97: The #1 Thing You Must Know About Abuse For a Lasting Breakthrough

If you never read another book, listen to another podcast, or consume another piece of content about abuse, there is **one thing I want you to understand:** If you continue looking at your relationship through an **incident-based lens**, you will always end up asking the wrong questions. You’ll focus on individual moments — *What did he say? What did I say? What happened right before the argument? Could I have handled that differently? Did I contribute to this?* each incident, it becomes incredibly easy to conclude that you could have done something differently. That is exactly why **pattern-based thinking is so important.** Instead of examining each incident as though it exists independently, pattern-based thinking asks you to step back and look at what is happening **over time**. What function does his behavior serve? What does it consistently produce? What happens to you as a result? The more you analyze individual incidents, the easier it becomes to put yourself on trial. An incident-based lens can leave you endlessly trying to solve individual moments. A pattern-based lens allows you to finally see the system you are living inside. ### **Write These Questions Down** As you listen, I want you to write these questions down and begin applying them to the interactions you have experienced: - **What is the function?** - **What outcome is this producing?** - **Why does this work?** - **What about this is effective?** - **How does this destabilize me?** - **What is the sentence designed to do?** - **What is the impact on me?** - **How does this erode my clarity?** These questions move you away from *“What happened in this one argument?”* and toward *“What is this behavior accomplishing within the larger pattern?”* That shift can change everything. **Aimee Says Link:** https://www.aimeesays.com/en/home?via=grace Use Code "GRACE" for a discount. **Schedule a 1:1 with me here:** https://linktr.ee/gracestuart01?utm\_source=ig&utm\_medium=social&utm\_content=link\_in\_bio&fbclid=PAcGRvZgJleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA85MzY2MTk3NDMzOTI0NTkAAadSCqIThrr8DL-EI5lNwPKf4xpSvBk5gz2uryK-e1VOqEVdiXi2-vlkNuEVTw\_aem\_HJGz5\_nmZ5wQrP2wQInssw * * * Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.