Sex Advice We Need to Retire Immediately

Okay, Exhibit A, good sex should always be spontaneous.

I'm sorry, who said that? No, I legitimately want the name because I have a sneaking suspicion that this advice originated from someone who's never had to coordinate two adult schedules, wash a fitted sheet, or remember whether the dog's been fed.

And I know what you're thinking, "But spontaneity is romantic." Sure, sometimes.

You know what else is romantic? Having clean sheets and not having to be anywhere for the next hour.

We've been sold this idea that if you're really, really attracted to somebody, you're supposed to be overcome with desire at any given moment.

Like, you're in the kitchen making pasta.

You make eye contact, and suddenly the spaghetti is abandoned, which is honestly disrespectful to the pasta.

I've just spent 20 minutes making that sauce.

I didn't mince garlic for nothing.

[sighs] I, I blame romantic movies actually because movie sex is-- it's a very specific genre of fiction.

Nobody's phone rings.

Nobody gets a leg cramp.

Nobody realizes the fitted sheet popped off at the corner of the mattress.

Nobody accidentally knocks over the water on the nightstand.

And most importantly, nobody ever says, "Wait, did you lock the front door?" Which for me is a legitimate concern because I can't focus on anything romantic if there's even a possibility that a stranger can walk into my house and steal my air fryer.

That's an expensive appliance.

I'm not risking it.

But movies, they've convinced us [lips smacking] that the planning, you know, of intimacy, the planning of it is some- somehow less passionate than having it happen completely out of nowhere.

And I don't buy it because why is anticipation suddenly a bad thing? If I know I'm going on vacation next month, I get excited.

If I know I'm going to my favorite restaurant Friday night, I look forward to it all week.

But if I know I'm going to have a romantic evening with my partner on a specific day, let's say Saturday, suddenly that's supposed to be depressing.

No, that's called having something to look forward to.

And quite frankly, I appreciate the notice.

You know, get my everything shower out of the way because there are certain stages of adulthood where spontaneity becomes a logistical nightmare.

We...