The CALM Parent - with Katie McKenna
Oct 13, 2026 · 29 min · 11 segments
Guilt says *I did a bad thing.* Shame says *I am a bad person.* If you grew up being shamed for so much as wanting to be seen, you probably can’t tell them apart. You’ve been swimming in shame so…
Katie McKennaHost
So this episode, I want to talk about the difference between guilt and shame, because when I think of that in terms of the box of responsibility that you, the child, had, not only are you being made feel guilty that if you don't do the thing, it is not just individual, right? So guilt is, uh, I did a bad thing, but shame is I am a bad person.
You know, maybe if I break something, and this can be anything from the eggs in the fridge to I borrowed something from somebody else, or this can be, you know, I, I spilled the milk, or I dropped a jar in a supermarket.
Guilt is, is that my behavior either directly caused this or led to this thing, and I'm not happy with this specific thing.
So now if I did something that I'm not happy with, that means that all of me is bad, useless, not good enough, worthless.
I don't want anybody to know that I did this thing, because they're gonna have the opinion about me that I hold about myself." So the guilt is over one specific action, one specific behavior that happened, but if you can hear when I'm talking about shame, it's global.
And this is where, for the child that grows up in dysfunction in a narcissistic family system, they grow up in shame.
They're often not able to separate this out because they will think that this is just who I am.
So this episode, I want to talk about the difference between guilt and shame, because when I think of that in terms of the box of responsibility that you, the child, had, not only are you being made feel guilty that if you don't do the thing, it is not just individual, right? So guilt is, uh, I did a bad thing, but shame is I am a bad person.
You know, maybe if I break something, and this can be anything from the eggs in the fridge to I borrowed something from somebody else, or this can be, you know, I, I spilled the milk, or I dropped a jar in a supermarket.
Guilt is, is that my behavior either directly caused this or led to this thing, and I'm not happy with this specific thing.
So now if I did something that I'm not happy with, that means that all of me is bad, useless, not good enough, worthless.
I don't want anybody to know that I did this thing, because they're gonna have the opinion about me that I hold about myself." So the guilt is over one specific action, one specific behavior that happened, but if you can hear when I'm talking about shame, it's global.
And this is where, for the child that grows up in dysfunction in a narcissistic family system, they grow up in shame.
They're often not able to separate this out because they will think that this is just who I am.
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