Ep. 96 - Beyond Proving Yourself: Who Are You When You Have Nothing Left to Prove?

But I think there's another conversation, right? Like what happens after you've actually done a lot of that? What happens after you've spent 20, 30, 40, 50 years becoming and now you have to figure out how to just freaking be? So I don't think proving...

Proving isn't bad.

There are amazing reasons a lot of us have learned to prove ourselves or it has necessitated us proving ourselves.

I'll speak for me.

So I'm an immigrant, the eldest of five, eldest daughter of five, came to this country as a teen.

And there are things that I knew were non-negotiable, non-negotiable in order for me to survive and eventually thrive, help my family.

And some of those things looked like you have to have an education, have to go to college, very specific degrees, success matters, independence matters, financial security, being taken seriously.

And I learned pretty early on that I could work at these things, I could figure things out, achieve, walk into environments I didn't completely understand, learn the rules quickly, perform, deliver, and become somebody people trusted to get the job done.

And every time I did, I got more and more evidence that this recipe worked, right? So the evidence looked like, you belong here, you're smart enough, here's a promotion, here's the next thing.

So then you got another degree, went after another opportunity, another credential.

And I think that there's nothing wrong with any of these things.

Achievement builds confidence, economic mobility.

For a lot of us, it's changed the trajectory of not only our family, but a next generation.

Like my kids and your kids' future is going to look so different than ours did.

So achievement gives us access to all of these things, right? And it gives us these choices that...

For the most part, the generations before us would never have even fathomed.

So I'm not interested in rewriting my history or pretending ambition is something that's bad, right? A lot of this was spawned from survival and responsibility.

Somewhere tucked in there was maybe curiosity or joy, you know, but a lot of it, some of it, most of it was proving.

And I think as humans, we have to know that we can hold multiple truths about ourselves and each other at any given time.

So what happens, this is where I'm taking us, is when proving becomes a problem.

And I think the problem with proving, I tried to really like run water through the pipes with this.

I think the problem with proving is that it requires an audience.

I want you to think about that for a little bit, right? There has to be somebody you're proving something to, right? Right.

Your boss, a parent, an industry, maybe it's a spouse, an ex, a community, somebody that's underestimated you or rejected you or maybe it's people who aren't even alive anymore.

Maybe the audience is imaginary.