Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving.

Yeah, dude.

I do like Thanksgiving.

It's a white holiday for sure.

You guys come together and really the thing that's beautiful about Thanksgiving is everyone really shows their ass at the table.

Right? People really pull out the secrets.

That's exactly

[laughs]

And, uh, and then he's like, "We're going to a second bar.

Do you wanna come drinking with us?" I don't like drinking, and I hate bars, so I was like, "No, I'm good." And then so I stay at the bar, and then my friends are like, "You should go.

This is why you're single.

Like, a cute guy you were flirting with asked to keep drinking with you.

You should, like, go hang out with him." So I go to the bar.

He gets me a Guinness.

Uh-huh

Jay's dainty painted fingernails?

I'm going Steve's cock.

I'm so sorry.

With all due respect.

Kim, look at this.

Kim, it's Taco Tuesday.

You guys both have pretty good face cards.

What?

So second location is you're implying that there was, uh, some sort of sexual conduct being involved.

You would think.

No.

Okay, so we're hanging out at the comedy club, and then my friend's like, "Oh, I'm bringing over this band." And I'm like, "Cool, let's see if there's any hot dudes.

Let's hang out for a bit." So then the band comes over, and then there's this one guy, he's not part of the band.

He's hanging out with them.

He's actually, and this is where I don't know if you wanna cut this out or not Oh, but we're live

Sorry

Yeah, right.

I swear to God, just the sounds of my soul leaving my body.

When he fucking started going, he threw up in my cup holder.

Like literally aimed and got it in my cup holder and then immediately, this is all while I'm on the highway, like a rabid animal started aggressively eating it again, like I had just poured it into a bowl for him.

And like fighting me, like I'm trying to hold him down and he's trying to jump from the passenger seat into the cup holder.

He's hitting the thing that goes from drive.

I'm trying to hold onto that, merge onto the highway, push him back, he's biting me.

set the story up.

Um, here it comes.

I want a house.

I want a house right now, and I can't afford it.

But I used to go out and, uh, bought it.

And I'm going out now, and I can't afford.

I'm on a house.

Unbreakable.

Yeah, Unbreakable.

Uh, how you feeling coming back onto the show?

I'm stoked.

I'm ready.

I see we've upgraded the books.

We're down to first grade level books.

Uh-

Story number one.

Story number one.

[laughs]

...

I get offstage, and, uh-Lee is coming up, he's hosting, so he's about to introduce Joey.

So when I get offstage, the lights go on for a moment and I'm walking, I remember, oh, I forgot my camera, let me go get it 'cause I'm filming still.

So I go up the aisle, and then Joey comes on, and the lights start going crazy, and there's people running back from the bathrooms realizing that Joey's on now.

So the, the hallway gets kinda crazy, and someone bumps into me and I feel like my vagina basically pretty much penetrated through my pants.

I was wearing like leggings with a jacket over it, like a, a body suit with-

Really? Okay.

Let's check in with Kim Congdon here.

Well, I just really noticed something, and maybe I could give a little piece of advice.

You're half Italian, half Puerto Rican, but the energy you're giving is like cokehead frat bro.

I think you need to lean into more who you are.

What's the most Italian and Puerto Rican thing about

Really? It's been that long? Oh, God.

She's such a beautiful lady.

I'm enjoying it.

[laughing]

To be honest, I'm on edge right now, and when he came out, I was like, "Whoa." But you look like a nice stalker, like you'd just stroke someone's cheek or something.

[laughs]

I'm sort of back to square one, but it's, it's in the works.

Call me insane, but I feel like you don't have to go to Honduras to get a vasectomy.

Like, you could just find a different doctor.

[laughs]

it was apparently a poor decision.

But he spent five years of that explaining to 15-year-olds who Nirvana was, so [laughs] all right.

[laughs]

He seemed to have a lot of competition with Black men, too, in the bedroom.

What's up with that?

Here we go.

[cheering] [upbeat music]

Kim Congdon.

This guy is talented as fuck.

I'm gonna say it right now.

He made 60 seconds feel like an hour.