Why Do I Want Two Opposite Things? Conflicting Parts in Complex Trauma

Hey everybody, welcome back to the Complex Trauma Podcast.

Have you ever spent like the whole week feeling lonely and wishing somebody would finally reach out and then the second they actually do, you kind of want them to leave you alone? No.

Maybe it's Friday afternoon, and all day long you've been telling yourself that you need connection.

You're desperate for it.

You really don't want another night sitting at home by yourself.

And then a friend texts, like, I can come over around 7 if you want.

And for a second, there's a little bit of relief.

Somebody thought of me.

I don't have to be alone tonight.

And then almost immediately, something kind of shifts.

You notice the dishes in the sink.

You think about having to talk.

You picture them sitting on your couch, asking how you've been, and suddenly the whole thing feels like a little bit too much.

Maybe your shoulders tighten.

Maybe you're suddenly completely exhausted.

And maybe there's no body sensation that you can name at all, and you just look at the messages and feel irritated.

Now you're thinking something like, why did they assume I was free? Why so early? I don't want anybody in my space.

So you start typing, I'm actually exhausted.

Can we do another night? But then before you hit send, another thought comes in.

If I cancel again, they're going to stop asking.

And then I'll be alone, which is exactly what I said I didn't want.

So you put your phone down, pick it back up, type, delete, type, delete.

Maybe you finally say yes, and then you spend the next two hours wishing you'd said no.

Or you say no, and the second your friend replies, no problem, you feel this drop in your stomach like you're being rejected.

And now you're not only lonely and overwhelmed, now you're also ashamed.