First Light, Peace - Ep 43

And so today I want to talk about peace.

And I want to say to you that I've learned something really new and fresh.

I don't think any of the words I say today are going to sound astoundingly new to many of you, but they are for me.

in my heart and where this starts for me is that in the last couple of three weeks, my oldest brother Hollis has had open heart surgery.

He was on a table in Nashville, and they put his heart on a bypass machine and they stopped it from beating.

And he was in surgery on the heart machine, not a single heartbeat happening out of his real heart for four hours.

For four hours, they stopped his heart.

And during that period of time, I was not able to be with him, obviously.

And I found myself up early that morning, very much not at peace.

probably about four o'clock in the morning.

He was in Nashville.

I was not able to be in Nashville because they weren't really gonna allow any visitors.

And so he was there in a hospital and I couldn't be by his side when it was time for him to get ready to go to surgery.

I couldn't be with him after surgery.

And so I was waiting for my turn to get to go and be with him, but not really 100% knowing for sure what that was gonna look like.

And so I got up early dealing with my own unrest, and I just started praying.

And I'm going to be honest with you and say that I was not okay in any way with saying to God, let your will be done, not my will.

Now, I could say it with my words, but I couldn't say it with my heart.

And if I know anything to be true about God, it's that He knows our heart.

He knows my heart.

And so I'm there trying to pray, and I'm not experiencing peace.

I'm not experiencing the sensation of just complete trust in the Lord because I'm very, very aware that I do not want God's will, if God's will was for my brother, to die on that operating table.

I wasn't able to say, whatever it is that you want, Lord, whatever it is that glorifies you, that's what I want.

I just wasn't.

I wanted nothing.