Same Fear, Two Faces

So if we look at the hyper independent on one hand, this is the person that really struggles to trust other people, keeps other people's at arm's length.

They really struggle to let somebody into their inner world.

But when somebody eventually does get in, they will be so loyal.

They will be loyal to a fault to this person.

They will defend them and they will trust them.

But the hyper independent will still really struggle to be intimate with them, to really share their own fears and their own worries.

And because a lot of the times they are convinced themselves that they are fine.

They really struggle with vulnerability and the struggle asking for help, relying on other people because they think, well, ultimately, what's the point? Because they're going to end up letting me down.

Or if I become so used to it, it's going to even be worse because then eventually when they let me down, I'm going to be even in a worse place.

So I just I'm so used to doing everything by myself because that's what I had to do in childhood.

And so this is the place I operate from.

And on the other hand, here we can have the codependent.

A lot of people might refer to this as being a people pleaser.

Right.

So being really scared to say no to somebody else because they don't want to upset the other person or they can't handle or tolerate if they disappoint somebody else or even the thoughts of somebody else not liking them.

can make somebody feel sick in their stomach.

So they want to avoid that at all costs and they will avoid conflict at all costs.

This matters so much to be able to identify which area you fall stronger to, because in both camps, people will be able to recognize, oh, well, I might be a bit of that or I might be a bit of the other.

But to recognize where you're operating from, because this will show up with your kids.

And of course it does, right? This is somebody that you're living with.

This is somebody that you care so much about.

This is someone that you don't want to hurt and you don't want to damage.

So whether you are the hyper independent or the hyper dependent, our kids are going to mirror back to us our deepest fears.

And so both of these categories, right, the hyper independent and the hyper dependent, they look polar opposites, but they're actually operating from the same fear.

If we imagine these two groups are in a Venn diagram, imagine that they overlap.