You're at Whiplash.

Oh, that's Whiplash.

Cool.

I was actually talking about this sketch.

Last night, it was Popcorn Salesman is the name of the sketch, where five different popcorn salesmen come out, and they all got a different backstory.

And you're like, they're selling popcorn, and then they have a dramatic monologue to the audience.

And then I was the second one.

Do we know why? Oh,

That's

insane.

Yes.

Flea.

Flea's got it.

Now, say what you want about the red hot chili peppers.

Sure, they could be bricks.

like i just it just makes my entire body move and it makes me feel good

Next day on Hulu.

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

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Let's say you wanna show everybody how you can carve your ribs out of your lower abdomen so that you look more like a Ken doll.

He only regretted getting caught, 'cause the way Clifford thought about it, if he didn't get caught, he hadn't actually done anything wrong.

We're kind of looking for something like that.

Oh, looking for something like that.

Coming right out and saying it.

I haven't fucking seen you for a minute and a half.

You're already talking to me like this.

That's fine.

That's no big deal.

I know that's how fat you fucks are around here.

I

think they all have Bitcoin and NFTs and they're fucked.

I'm so scared.

but i really do i i keep going back to just i think it's sheer laziness which was always rewarded our whole lives people are always failing up our whole lives and that's not happening as much anymore that's why they try to keep women out of the workforce that's why they want abortion to be illegal so women are forced to have kids and they know they'll stay home and take care of them And they won't be able to like go and be bosses, managers, you know, and all this shit because they know once women come into the workforce, once minorities come into the workforce, so do rules.

And they do not want rules.

And it drives them fucking crazy that all of a sudden they have to say the correct thing.

All of a sudden they can't say horrible words anymore.

So before we get there and before we watch our beautiful world crumble before our very eyes, if you could deprogram all of the incels via Henry and Ed's incel deprogramming camp, what would that look like?

But yeah, the, the hotline may have been, uh, installed afterwards.

So, all right, hypothetical: we do nothing.

Uh, North Vietnam takes South Vietnam, they become communist.

What, what really happens?

The North Vietnamese knew the territory, the Americans didn't, so herding Americans into kill zones was very easy, and they were also the same kill zones they had herded the French into.

Yeah.

And the traps, I mean, you're so tired, you're so beat up, your fucking feet are bleeding.

You're not paying attention to every step you take.

That's when the cannibalism started.

What was that? [upbeat electronic music]

I love your honky voice.

Yeah, I'm having a great time being a honky.

Every day is wonderful.

And, uh, I've gotten certain successes in life just for being a honky.

You want your soldiers to? They're all in bed with each other.

They're trying to lose money.

They're prolonging the war to make more missiles so they make more money.

They don't want to have a cheap option.

They want an expensive option so they can keep filling their pockets with this war that we never needed in the first place.

Exactly.

So we could maybe, possibly, hopefully go back to how it was four months ago.

Bombs away comedy.

Please.

So we're gonna be in Tulsa, Oklahoma on July 17th, and then we're gonna be in Oklahoma City on July 18th, and then I'm solo running over to Plano, Texas right after that on July 19th.

So come hang out with me.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna hail my new cousin, Melody and Mitchell, who got married right next to the forest where Gary Ridgeway was murdering these people.

Mm.

Because 1776, the battles there really follow from the battles of 1775, and they're a lot of fun.

But I too, I've been teaching, gosh, 40 years I've been teaching American history.

I used to teach it to the sea of multitudes at University of Georgia, and I'd cover this period 'cause I'd teach the first half.

And there w- there's some great books about the battles.

There's some great books simply about the Declaration of Independence, including Walter Isaacson's new one.

Um, but some older ones about the, the, the ideas that flow from Locke and Rousseau.

Mm.

[laughs]

That was the worst.

They were too close together.

They looked like googly eyes.

I'd look up, I took off my top and everyone's like, "Oh my God, is that fucking Mickey Mouse?" I was like, "No, it's Casey Anthony, you fucking whore." [laughs]

I think that if, you know, in a, in a, in a world where everything's eye for an eye, it makes the whole world blind.

George Casca- Cassano loves to publicly, like, let people out of prison.

I mean, the guy who tried to kill Chappelle in front of the Hollywood Bowl, he famously let out of prison, like, the next day.

[laughs]

Oh, I see...

I hate looking out my window.

Every day, I get up, and I, I look outside of my window, and what do I see? Cybertruck.

Every day, the guy who lives across from the street from me, he's got a Cybertruck.

And you know how I fix that? Blinds.com.

That's right.

As soon as you're saying that Baphomet's the, like, the Devil and it's supposed to be scary, and that pentagrams are scary, it's like, oh, you're, you're a moron.

It has happened before, and it can happen again.

And that's why I, as the resident troll, fucking shithead of the show, still call myself a Satanist, because we are at the precipice of another religious war within the United States of America.

It is happening right now, just like we said [laughs] before, and we have to really think about this, 'cause yes, there is evil theistic Satanists we're not gonna go into right now, Order of Nine Angles or 764 or these other things.

That's still...

That's kind of modern, but the real shit is the fact that several hundred million people believe in another fake character called God that's killing the rest of us.

It's really great advice.

Sa- it, it is.

That's what The Satanic Witch is all about.

And death.

Yeah.

So Alligator Pelican was meant for the worst of the worst, but truth is, it's mostly everyday people who just found themselves at the wrong place at the wrong time.

In fact, the first group of detainees were there solely on immigration violations, and none on state criminal charges.

Now about 72% have no criminal record according to the Americans for Immigrant Justice.

As of April 2026, there are 1,383 human beings held captive at Alligator Pelican, but the capacity is 5,000, so they're looking to grow.

Current projections say that it has cost the American people $1.5 billion already, and it has an operating cost of $1.2 million a day, which breaks down to about $249 per person per night.

Are they fucking working on the highway? Are they doing all of this shit that you don't wanna fucking do?

[laughs]

[laughs] This would be like, "How about you uncurl your front tail?" You know, like, and stuff like that.

And he'd be like, "I don't know, Henry.

[laughs] I don't know if I'm ready to go yet." [laughs]

Yeah.

Um, and then there's this story, where was it? The, then the, the Orange Socks, um, was trying to...

The, the identified Orange Socks was the Jane Doe that was also attached to-

That's when the cannibalism started.

What was that? [upbeat music]

It's Ed Larson.

That's right.

Count Dante went from martial arts to martial farts.

[laughs]

Don't worry.

It's all planned.

Every bit of this is absolutely...

It is, oh, this is organized.

Ow, I just stepped it.

Ah, I stepped on a dreidel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We just had a whole s- flap of cattle mutilations in Oregon.

Uh, there was one in, uh, Arizona.

It's like, it happens a l- i- interestingly enough, and we don't quite know what it is.

They, everyone will always say it's wildlife, it's wolves, it's stuff like that, but it, it is very interesting.

But it, yeah, it can't be wolves 'cause they're not actually eating the animal.

Can't wait

...

[laughs]

He just, I know George just kept that one man hostage in his basement, but that had nothing to do with the music, Eddie.

So many crazy artists from the Top of the Pops, man.

Did you, did you hear, um, when the Spice Girls back on tour, they had, Baby Spice had to change her name.

If Jimmy Savile was hurt when he said he was hurt, then it would've been impossible for him to appear at the age of 21 as an extra in the 1948 film A Boy, a Girl and a Bike, in which Savile appears for a few seconds in the film's climax riding in a Yorkshire bike race.

One thing I've learned from being on this show in the last couple years is often thing that I see or notice is that these fucking predators, these evil people, they always like to paint themselves as a victim.

So-

All right, April 25th, Cincinnati, Ohio.

May 29th, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

June 27th, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

July 17th, Tulsa, Oklahoma.

July 18th, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

Yeah

... is that they do make it their way to the top of the mine cart thing.

They beat Fagin, thinking that they're gonna beat him to death.

They think that's it.

They think that is what's gonna disrupt the chimney sweeps.

They, they don't understand there's not even...

Not on- not only are the chimney sweeps expendable, so are the masters, and then another master just rises to the, the forefront, and it's just a kid with one eye.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

[laughs]

But the, uh, but they, they did that, you know? I'm like, well, if you're gonna take that angle...

goes through.

And the best part about it was, he didn't, it wasn't gotcha journalism, and they kept saying it was gotcha journalism.

But it was just like, he interviewed them, they answered, and then he repeated their answers back to them.

And they were like, "Whoa."

Yeah.

Yeah.

Very nice.

I had to...

I went to put up a pennant, and I had a tack, and the wall was too hard, and I was like, "I know what I'm gonna do." I went to the fucking lumber store and I got a tack hammer, and I went home and I hit the tack.

Yeah.

And, like, they dra- and then finally, like, his arm got ripped off, and then they were dragging his ass, and then fucking his shoulder fell out of his body, like, while he was, like...

And then, like, th- of course, like, the thing I saw, like, paused and showed the shoulder fall out of his body, and then they stopped the truck and then just shot him a bunch.

How did he shape it, Ed?

Well, George Mason was, uh, a brilliant, Whig-minded, well-read...

He was a, um...

He-- I guess you'd call him a libertarian.

He didn't-- He'd grown to distrust government.

His plantation is right next to George Washington's Mount Vernon, and the two of them had been close friends.

Indeed, together, they'd written the Fairfax Revolu- Resolutions, which were one of the early, um, documents in the movement toward, um, during the Stamp Act crisis and beyond, um, claiming the rights of British subjects.

Did he understand that by the fall of, of '76?

Here's Ed.

It was because if you look back, words matter, and you can see it in the words.

If you follow these words closely, and if you look back to literally anything in 1775, all the way through to December, you don't get people talking like that.

You don't even get George Washington talking like that.

They were looking for a reconciliation.

So even in, and this to me underscores it, even in the Declaration of the Causes of Taking Up Arms, which the Second Continental Congress had passed in the summer of 1775 after receiving words of Lexington and Concord and the battles there.

So they took up arms, but they said, we are taking up arms to defend our rights, our God-given birthright as British subjects of the king.