Self-Hatred & Anxiety

The temptation, when dealing with anxiety, is always and invariably to focus on the ostensible cause of our worry – the journey to the airport, the forthcoming speech, the letter one is waiting for or the presentation one has to hand in.

But if we proceed more psychologically, we might begin in a very different place.

with great kindness and no disrespect, we may step past the objective content of anxiety and look instead at something else – how the anxious person feels about themselves.

An unexpected cause of high anxiety is self-hatred.

People who have grown up not to like themselves very much at all have an above-average risk of suffering from extremes of anxiety.

Because if one doesn't think one is worthy, it must follow that the world is permanently and imminently at high risk of punishing one in the way one suspects one actually deserves.

It seems to fit that people may be laughing behind one's back, that one may soon be sacked or disgraced, that one's an appropriate target for bullying and rejection, and that persecution and worse may be heading towards us.

If things seem to be going well, this must just be some deceptively quiet period before others are about to realise their error and mete out some horrific punishment.

For the self-hating, anxiety is a pre-emptive anticipation of the pain that one unconsciously feels one is owed.

Very bad things must and should happen to very bad people.

Part of the problem, and one of the curious aspects of the way our minds work, is that it isn't always clear that one is even suffering from low self-esteem.

hating oneself has just become second nature rather than an issue one has the will to rebel against or so much as notice.

To tease out the sorrow and start to feel it again as a prelude to treating it, one might need to fire a few questions at oneself.

We've prepared a self-esteem questionnaire.

1.

Broadly speaking, I like myself as I am.

Agree strongly, agree, neither agree nor disagree, disagree, disagree strongly.

2.

People should be relatively grateful to have me in their lives.

Agree strongly, agree, neither agree nor disagree, disagree, disagree strongly.

3.

If I didn't know me, I'd think I was okay.

Agree strongly Agree Neither agree nor disagree Disagree Disagree strongly Growing up, I was given the feeling that I properly deserved to exist.

Agree strongly Agree Neither agree nor disagree Disagree Disagree strongly If one finds oneself at the disagreeing end of many such questions, it may be that one is an agitated person not because one has more to worry about, but because one likes oneself rather less than normal, and certainly rather less than one fairly should.

The cure isn't therefore to try to dispel anxieties with logic, it is to try to dispel it with love.

The temptation, when dealing with anxiety, is always and invariably to focus on the ostensible cause of our worry – the journey to the airport, the forthcoming speech, the letter one is waiting for or the presentation one has to hand in.

But if we proceed more psychologically, we might begin in a very different place.

with great kindness and no disrespect, we may step past the objective content of anxiety and look instead at something else – how the anxious person feels about themselves.

An unexpected cause of high anxiety is self-hatred.

People who have grown up not to like themselves very much at all have an above-average risk of suffering from extremes of anxiety.

Because if one doesn't think one is worthy, it must follow that the world is permanently and imminently at high risk of punishing one in the way one suspects one actually deserves.

It seems to fit that people may be laughing behind one's back, that one may soon be sacked or disgraced, that one's an appropriate target for bullying and rejection, and that persecution and worse may be heading towards us.

If things seem to be going well, this must just be some deceptively quiet period before others are about to realise their error and mete out some horrific punishment.

For the self-hating, anxiety is a pre-emptive anticipation of the pain that one unconsciously feels one is owed.

Very bad things must and should happen to very bad people.

Part of the problem, and one of the curious aspects of the way our minds work, is that it isn't always clear that one is even suffering from low self-esteem.

hating oneself has just become second nature rather than an issue one has the will to rebel against or so much as notice.

To tease out the sorrow and start to feel it again as a prelude to treating it, one might need to fire a few questions at oneself.

We've prepared a self-esteem questionnaire.

1.

Broadly speaking, I like myself as I am.

Agree strongly, agree, neither agree nor disagree, disagree, disagree strongly.

2.

People should be relatively grateful to have me in their lives.

Agree strongly, agree, neither agree nor disagree, disagree, disagree strongly.

3.

If I didn't know me, I'd think I was okay.

Agree strongly Agree Neither agree nor disagree Disagree Disagree strongly Growing up, I was given the feeling that I properly deserved to exist.

Agree strongly Agree Neither agree nor disagree Disagree Disagree strongly If one finds oneself at the disagreeing end of many such questions, it may be that one is an agitated person not because one has more to worry about, but because one likes oneself rather less than normal, and certainly rather less than one fairly should.

The cure isn't therefore to try to dispel anxieties with logic, it is to try to dispel it with love.