Dr. Ramani Live ~ Dr. Ramani

So I want you to imagine that kind of a, that sort of a race that is set up that way.

And it dawned on me that this is actually, this is where I, you know, I'm now at this point trying to rationalize my own damn book to myself because I've been talking about it so much.

But this is where a book like It's Not You becomes interesting, right? A lot of people have been through these relationships and in a way it doesn't matter whether we call them narcissistic or not.

I think that framework helps.

So you understand why these relationships are so tricky and so challenging because they're on, they're off.

They were charming in the beginning.

Other people think these are great people, on and on and on, right? But what's so challenging about these relationships, especially if you started with a narcissistic parent or parents, that when you pick up, and I'm gonna give you some very clear examples of folks I've worked with over the years.

They will say, long before I met you as a shrink or heard your stuff, I was picking up books that would tell me how to get out of my own way, how to get unstuck, how to be better, how to address stuff.

Most of these books were written by people who had been through something and wrote a book, right? It wasn't from the perspective of mental health.

It was a perspective of like, this is what worked for me, great.

And some of these books had real gems in them.

But then what a lot of people were saying, I'm not clear why this isn't working for me.

I'm following this book.

I'm writing it down the way they're telling me.

I'm talking into the mirror the way they're telling me.

I'm setting intentions, whatever each book.

I'm thin slicing a habit or something like that to the most small level.

And people will say, I was following it, I was doing it.

It's almost like a person who's on a diet.

And they're like, I did it all.

I ate only the egg white this and only the kale that and only drank this and only did that and walked this many miles and monitored myself to the ends of the earth.

But things weren't getting better.

And the people who were trying to help themselves, and sometimes they were even going into therapy too.

Well, it's not like they were just trying to do this themselves.

They're saying, this isn't working.