Sep 9, 2026 · 14 min · 13 segments
If your avoidant ex seemed completely done, but you're wondering whether they could change their mind, this video will help you understand what's happening beneath the surface. I explain the…
Okay, so avoidants crave intimacy more than you realize.
One of the biggest misconceptions about avoidants is that they do not want intimacy.
That's not true.
They do.
They want love, affection, emotional connection, just like anyone else.
And in fact, some avoidants may crave that connection a lot more than their behavior would actually lead you to believe.
The problem is that intimacy also requires vulnerability.
The closer they get to someone, the more emotionally exposed they feel because now someone matters to them, which means that they can be rejected, they can be disappointed, they can lose their independence.
Someone else's feelings and needs have to be considered.
So they find themself in this very strange position.
They want intimacy, but they're also afraid of what comes with it.
It's like you wanna eat the cake, but you're afraid of the calories [chuckles] that come with it.
And when the relationship becomes emotionally intense, their instinct is to create distance, not necessarily because they stopped caring, but because it makes them feel safer.
And sometimes the ultimate form of distance is unfortunately ending the relationship.
The second reason avoidants come back after they said it was over is because distance makes it safer for them to want you.
So when you were in the relationship, you were close enough to activate all those fears.
Once the relationship ended, that changed.
There were no more expectations, no conversations about where the relationship is going.
They don't have to worry about disappointing you.
They don't have to be vulnerable or feel responsible for meeting your emotional needs.
They have their independence back, and suddenly they can think about you without feeling all of those things that made the relationship uncomfortable.
They can miss you without feeling trapped.
They can want you without feeling pressured.
They can imagine being close to you without actually having to deal with the vulnerability that comes with closeness.
So in other words, distance makes it safer, emotionally safer, for an avoidant to feel their attachment to you.
Okay, so avoidants crave intimacy more than you realize.
One of the biggest misconceptions about avoidants is that they do not want intimacy.
That's not true.
They do.
They want love, affection, emotional connection, just like anyone else.
And in fact, some avoidants may crave that connection a lot more than their behavior would actually lead you to believe.
The problem is that intimacy also requires vulnerability.
The closer they get to someone, the more emotionally exposed they feel because now someone matters to them, which means that they can be rejected, they can be disappointed, they can lose their independence.
Someone else's feelings and needs have to be considered.
So they find themself in this very strange position.
They want intimacy, but they're also afraid of what comes with it.
It's like you wanna eat the cake, but you're afraid of the calories [chuckles] that come with it.
And when the relationship becomes emotionally intense, their instinct is to create distance, not necessarily because they stopped caring, but because it makes them feel safer.
And sometimes the ultimate form of distance is unfortunately ending the relationship.
The second reason avoidants come back after they said it was over is because distance makes it safer for them to want you.
So when you were in the relationship, you were close enough to activate all those fears.
Once the relationship ended, that changed.
There were no more expectations, no conversations about where the relationship is going.
They don't have to worry about disappointing you.
They don't have to be vulnerable or feel responsible for meeting your emotional needs.
They have their independence back, and suddenly they can think about you without feeling all of those things that made the relationship uncomfortable.
They can miss you without feeling trapped.
They can want you without feeling pressured.
They can imagine being close to you without actually having to deal with the vulnerability that comes with closeness.
So in other words, distance makes it safer, emotionally safer, for an avoidant to feel their attachment to you.
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