To work on my tie

... my uniform, and then I'd shower before bed, and then get into my uniform, and then sleep in my uniform, and then just get straight out of bed and go to school.

[laughs]

No, that is genuinely the, the saddest indictment of British education I've heard in the last 30 years.

[laughs]

The, um, the medical staff went to panic, namely the team dentist, who thought I was going into anaphylactic shock, and I was rushed back to the changing rooms.

My arms were put in ice, and they went into panic.

I told the compere, Rob Beckett, to tell the crowd that I'd had a bee sting, just so we got a laugh.

He went and did that.

Um, and-

It's such a fool-proof joke.

Who's Tom Craine? Um, and, uh, but the, the cruelest twist was, 'cause I was sat there with my elbows, it, it kind of swollen.

What kind of music? Who are your influences?

I just wanna do the s- the strut, the sort of, like, David Bowie, like, or a Rolling Stones style.

Anything that I can allow me to do that kind of click of the finger and the wiggle.

So kind of indie rock basically is what I'm, I'm looking to do, but with, um, but with words that touch you.

[laughs]

How dare you? I'm wearing a hoodie.

I've got Stan Smith trainers on, which are quite cool.

You know, I've got this.

One thing led to another.

That sounds far more, uh, dramatic than it was.

No, uh, my, my, uh, girlfriend gave away our marital bed, uh, to her friends who were visiting, so I've been sleeping on the sofa.

Tom, what would you like to promote?

Um, well, I've got a story show here on XFM.

It's a podcast, and if people go on the website, XFM, they can download it.

And, um, hopefully Tim will do it sometime, and Josh is on this week's episode.

I think that, that actually counts as an annulment.

I, I- [laughs] I have, I had a friend who worked, uh, at a bar at a wedding.

You know, the kind of thing they have catering services.

And someone came up to get a drink and managed to spill their white wine down their shirt, and he went, "Oh, I know what to do." And then chucked red wine over the guy.

[laughs]

Your time starts now.

Okay.

[drum roll] Uh, so I actually have a good thing to plug.

Yeah, I've heard of Taiwan.

Yeah.

This was about, um, three weeks ago.

And, uh, so it sort of coincided quite nicely with the typhoon in Taiwan that, um- Oh.

[laughing] ... ultimately, horrible phrase, but took a, took a plane down.

[laughing] And, um, I-- We, we got on the plane to...

We tried to cancel it, first of all, with our travel insurance, but they weren't that interested because we bought the travel, we bought the travel insurance [laughing] after we'd heard there was a typhoon.

[laughing]

That was really good, that.

I think, I think by default James has won.

No, let's keep going.

Uh, as a thank you for coming on, uh, w- have you got anything you'd like to plug, Tom?

Uh, uh, my Twitter, @TomCrane, and, uh, you can buy my sketch show's Radio 4 series on iTunes, if you so choose.

Uh, hiding in a-- me hiding in a woodshed is number three.

Uh, number two came in from anonymous, who hid in the aisles where there was no CCTV of a major kind of baby store and played with toys.

It's Mothercare.

We don't know.

I'm, I'm assuming.

And number one came from Stu, who basically gave us a poo calculator.