Aug 20, 2026 · 25 min · 7 segments
In this episode I discuss how we hide those parts of ourselves that are not acceptable to our partner, which then gets 'acted out' onto the relationship in other ways. Dr. Tom Philp is the founder of…
Tom PhilpHost
Okay, as I mentioned in the opening here, we're talking about the parts of ourselves we hide in our relationship.
And what happens is in our history, growing up in our families, there may be a part of us that our caregivers were not able to tolerate.
Attachment answers the question, are you there for me when I need you? And it could be that our caretakers were able to provide a sense of safety for us.
They showed up Enough times in the patterns at those moments where we were scared and we needed somebody, they were there for us.
But what happens when we were angry? Or what happens when we were ashamed? Or what happens when we were sad? Were our caretakers able to sit with those emotions or were those intolerable? And what I see over and over oftentimes with my couples is in their relational history, they might have been firmly attached to their caregivers.
When they got really excited and really joyful and really expansive, their caretakers were always trying to calm them down.
We don't want to put all our eggs in one basket and get too hopeful about And we probably know some people like that, right? That they're pretty monotone in their emotional life.
Because if they let themselves get too excited about something or too hopeful that, well, that just means something bad is going to happen.
That's an example of how our caretakers might have provided a secure attachment for us.
Okay, as I mentioned in the opening here, we're talking about the parts of ourselves we hide in our relationship.
And what happens is in our history, growing up in our families, there may be a part of us that our caregivers were not able to tolerate.
Attachment answers the question, are you there for me when I need you? And it could be that our caretakers were able to provide a sense of safety for us.
They showed up Enough times in the patterns at those moments where we were scared and we needed somebody, they were there for us.
But what happens when we were angry? Or what happens when we were ashamed? Or what happens when we were sad? Were our caretakers able to sit with those emotions or were those intolerable? And what I see over and over oftentimes with my couples is in their relational history, they might have been firmly attached to their caregivers.
When they got really excited and really joyful and really expansive, their caretakers were always trying to calm them down.
We don't want to put all our eggs in one basket and get too hopeful about And we probably know some people like that, right? That they're pretty monotone in their emotional life.
Because if they let themselves get too excited about something or too hopeful that, well, that just means something bad is going to happen.
That's an example of how our caretakers might have provided a secure attachment for us.
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