, and I will endeavor to prevail upon her honor to admit the trial of your art.

I have scarce heard of any of these stories that did not arise from a love intrigue.

Amors raise as many ghosts as murders.

Mistress Abigail endeavors to persuade us that it is your honor who troubles the house.

that

convinces me tis a cheat for i think vellum i may be pretty well assured it is not me vellum

i am apt to think so truly ha ha ha

abigail had always an ascendant over her lady and if there is a trick in this matter depend upon it she is at the bottom of it i'll be hanged if this ghost be not one of abigail's familiars

mistress abigail has of late been very mysterious i

fancy vellum thou couldst worm it out of her i know formerly there was an amour between you

mistress abigail hath her allurements and she knows i have picked up a competency in your honour's service if thou hast

all i ask of thee in return is that thou wouldst immediately renew thy addresses to her coax her up thou hast such a silver-tongued vellum as twill be impossible for her to withstand besides she is so very a woman that she'll like thee the better for giving her the pleasure of telling a secret in short wheedle her out of it and i shall act by the advice which thou givest me

mistress abigail was never deaf to me when i talked upon that subject i will take an opportunity of addressing myself to her in the most pathetic manner

in the meantime lock me up in your office and bring me word what success you have Ah, well, sure I am the first that ever was employed to lay himself.

You act indeed a threefold part in this house.

You are a ghost, a conjurer, and my honoured master Sir George Truman.

You will pardon me for being jocular.

Oh, Mr. Vallum, with all my heart, you know I love you men of wit and humour.

Be as merry as thou pleasest, so thou dost thy business.

Mimicking him.

You will remember, Velen, your commission is twofold.

First, to gain admission for me to your lady, and secondly, to get the secret out of Abigail.

It suffices.

The scene shuts.

Enter Lady Truman, sola.

women who have been happy in a first marriage are the most apt to venture upon a second but for my part i had a husband so every way suited to my inclinations that i must entirely forget him before i can like another man i have now been a widow but fourteen months and have had twice as many lovers all of em professed admirers of my person but passionately in love with my jointure i think it is a revenge i owe my sex to make an example of this worthless tribe of fellows who grow impudent dress themselves fine and fancy we are obliged to provide for em but of all my captives mr tinsel is the most extraordinary in his kind i hope the diversion i give myself with him is unblameable i am sure it is necessary to turn my thoughts off from the memory of that dear man who has been the greatest happiness and affliction of my life my heart would be a prey to melancholy if i did not find these innocent methods of relieving it oh but here comes abigail i must tease the baggage for i find she has taken it into her head that i am entirely at her disposal enter abigail

madame madame yonder's mr tinsel has as good as taken possession of your house marry he says he must have sir george's apartment enlarged for truly says he i hate to be straitened nay he was so impudent as to show me the chamber where he intends to consummate as he calls it well he's a

wild fellow

indeed he's a

very sad man madam he's young abigail tis a thousand pities he should be lost i should be mighty glad to reform him reform him merry hang him has not he a great deal of

life ay enough to make your heart ache i dare say thou think'st him a very agreeable fellow he thinks himself so i'll answer for him he's very good-natured he ought to be so for he's very silly dost thou think he loves me mr fantome did i'm sure with what raptures he talked yes but twas in praise of your jointer

house he has kept bad company

they must be very bad indeed if they were worse than himself

I have a strong fancy a good woman might reform him.

It would be

a fine experiment if it should not succeed.

Well, Abigail, we'll talk of that another time.

Here comes the steward.

I have no further occasion for you at present.

Exit, Abigail.

Enter Vellum.

Madam, is your honour at leisure to look into the accounts of the last week? They rise very high.

Housekeeping is chargeable in a house that is haunted.

How comes that to pass? I hope the drum neither eats nor drinks.

But read your account, Vellum.

Vellum, putting on and off his spectacles in this scene.

A hog's head and a half of ale.

It is not for the ghost's drinking, but your honour's servants say they must have something to keep up their courage against this strange noise.

They tell me they expect a double quantity of malt in their small beer, so long as the house continues in this condition.

At this rate they'll take care to be frightened all the year round, I'll answer for them.

But go on.

Item.

Two sheep and a—where is the ox? Ah, here I have him—and an ox.

Your honour must always have a piece of cold beef in the house for the entertainment of so many strangers, who come from all parts to hear this drum.

Item.

Bread.

Ten peck loaves.

They cannot eat beef without bread.' Item, three barrels of table-beer.

They must have drink with their meat.

Lady Truman, aside.

Sure no woman in England has a steward that makes such ingenious comments on his works.

Item, two Mr. Tinsel's servants, five bottles of port wine.

It was by your honour's order.

Item, three bottles of sack for the use of Mistress Abigail.

I suppose that was by your own order.

We have been long friends.

We are your honor's ancient servants.

Sack is an innocent cordial, and gives her spirit to chide the servants when they are tardy in their business.

Pardon me for being jocular.

Well, I see you'll come together at last.

Item.

A dozen pound of watch-lights for the use of the servants.

For the use of the servants? What, are the rogues afraid of sleeping in the dark? What an unfortunate woman am I! This is such a particular distress, it puts me to my wits' end.

Bellum, what would you advise me to do?

Madam, your honour has two points to consider.

Imprimis, to retrench these extravagant expenses, which so many strangers bring upon you, secondly to clear the house of this invisible drummer

this learned division leaves me just as wise as i was but how must we bring these two points to bear

i beseech your honor to give me the hearing i

do but prithee take pity on me and be not tedious

i will be concise there is a certain person arrived this morning an aged man of a venerable aspect and of a long hoary beard that reaches down to his girdle the common people call him a wizard a white witch a conjurer a cunning man a necromancer a no

matter for his titles but what of all this

Give me the hearing, good my lady.

He pretends to great skill in the occult sciences, and is come hither upon the rumour of this drum.

If one may believe him, he knows the secret of laying ghosts, or of quieting houses that are haunted.

Foe, these are idle stories to amuse the country people.

This can do us no good.

It can do us no harm, my lady.

I dare say thou dost not believe there is anything in it thyself.

i cannot say i do there is no danger however in the experiment let him try his skill if it should succeed we are rid of the drum if it should not we may tell the world that it has and by that means at least get out of this expensive way of living so that it must turn to your advantage one way or another i

think you argue very rightly but where is the man i would fain see him he must be a curiosity

I have already discoursed him, and he is to be with me in my office half an hour hence.

He asks nothing for his pains till he has done his work.

No cure, no money.

That circumstance, I must confess, would make one believe there is more in his art than one would imagine.

Pray, Vellum, go and fetch him hither immediately.

I am gone.

He shall be forthcoming forthwith.

Exeunt.

Enter Butler, Coachman, and Gardiner.

Rare news, my lads, rare news.

What's the matter?

Has thou got any more veils for us?

No, tis better than that.

Is there another stranger come to the house?

Aye, such a stranger as will make all our lives easy.

What? Is he a lord?

A lord? No, nothing like it.

He's a conjurer.

a conjurer what is he come a wooing to my lady oh no you fool he's come a-purpose to lay the spirit ay mary that's good news indeed

but where is he he's locked up with a steward in his office they are laying their heads together very close i fancy they are casting a figure

pretty john what's all creatures a conjurer why

he's made much as other men are if it was not for his long grey beard

look ye peter it stands with reason that a conjurer should have a long grey beard for did ye ever know a witch that was not an old woman

why i remember a conjurer once at a fair that to my thinking was a very smock-faced man and yet he spewed out fifty yards of green ferret i fancy john if thabs get him into the pantry and give him a cup of ale he'd show us a few tricks Dost think we couldn't persuade him to swallow one of thy case knives for his diversion? He'll certainly bring it up again.

Peter, thou art such a wiseacre.

Thou dost not know the difference between a conjurer and a juggler.

This man must be a very great master of his trade.

His beard is at least half a yard long.

He's dressed in a strange dark cloak.

as black as coal your conjurer always goes in mourning is

he a gentleman had he a sword by his side

no no he's too grave a man for that a conjurer is as grave as a judge but he had a long white wand in his hand

you may be sure there's a good deal of virtue in that wand i fancy tis made out of witch elm

i warrant you if the ghost appears he'll whisk you that wand before his eyes and strike you the drumstick out of his

hand no the wand look ye is to make a circle and if he once gets the ghost in a circle then he has him let him get out again if he can a circle you must know is a conjurer's trap But what will he do with him when he has him there? Why, then he'll overpower him with his learning.

If he can once compass him and get him in lobs pound, he'll make nothing of him but speak a few hard words to him and perhaps bind him over to his good behaviour for a thousand years.

Aye, aye.

He'll send him packing to his grave again with a flea in his ear, I warrant him.

no no i would advise madam to spare no cost if the conjuror be but well paid he'll take pains upon the ghost and lay him look ye in the red sea and then he's laid for ever

ay mary that would spoil his drum for him

Why, John, there must be a pair of spirits in that same Red Sea.

Only warrant you there is plenty of fish.

Well, I wish after all that he may not be too hard for the conjurer.

I'm afraid he'll find a tough bit of work, Aunt.

I wish the spirit may not carry a corner of his house off with him.

As for that, Peter... you may be sure that the steward has made his bargain with the cunning man beforehand that he shall stand to all costs and damages but hark yonder is mistress abigail we shall have her with us immediately if we do not get off

ay lads if we could get mistress abigail well laid too we should lead merry lives For to a man like me, just stout and bold, a ghost is not so dreadful as a scold.

End of Act 2 Act 3 of The Drummer or The Haunted House by Joseph Addison This is a LibriVox recording.

All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain.

For more information, or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Act III.

Scene opens, and discovers Sir George in Vellum's office.

Ah, I wonder I don't hear of Vellum yet.

But I know his wisdom will do nothing rashly.

the fellow has been so used to form in business that it has infected his whole conversation but i must not find fault with that punctual and exact behavior which has been of so much use to me my estate is the better for it

enter vellum vellum

well vellum i'm impatient to hear your success

vellum first let me lock the door vellum will your lady admit me If this lock is not mended soon, it will be quite spoiled.

Prithee, let the lock alone at present, and answer me.

Delays in business are dangerous.

I must send for the smith next week, and in the meantime will take a minute of it.

But what says your lady? This pen is not, and wants mending.

My lady, did you say? Does she admit me? I have gained admission for you as a

conjurer.

ah that's enough i'll gain admission for myself as a husband does she believe there's anything in my art

it is hard to know what a woman believes did she ask no questions about me sundry she desires to talk with you herself before you enter upon your business but when immediately this instant

phew what hast thou been doing all this while why didst thou not tell me so give me my cloak have you met with abigail

i have not yet had an opportunity of talking with her but we have interchanged some languishing glances let thee alone

for that vellum i have formerly seen thee ogle her through thy spectacles well this is a most venerable cloak after the business of this day is over i'll make thee a present of it twill become thee Would

you make a conjurer of your steward?

Bithy, don't be jocular.

I'm in haste.

Help me on with my beard.

And what will your honour do with your cast beard? Why, faith, thy gravity wants only such a beard to it.

If thou wouldst wear it with the cloak, thou wouldst make a most complete heathen philosopher.

Ah, but where's my wand?

A fine taper's stick.

It is well chosen.

I will keep this till you are sheriff of the county.

It is not my custom to let anything be lost.

Come, vellum, lead the way.

You must introduce me to your lady.

Thou art the fittest fellow in the world to be a master of ceremonies to a conjurer.

Exeunt Enter Abigail crossing the stage, tinsel following.

"'Nabby, nabby, whither so fast, child?'

"'Keep your hands to yourself.

I'm going to call the steward to my lady.'

"'What? Goodman Twofold? I met him walking with a strange old fellow yonder.

I suppose he belongs to the family, too.

He looks very antique.

He must be some of the furniture of this old mansion-house.' "'What

does the man mean? Don't think to palm me, as you do my lady.'

prithee nabby tell me one thing what's the reason thou art my enemy

mary because i'm a friend to my lady doth

thou see anything about me thou dost not like come hither hussy give me a kiss don't be ill-natured

sir i know how to be civil kisses her

abigail aside

this rogue will carry off my lady if i don't take care

thy lips are as soft as velvet abigail i must get thee a husband

ah now you don't speak idly i can talk to you

i have one in my eye for thee dost thou love a young lusty son of a whore

lord how you

talk this is a thundering dog

what is he a

private gentleman

ay where does he live

in the horse guards but he has one fault i must tell thee of if thou canst bear with that he is a man for thy purpose

pray mr tinsel what may that be he

is but five-and-twenty years old it

is no matter for his age if he has been well educated

No man better, child.

He'll tie a wig, toss a die, make a pass, and swear with such a grace as would make thy heart leap to hear him.

Half these accomplishments will do, provided he has an estate.

Pray, what has he?

Not a farthing.

Abigail, aside.

Pax on him! What do I give him the hearing for?

But as for that, I would make it up to him.

How?

why look ye child as soon as i have married thy lady i design to discard this old prig of a steward and to put this honest gentleman i am speaking of into his place

abigail this fellow's a fool i'll have no more to say to him hark my ladies are coming abigail

depend upon it nab i remember my promise

abigail ay and so will i too to your cost

exit abigail

my dear is purely fitted up with a maid but i shall rid the house of her

enter lady truman oh mr tinsel i am glad to meet you here i am going to give you an entertainment that won't be disagreeable to a man of wit and pleasure of the town aside there may be something diverting in a conversation between a conjurer and this conceited ass tinsel aside

She loves me to distraction.

I see that.

Pretty widow, explain thyself.

You must know, here is a strange sort of a man come to town, who undertakes to free the house from this disturbance.

The steward believes him a conjurer.

Aye, thy steward is a deep one.

He's to be here immediately.

It is indeed an odd figure of a man.

Oh, I warrant you he has studied the black heart.

is not it an oxford scholar widow thy house is the most extraordinarily inhabited of any widows this day in christendom i think thy four chief domestics are a withered abigail a superannuated steward a ghost and a conjurer

lady truman

mimicking tinsel and you would have it inhabited by a fifth who is a more extraordinary person than any of all these four tinsel aside

it's a sure sign a woman loves you when she imitates your manner the halt's very smart my dear but see smoke the doctor

enter vellum and sir george in his conjuror's habit

i will introduce this profound person to your ladyship and then leave him with you sir this is her honour i know it well

exit vellum Sir George aside, walking in a musing posture.

That dear woman, the sight of her unmans me.

i could weep for tenderness did not i at the same time feel an indignation rise in me to see that wretch with her and yet i cannot but smile to see her in the company of her first and second husband at the same time

mr tinsel do you speak to him you are used to the company of men of learning

old gentleman thou dost not look like an inhabitant of this world i suppose thou art lately come down from the stars pray what news is stirring in the zodiac

news that ought to make the heart of a coward tremble mars is now entering into the first house and will shortly appear in all his domolf dignities

mars prithee father greybeard explain thyself

the entrance of mars into his house portends the entrance of a master into this family and that soon

do you hear that widow the stars have cut me out for thy husband this house is to have a master and that soon hark thee old gadbury is not mars very like a young fellow called tom tinsel not so much as venus is like this lady a word in your ear doctor these two planets will be in conjunction by and by i can tell you that

sir george aside walking disturbed

curse on this impertinent fop i shall scarce forbear discovery myself madam i am told that your house is visited with strange noises

And I am told that you can quiet them.

I must confess, I had a curiosity to see the person I had heard so much of.

And indeed, your aspect shows that you have had much experience in the world.

You must be a very aged man.

My aspect deceives you.

What do you think is my real age?

I should guess thee within three years of Methuselah.

Brithy, tell me, was not thou born before the flood?

truly i should guess you to be in your second or third century i warrant you you have great grandchildren with beards of a foot long

if there be truth in man i was but five-and-thirty last august oh the study of the occult sciences makes a man's beard grow faster than you would imagine

what an escape you have had mr tinsel that you were not bred a scholar

and so i fancy doctor thou think'st me an illiterate fellow because i have a smooth chin

archie sir a word in your ear you are a coxcomb by all the rules of physiognomy but let that be a secret between you and me

pray mr tinsel what is it the doctor whispers

only a compliment child upon two or three of my features it does not become me to repeat it

pray doctor examine this gentleman's face and tell me his fortune

doctor if i may believe the lines of his face he likes it better than i do than you do fair lady captain widow

i hope now thou'rt

convinced he's a cheat

For my part, I believe he's a witch.

Go on, Doctor.

He

will be crossed in

love, and that soon.

Prithee, Doctor, tell us the truth.

Dost not thou live in

more fields? Take my word for it.

Thou shalt never live in my Lady Truman's mansion house.

Pray, old gentleman, hast thou never been plucked by the beard when thou wert saucy?

nay mr tinsel you are angry do you think that i would marry a man that dares not have his fortune told b b

let him be angry i matter not he is short-lived

he will soon die of-come come speak out old hocus this fellow makes me burst with laughing ha

ha

ha

he will soon die of fright or of the let me see your nose ay tis so

you son of a whore i'll run ye through the body i never yet made the sun shine through a conjuror

oh fie mr tinsel you will not kill an old man tinsel

an old man the dog says he's but five-and-thirty

oh fie mr tinsel i did not think you could have been so passionate i hate a passionate man put up your sword or i must never see you again i

was but in jest my dear i had a mind to have made an experiment upon the doctor's body i would but have drilled a little eyelet-hole in it and have seen whether he had art enough to close it up again

courage is but ill shown for a lady but know if ever i meet thee again thou shalt find this arm can wield other weapons besides this wand ha ha ha

well learned sir you are to give a proof of your art not of your courage or if you will show your courage let it be at nine o'clock for that is the time the noise is generally heard

and look ye o gentlemen if thou dost not do thy business well i can tell thee by the little skill i have that thou wilt be tossed in a blanket before ten we'll do our endeavour to send thee back to the stars again

i'll go and prepare myself for the ceremonies and lady as you expect they should succeed your wishes treat that fellow with the contempt he deserves exit sir george

the sauciest dog i've ever talked with in my whole life

methinks he's a diverting fellow one may see he's no fool

no fool ay but thou dost not take him for a conjurer

truly i don't know what to take him for i am resolved to employ him however when a sickness is desperate we often try remedies that we have no great faith in

enter abigail abigail madam the tea is ready in the parlour as you ordered Come, Mr.

Tinsel, we may there talk of this subject more at leisure.

sure never any lady had such servants as mine has well if i get this thousand pound i hope to have some of my own let me see i'll have a pretty tight girl just such as i was ten years ago i'm afraid i may say twenty she shall dress me and flatter me for i will be flattered that's posse my lady's cast suits will serve her after i have given them the wearing Besides, when I am worth a thousand pound, I shall certainly carry off the steward, Madam Vellum.

How prettily that will sound! Here, bring out Madam Vellum's chaise.

Nay, I do not know, but it may be a chariot.

I will break the attorney's wife's heart, for I shall take place of everybody in the parish but my lady.

If I have a son, he shall be called Fantôme.

But see, Mr. Vellum, as I could wish.

I know his humor and will do my utmost to gain his heart.

Enter Vellum with a pint of sack.

Mistress Abigail, don't I break in upon you unseasonably?

Oh, no, Mr. Vellum, your visits are always seasonable.

I have brought with me a taste of fresh canary, which I think is delicious.

Pray set it down.

I have a dram-glass just by.

Brings in a rummer.

i'll pledge you my lady's good health

and your own with it sweet mistress abigail

pray good mr vellam buy me a little parcel of this sack and put it under the article of tea i would not have my name appear to it

Mistress Abigail, your name seldom appears in my bills.

And yet, if you will allow me a merry expression, you have been always in my books, Mistress Abigail.

Mr. Vellum, you're such a dry-jesting man.

Why, truly, Mistress Abigail, I have been looking over my papers, and I find you have been a long time my debtor.

Your debtor? For what, Mr.

Vellum?

For my heart, Mistress Abigail, and our accounts will not be balanced between us till I have yours in exchange for it.

Oh, you are the most gallant done, Mr. Vellum.

But I am not used to being paid by words only, Mistress Abigail.

When will you be out of my debt?

Oh, Mr. Vellum, you make one blush, my humble service to you.

I must answer you, Mistress Abigail, in the country phrase, Your love is sufficient.

Well, I must own I love a merry man.

Let me see.

How long is it, Mistress Abigail, since I first broke my mind to you? It was, I think, un decimo guliami.

We have conversed together these fifteen years, and yet, Mistress Abigail, I must drink to our better acquaintance.

Mistress Abigail, you know I am naturally jocose.

Ah, you men love to make sport with us silly creatures.

Mistress Abigail, I have a trifle about me, which I would willingly make you a present of.

It is indeed but a little toy.

You are always exceedingly obliging.

It is but a little toy, scarce worth your acceptance.

Pray do not keep me in suspense.

What is it, Mr. Vellum?

A silver thimble.

I always said Mr. Vellum was a generous lover.

But I must put it on myself, Mistress Abigail.

You have the prettiest tip of a finger.

I must take the freedom to salute it.

Oh, fie! You make me ashamed, Mr.

Vellum.

How can you do so? I protest I am in such a confusion.

A feigned struggle.

This finger is not the finger of idleness.

It bears the honorable scars of the needle.

But why are you so cruel as not to pare your nails?

Oh, I vow you press it so hard.

Pray give me my finger again.

This middle finger, Mistress Abigail, has a pretty neighbor.

A wedding ring would become it mightily.

You're so full of your jokes.

Ay, but where must I find one for it?

I design this thimble

only as

the forerunner of it.

They will set of each other, and are, indeed, a twofold emblem.

The first will put you in mind of being a good housewife.

and the other of being a good wife.

Yes, yes, I see you laugh at me.

Indeed, I am serious.

I thought you had quite forsaken me.

I am sure you cannot forget the many repeated vows and promises you formerly made me.

I shouldst as soon forget the multiplication table.

I have always taken your part before my lady.

You have so, and I have itemed it on my memory.

for I have always looked upon your interest as my own.

It is nothing but your cruelty can hinder them from being so.

Abigail, aside.

I must strike while the iron's hot.

Well, Mr. Vellum, there is no refusing you.

You have such a bewitching tongue.

How, speak that again.

Why then, in plain English, I love you.

I'm overjoyed.

I must own my passion for you.

I'm transported.

Catches her in his arms.

Dear charming man.

Thou sum total of all my happiness.

I shall grow extravagant.

i can't forbear to drink thy virtuous inclinations in a bumper of sack your lady must make haste my duck or we shall provide a young steward to the estate before she has an heir to it prithee my dear Does she intend to marry Mr. Tinsel? Marry

him? My love, no, no.

We must take care of that.

There would be no staying in the house for us if she did.

That young Raquel would send all the old servants a grazing.

You and I should be discarded before the honeymoon was at an end.

Pray thee, sweet one, does not this drum put the thoughts of marriage out of her head?

This drum, my dear, if it be well managed, will be no less than a thousand pound in our way.

Ay, sayest thou so,

my turtle? Since we are now as good as man and wife, I mean almost as good as man and wife, I ought to conceal nothing from you.

Certainly, my dove, not from thy yoke-fellow.

Thy helpmate.

Thy own flesh and blood.

Hush.

I hear Mr. Tinsel's laugh.

My lady and he are coming this way.

If you will take a turn without, I'll tell you the whole contrivance.

Give me your hand, chicken.

Here, take it.

You have my heart already.

We shall have much issue.

Exeunt.

End of Act III Act IV.

Enter Vellum and Butler.

john i have certain orders to give you and therefore be attentive

attentive ay let me alone for that aside i suppose he means being sober

You know I have always recommended to you a method in your business.

I would have your knives and forks, your spoons and napkins, your plate and glasses, laid in a method.

Ah, Master Vellum,

you are such a sweet-spoken man.

It does one's heart good to

receive your orders.

Method, John, makes business easy.

It banishes all perplexity and confusion out of families.

How he talks! I could hear him all day.

And now, John, let me know whether your table-linen, your sideboard, your cellar, and everything else within your province are properly and methodically disposed for an entertainment this evening.

Master Vellum, they shall be ready at quarter of an hour's warning.

but pray sir is this entertainment to be made for the conjurer it

is john for the conjurer and yet it is not for the conjurer

why look you master vellum if it is for the conjurer the cook-maid should have orders to get him some dishes to his palate perhaps he may like a little brimstone in his sauce

This conjurer, John, is a complicated creature, an amphibious animal, a person of a twofold nature.

But he eats and drinks like other men.

Merry Master Villum.

He should eat and drink as much as two other men, by the account you give of him.

Thy conceit is not amiss.

He is indeed a double man.

I understand you.

He's one of your hermaphrodites, as they call him.

He is married, and he is not married.

He hath a beard, and he hath no beard.

He is old, and he is young.

How charmingly he talks! I fancy, Master Vellum, you can make a riddle.

The same man, old and young.

How do you make that out, Master Vellum?

Thou hast heard of a snake casting his skin and recovering his youth? Such is this sage-person.

nay tis no wonder a conjurer should be like a serpent

when he has thrown aside the old conjurer's low that hangs about him he'll come out as fine a young gentleman as ever was seen in this house

does he intend to sup in his slough

that time will show

well i've not a head for these things indeed master vellum i have not understood one word you have said this half-hour

i did not intend thou shouldst but to our business let there be a table spread in the great hall let your pots and glasses be washed and in readiness bid the cook provide a plentiful supper and see that all the servants be in their best liveries

ay now i understand every word you say but i would rather hear you talk a little in that other way

i shall explain to thee what i have said by and by bid susan lay two pillows upon your lady's bed

two pillows madam won't sleep upon em both she's not a double woman too

she will sleep upon neither but hark mistress abigail i think i hear her chiding the cook-maid

then i'll away or it will be my turn next she i'm sure speaks plain english ha one may easily understand every word she says

Exit Butler.

Vellum Solus.

Servants are good for nothing, unless they have an opinion of the person's understanding who has the direction of them.

But see Mistress Abigail.

She has a bewitching countenance.

I wish I may not be tempted to marry her in good earnest.

Enter Abigail.

Ha! Mr.

Vellum.

What brings my sweet one hither?

I am coming to speak to my friend behind the wainscot.

It is fit, child, he should have an account of this conjurer, that he should not be surprised.

That would be as much as thy thousand pound is worth.

I'll speak low.

Walls have ears.

Pointing at the wainscot.

But hark you, duckling! Be sure you do not tell him that I am let into the secret.

That's a good one indeed, as if I should ever tell what passes between you and me.

No,

no, my child, that must not be.

That must not be.

You will always be waggish.

Adieu, and let me hear the result of your conference.

How can you leave one so soon? I shall think it an age till I see you again.

Adieu, my pretty one.

Adieu, sweet Mr. Vellum.

My pretty one.

As he is going off.

Dear Mr. Vellum.

My pretty one.

Exit Vellum.

Abigail Sola.

I have him, if I can but get this thousand pound.

Ha! Three raps upon the drum, the signal Mr.

Fantome and I agreed upon when he had a mind to speak with me.

Very well, I

hear you.

Come, Fox, come out of your hole.

Scene opens, and Phantom comes out.

You may leave your drum in the wardrobe till you have occasion for it.