440: What Are You Looking For?

Your subconscious mind is very powerful and it can work for you if you train it. In this episode of The Art of Living Big, Betsy shares five ways to uncover the hidden beliefs that steer your decisions about your marriage, career, and life. She closes with a simple daily practice to help you re frame your mind, that starts with “show me what is true.” The message here is without a little training, your brain may only be showing you one side. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hello, fellow adventurers. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today So I wanted to talk today, which first of all, we are officially relaunching the show after 10 years, and I say relaunching. What’s different? There’s gonna be new podcast art. We’re doing this on video, so you can watch this on YouTube, and the episodes will be longer. So you’ll start noticing over the next few weeks these episodes becoming longer and longer. I got a lot of feedback from people that they really wanted a little bit longer episode, and I thought, “You know what? I’ve been doing it one way for 10 years. Let’s mi- let’s mix it up just a little bit.” So, okay. So I wanna talk about something that I have … A little magic from the universe is what I wanna talk about. Every morning, I go for a walk, and I take the same walk essentially. Th- there’s a couple different routes that I take. Sometimes it’s like an infinity sign the way that I do it. Sometimes it’s a circle, but the same w- routes every single day, and I have for years. I’ve lived in this place for years, and I lived just up the road for several years. So I’ve been walking the same path, the same sidewalk, the same trees, the same houses, the same cracks in the concrete, you know? And some days, I will switch up which sides of the street I go on, and some days, I will go reverse order. So it just depends on how I’m feeling. Some days, I do it all jigjaggity all over the place because I wanna keep my brain a- alert, keep my brain awake, and sometimes I’m not sure how long I wanna walk, and then once I get going, then I do a couple extra loops around. But essentially, it is the same walk. I could do it with my eyes closed. And so for the last week or so, I have been doing, I’m gonna say a little experiment. But it’s kind of, you know, just like you, life gets hard at times, and things are stressful, and I’m managing a lot of things, and I live alone. And although there are some really magical things about living alone, I highly recommend, th- it also can be a bit isolating, but also there’s like a co-regulation that happens when you live with somebody. Hopefully, you live with somebody that’s regulated and can help you co-regulate. But I think that’s one of the benefits of partnership, ? And I don’t have that, and although I have close friends that I spend time with, lots of times that’s on the weekends, and during the week it can feel a little bit isolating. And so in the mornings, I have been asking the universe, because I totally believe in asking the universe for,, something specific that you really want. Like I ask the universe, you know, I did an episode, my birthday episode, not the Q&A one, but it was, like, the one after that where I talked about going down to Florida, and I talked about how I asked my mother, angel mother, I asked the universe I want a birthday present from her. And, and voila, if you listen to that episode, that’s kind of a magical little story. So this past couple weeks, probably about, for about three weeks, I have asked the universe, , “Show me that I am loved.” And I have to say, you know, I feel like I get a lot of, interaction with people, like, online, and I, I, I’m not gonna lie, that is, it’s really nice. I feel like some, lots of times it’s, like, the same people that I kinda see in my inbox on Instagram, and I feel a, a connection to them. I know they listen to the show, they interact. We kinda get to know each other in that way. And so it is always nice when someone says, “I love your outfit,” . but it’s different than if you had somebody in your home, you know? It’s different than if you had somebody that was a friend that you met up with to get nachos. You know what I mean? So I have been asking, show me that I’m loved. , That’s it, just show me that I am loved. And I think my job in this is to be looking for proof, but also open to all the ways that that could happen. It doesn’t have to happen from a husband that comes in, you know? I had that, and it, I, I I had that, and it didn’t ever feel, it didn’t ever really feel like I was loved. So it, it could come from anything. It could come from seeing a friend and seeing a big, huge smile on their face. For a little while when I would see friends, for the first time if I hadn’t seen them in a couple weeks, just ’cause life and that’s how life is when you’re an adult, right? But I would turn on my video recorder on my phone. God love them for not being mad at me for this, but I would wanna see their face the moment they saw me. , I met my friend Elizabeth at a farmers market, and her face when she saw me, like, lit up. And, uh, my friend Audra, , her face lit up. , I… So I would take, I would take a little video, and then I would screenshot their face. I have it in a little album on my phone of Happy Friends, I think the album is called. But I know that either they need something, you know, they need to see they were loved, or I need to be a better friend if they don’t look ha- if they’re like, “Hi.” Like… So I want, I want them, I, I lo- I feel loved when people are happy to see me. That’s a, a way I feel loved. So, all right, so the other day, I’m out on my walk. I’m open to re- receiving love in whichever ways that it comes, but I am saying over and over again, sort of like a mantra, , “Show me that I am loved. Show me that I am loved. Show me that I am loved.” And I’m looking down, ’cause I’m walking, you know? And I live in Atlanta, so the sidewalks can be uneven. So I’m looking up, but I’m also making sure I’m noticing where I’m going. And someone at some point took a minute and wrote in wet cement on the sidewalk. And I was, as I was walking, literally saying to myself in my head, “Show me I am loved. Show me I am loved.” A little cat came up, and I thought, “Oh, maybe this is my little show me I am loved,” ’cause it followed me for a little while. And then I stopped, because someone had written in the wet cement three words, “You are loved.” You are loved. I stopped, I kind of laughed out loud because that … Well, first of all, that is very literal. Show me you are loved. You are loved. The only thing that was missing was Betsy. You are loved, Betsy. But I asked to be shown, and it showed me, like in my exact words, spelled out in concrete. Now, did that message just appear, like out of thin air that morning? Not very likely. Although, we could have a whole discussion about quantum theory and maybe. Is the cat in the box if you don’t see the cat? Like, I, maybe, maybe. But i- i- in the physical reality that I live in, , I would say cement doesn’t work that way. That writing has probably been there for a really long time. Or, the, the concrete looked maybe a year old, right? But I have likely walked past it dozens and dozens of times. And so why did I see it that day? And that is what this episode is about. Because I think that this is one of the most important things that you can really understand about your own mind, especially if you’re in the middle of a big decision about your life, or your job, or your marriage. Your brain is gonna show you evidence of what you believe. And so I wanna kinda dive into what’s actually happening here. So, l- let’s, let’s pause for a second, and I wanna just talk about what your brain is actually doing on, in every moment. So every second your brain is taking in a lot of information, and way more than you could consciously handle, right? It’s taking in like the temperature, the sounds, , the feeling of your clothes against your body, um, every word on every sign that you pass. Like you have had to be aware of all of it unconsciously in order for it to come to you consciously. But if you had to be aware of it all consciously, you couldn’t function, okay? So your unconscious mind has to take it in and process it, so your brain filters. It filters it, and it does it in about three different ways. It deletes, and it distorts, and it generalizes. So deleting is just like what it sounds like. Your brain just decides something isn’t relevant and so it never makes it to your conscious awareness. It’s just kinda like hanging out there. Y- you know, it’s like you just don’t get the memo. If you’re watching this on YouTube, maybe you didn’t notice I have a little pillow and something else right there. I don’t know what that little white thing is. Oh, it’s a little book, a little notebook. You might not have noticed it. I didn’t notice it when I started ’cause my brain deleted it. It wasn’t important, you know? Wasn’t important. And so how does your brain decide what is relevant? It is largely by what you already believe and what you’re looking for. So before last week, you are loved written in a sidewalk wasn’t really relevant to me. Deleted, right? The moment I started asking, it became relevant, and then it became available to me, right? I, I could go down a whole rabbit hole here ’cause I do wonder, on the days when I switch up my route, why did I end up on the exact side of the street, going in the exact direction that I needed to in order to see that in the way that I did? So I think unconsciously, some part of me, right, my subconscious already saw it, but never showed it to me consciously ’cause it didn’t think it was relevant. But now I’m saying, “Show me I’m loved. Show me I’m loved,” and my brain library is like, “Okay, well, bring her to that thing.” We, we happen to notice there was a little sign. Bring her there. Encourage her to walk that direction. Uh, there’s no rhyme or reason for why I walk the way that I do other than I feel like it. I feel like going this way. I feel like taking a left. I feel like doing this extra loop. So did some part of me already know it was there and walk me right over to it? I think that is very possible. I actually think it’s very likely. Your unconscious mind sees far more than it ever tells you, and w- we’ll go down that rabbit hole another day. But here’s the part that I really want to focus on today. If your brain will do this for show me I’m loved, then it will do it for anything that you believe. It will do it for anything that you believe. So let’s say somewhere deep down you believe money is scarce. Let’s say deep down you believe he’s never gonna change. Let’s say deep down you believe your boss just hates you. Guess what your brain is gonna collect? Every forgotten text, every eye roll, every time you thought your boss gave a heavy sigh, every time he says he’ll handle it and he doesn’t handle it, your brain is gonna hand you that evidence like a m- loyal little assistant and say, “Here you go. Here’s some more proof, more proof, more proof.” And that time that he did show up, or the time where your boss was excited about your project, or the time where something went right, deleted or distorted. You’ll say like, “Well, he only did that ’cause his mother was visiting.” Right? So let’s say that you believe you’re too old to start over. Your brain is gonna start finding every article about how hard it is out there. Every friend who left and struggled is gonna show up in your newsfeed. Every story is gonna confirm it. And the woman who left at 58 and built something really beautiful, y- y- you won’t even notice that. It’ll scroll right by you. And it’s because your brain is working, not because you’re trying to avoid it or ignore it, or because you don’t want the other thing. It’s about belief. So let’s say that you always pick wrong. I hear people say this, that, “My picker is off,” over and over and over again. It’s not off. Your picker’s not off. Let’s say that you believe that if you leave, you’ll be alone forever. Let’s say you believe that you’re the one who has to hold everything together. Then the truth is your brain is gonna build you like a big mountain of evidence, and it’s gonna feel real. I always say this inside the Navigate Method. I say, like the trickiest beliefs of all are the ones that seem real, where you’re like, “Yeah, but that’s totally real.” And I have those too, where I’m like, “Yeah, but it’s true.” It’s gonna feel true. It’s not gonna feel like belief. It’s gonna, it’s gonna feel like truth, and that, that’s the trap. That’s the trap. A belief doesn’t feel like a belief from the inside. It feels like reality. It feels like, “Bessie, I’m not believing anything. I’m just seeing what’s out there. I’m just telling you what I see.” And I am telling you, I’m telling me, lovingly, that you are seeing what you are looking for. You’re seeing what you’re looking for. Your brain would rather be right than be happy. It wants the world to make sense. It wants, we call it the map to match the territory, that’s what it wants. And so it will keep proving your beliefs, even the ones that, that really hurt you, ’cause it doesn’t, doesn’t care. And so how do you actually find a belief that you can’t see? We do so much of this work inside the Navigate Method, ’cause it really creates your reality. It’s some of the work we’re gonna be doing at the retreat this January, if you’re coming to the retreat in Punta Cana. How do you find a belief that you can’t see? And you, a- and I’m gonna say it like this, but you can’t see it ’cause it, you think it’s reality. And that’s the real question, ’cause you can’t change a belief you, you don’t know that you have. And the most powerful ones are usually the ones that you can’t see. And so here are some of the places that I would have you look. So first, listen for your, your words, but like your, your certainty words. Saying things like always, never, everyone, no one, of course, obviously. Like, “He always does this,” “I never get what I want,” “Men like him don’t change,” “Of course it went wrong.” Like, those words, those kinds of words are like flashlights, you know? When you hear yourself say always or never, just stop and ask, “What do I believe here?” Okay. Number two is to look at, like, your, your, your evidence pile, let’s call it. Like, look, let’s look at your evidence pile, and then let’s go upstream. Like, let’s work backwards. So what do you keep noticing? , What are you keeping tabs on? What are you collecting? And if you keep seeing all the ways that you’re unappreciated, then your brain is answering a question. And so the question might be something like, “Show me that I don’t matter,” “Show me that he doesn’t care about this,” “Show me that this job isn’t right for me,” “Show me that I really should leave.” The evidence is gonna tell you what you’ve been asking for. And I know that one hurts a little bit, right? But, but stay, stay with me here, okay? Okay, number three. I want you to notice what you would argue about. The beliefs I find the most interesting are the ones where, , if I gently answered, or if I gently questioned, let me say it that way, if I gently question them, you would wanna fight me. I had this experience this weekend. I was talking to somebody, and I questioned what they said, and they were like, “No, that’s just how it is. That’s how it is.” The heat in that reaction is a clue. We don’t defend facts that hard. We defend beliefs. One of the best things that I have ever done for any relationship that I’m in, friendships, working relationships, anything, I’m open to being wrong. When I say I’m open to being wrong, but this is how I see this, instead of saying, “No, that’s just how it is,” because that shows the other person that I have some flexibility in there. Like, think about if you’re having a really courageous conversation with somebody, and they say, “Look, I’m open to being wrong, but this is what I see.” That’s good stuff, right? Okay. Number four. Watch what you do with surprise. So when someone shows up that doesn’t, , fit your picture, what do you do with it? Like, do you get curious? Do you explain it away? Do you say, like, “That was a fluke,” or, “He was just being nice. He was just being nice ’cause he wants something,” or, “She only said that to be polite.” , “My boss only complimented me ’cause her boss was around.” Discounting is one of the biggest tells I think there is. So if you are working hard to dismiss evidence, there is a belief that’s there that’s, like, standing like a guard. Okay. Number five. The fifth is I want you to finish some sentences. So just, like, out loud, so don’t think too hard, just I want you to just go with me, okay? So just, , what’s the next thing that comes out of your mouth or out of your brain when I say this. Okay, ready? Women like me at my age Marriage is If I leave If I stay I’m the kind of person who So whatever comes out fast, like before your people-pleasing brain, polite brain gets a chance to, catch it and change it, that’s the gold. That’s the belief talking. And you may have even noticed, like you thought something and then you kind of changed it after you initially thought it. , You felt the impulse for something else, but overwrote it. Maybe even overwrote it before you knew what the initial impulse was, like your brain has gotten so good at doing it. So you really, really want to be able to question yourself and look at what it is that you believe. Okay so here’s what I want you to really sit with this week, is I want you to ask yourself what have you been asking to be shown? What have you been asking to be shown? , I walked around and I thought, “Show me I am loved, show me I am loved, show me I am loved.” I’m not doing that all day. I will say I have my own things. But I promise you that you’re asking for something every morning, maybe not out loud, maybe not, with focus like that, not like a little mantra on a walk, but your mind is running a search. “Show me I can’t trust him. Show me I’m stuck. Show me this is too late. Show me I’d never be okay on my own.” And your brain is a very good search engine. It’s gonna find you the results you’re looking for. So if you don’t like what you keep finding, don’t start with the evidence. Start with the search. You wanna change the search. So I wanna be really clear about something, because I’m not minimizing w- what your struggle is. I have s- my own struggles, for sure. That’s why I’m, like, looking for love. , Show me I am loved, ’cause I don’t wanna focus on what I don’t want. I gotta focus on something else. I gotta ask the question that I want answered. So this is not about pretending. It’s not about, , slapping a happy thought on top of real problems and, you know, calling it a day. That’s not what I’m saying. If there is real harm happening, that is real, and I’m not asking you to m- you know, manifest your moon water your way out of it. , I’m not asking you to do that. But what I am, eh, but what I am asking is that you give your brain a new assignment, and that’s what I did with show me I am loved. I already knew there was tons of evidence that I’m loved. I just knew my brain wasn’t prioritizing it, and so I gave it the job. And here’s what I think the most powerful version of this for those of you who are in the middle of a decision about your marriage. And I say that, b- a career could be the same, but it, I’m gonna s- go with marriage simply ’cause of the Navigate method, and that’s the work that I do. The version of this for you is not show me he’s gonna change. It’s not. And it’s not show me if I should leave. ‘Cause both of those things, , rig the outcome, ’cause you’re gonna find whatever you ask for. I remember at one point, and actually looking back it was true, although it likely needed to be. But I remember at one point thinking, this was years before I, my marriage ended. I thought, “I know it’s gonna end because I want it to.” I had the belief that it would never change and never get any better. And it’s possible that that belief was true I tried a lot of things. We do a lot of experiments in the Navigate Method. I did all the experiments. And so I felt confident in that belief, but I remember knowing I’m not… It’s going to end because I believe this so truly, so fully, you know? So we don’t wanna ask questions that rig the outcome. We wanna, we wanna try something different. We wanna say, “Show me what is true Now, that’s a question that your brain can’t really cheat on. It has to widen the filter, right? It has to let back in the things that have been deleted, right? The kindness maybe that you’ve been explaining away, or the red flag even that you’ve been talking yourself out of. You know? Your, your, your own strength, which you’ve probably been deleting that for a long time. I find that so many times women, in my comments on Instagram, these aren’t the women that actually come onto a call with us to see if we can help them. Not at all. These women are, are at a l- layer away from that, and what they say to me is, “I’m s- I’m trapped. I don’t have any money. I have little kids. I don’t have a job. I don’t have family. This will never, ever … I’ll never be able to leave.” They’re so disempowered, and I get what they’re saying, and I’m not discounting it at all. Where they sit right now, that is likely true. What I’m saying is, “Show me, show me what’s true,” is how you get your map to start matching the territory again, and then you’re deciding about the rest of your life, and you, you deserve an accurate map, and that accurate map is one that says, “Show me what’s true.” Sh- I … Lots of times I’ll walk around and sh- say, “Show me what I’m missing,” because I have no doubt that they are in the place that they say they are. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I have no doubt that it feels scary and overwhelming and trapped and the … like there are no options. I bet that feels very much like reality, and it would likely take not only a big brain shift, but then remember everything physical starts internally. I can’t even reach out and touch my computer screen without first thinking it, right? So if they’re thinking what they’re telling me, then it makes total sense to me that that’s their reality. So, you know, h- here’s the practice to start shifting, and I say give yourself a lot of grace. If that’s where you are, give yourself a lot of grace, and you’re gonna wanna start asking totally different questions. Different questions are gonna change your whole life. I swear to you. I swear to you. Now- Next week, are those women gonna have new jobs and, uh, half a million dollars in the bank and feel totally secure to leave? No. No. But they’re gonna get to a place eventually where they feel secure enough to leave, if that’s what they, what’s the right thing for them. So here’s your practice. Every morning this week, I want you to pick one question. It could be like, “Show me I’m loved,” “Show me what’s possible,” “Show me what’s true.” And I want you to ask this over and over and over again. Ask it in the shower, in the car, on a walk. Uh, set a little alarm in your phone. Say it like a mantra if you want, okay? And then at night, this is, the, the important part. And if you get in bed and you’re like, “Oh my God, I’m already in bed and I forgot to do this,” just do it in your head. But it’s just important you make a list. I would love it if you wrote it down. I want you to write down three pieces of evidence, so three things that you noticed that answered your question. They could be teeny, tiny things. It could be, “I have, m- have, you know, $10 that I found in my coat pocket,” “I got a text from a friend, so I know I wouldn’t be alone,” “I ha- a stranger held the door open,” or a thought that felt good to you, or somebody you saw online that was doing it, and so it made you start to believe maybe it was possible. And I want you to keep your eye out for that sidewalk moment,, the thing that has been there all along that you suddenly see, ’cause it’s gonna show up. It might not be written out like, ’cause that was freaky. Might not be written out, but it’s gonna show up. You already know. Here’s what I believe about you and I can say this with a lot of certainty ’cause you’re here listening to this, but most of what you need to see is already in front of you. It’s on the walk that you take every day. It’s in the conversations that you’ve already had. Maybe it’s in something I’ve said over this past 30 minutes. It’s in the knowing that you have been deleting because it was too inconvenient or too scary to look at. So you don’t need new information as much as you need new questions. And if you want help seeing which beliefs are steering your decisions right now, that is exactly what we do inside the Navigate Method. So you can find out more on my website or book a call with us. Go to betsypake.com/letstalk. Ask to be shown, and then look down. See if it’s in the cement. And I think that, I think that is how you live a big life. All right. I love you guys so much. I will see you next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.