Jul 24, 2026 · 18 min · 6 segments
In this week's Agony Aunties episode, Julia, Emily and Sophie answer a heartfelt question from a listener who feels deeply lonely despite appearing successful on the outside. Together, they explore…
Julia SamuelHostI have this really clear memory of when I was a child of wishing that I had a twin, and I think my sort of fantasy was that if I had this twin, there would be someone who could just look at me, and they would know everything about me, and they'd understand everything about me, and I wouldn't have to explain it or do anything.
They would be like a permeable other person that, that would mean that I would never feel alone.
And of course, the reality is even if I had a twin, that wouldn't have been the case, because the reality is the people can't really know us on the inside unless we do something about it, and it sounded such a sort of painful gap between the kind of internal you and the external you that everybody around you could see.
And I think it, it's, it's a very, very lonely place to have that sort of feeling of like people sort of see me, but they really don't-
They know this kind of sanitized, acceptable version of myself, and I think that human connection is such a sort of fundamental pillar to happiness, isn't it? And I think it's really difficult to feel proper human connection if you feel like the sort of deepest parts of you are not visible to anybody.
And I suppose the thing that sort of struck me was this idea of what might be getting in your way is the message around it would be a burden to somebody else to share parts of yourself, and I think I would just be very curious with yourself about, like, where does that message come from, the idea that sort of peeling off layers of yourself is somehow then a weight on others? Because actually, often what it does is allow the other person to also be vulnerable with you when we're vulnerable with somebody.
Instead of being a burden, it can be really experienced as a, like an invitation or a opening or a, a really, you know ...
I think I sort of feel honored when somebody shares something deeper about themselves with me.
And I think I'd also be curious about what you think might happen, because I think the sort of message you're saying is like, "I'm terrified of being alone, but I'm also really terrified of being rejected if I show someone who I really am." And so if therapy is an option for you, I think that might be a really important, interesting thing to explore.
And then my only other thought was thinking about has this been true always all of your life, or has there been people, like a parent or a sibling or a best friend, that you have felt known you? Like, is there a template there at all? And it just might be helpful to kind of think of that, remind yourself of that.
And if there hasn't, that's a sort of important piece of n- knowledge too in, in terms of how alone you've been for, for so much of your life.
One of the things that I was thinking when you were first talking is, Mom, you would often say, "To be loved is to be known."
And that one of the kind of parts of what feels so deeply isolating and lonely about not feeling known is not feeling loved, that they're the two really ...
And so there is this thing that we all experience- That there's this sort of vulnerability, this risk that comes from letting people in.
And we may have let the wrong people in that were not trustworthy, or we did experience very painful rejection.
I have this really clear memory of when I was a child of wishing that I had a twin, and I think my sort of fantasy was that if I had this twin, there would be someone who could just look at me, and they would know everything about me, and they'd understand everything about me, and I wouldn't have to explain it or do anything.
They would be like a permeable other person that, that would mean that I would never feel alone.
And of course, the reality is even if I had a twin, that wouldn't have been the case, because the reality is the people can't really know us on the inside unless we do something about it, and it sounded such a sort of painful gap between the kind of internal you and the external you that everybody around you could see.
And I think it, it's, it's a very, very lonely place to have that sort of feeling of like people sort of see me, but they really don't-
They know this kind of sanitized, acceptable version of myself, and I think that human connection is such a sort of fundamental pillar to happiness, isn't it? And I think it's really difficult to feel proper human connection if you feel like the sort of deepest parts of you are not visible to anybody.
And I suppose the thing that sort of struck me was this idea of what might be getting in your way is the message around it would be a burden to somebody else to share parts of yourself, and I think I would just be very curious with yourself about, like, where does that message come from, the idea that sort of peeling off layers of yourself is somehow then a weight on others? Because actually, often what it does is allow the other person to also be vulnerable with you when we're vulnerable with somebody.
Instead of being a burden, it can be really experienced as a, like an invitation or a opening or a, a really, you know ...
I think I sort of feel honored when somebody shares something deeper about themselves with me.
And I think I'd also be curious about what you think might happen, because I think the sort of message you're saying is like, "I'm terrified of being alone, but I'm also really terrified of being rejected if I show someone who I really am." And so if therapy is an option for you, I think that might be a really important, interesting thing to explore.
And then my only other thought was thinking about has this been true always all of your life, or has there been people, like a parent or a sibling or a best friend, that you have felt known you? Like, is there a template there at all? And it just might be helpful to kind of think of that, remind yourself of that.
And if there hasn't, that's a sort of important piece of n- knowledge too in, in terms of how alone you've been for, for so much of your life.
One of the things that I was thinking when you were first talking is, Mom, you would often say, "To be loved is to be known."
And that one of the kind of parts of what feels so deeply isolating and lonely about not feeling known is not feeling loved, that they're the two really ...
And so there is this thing that we all experience- That there's this sort of vulnerability, this risk that comes from letting people in.
And we may have let the wrong people in that were not trustworthy, or we did experience very painful rejection.
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