Why Boys Learn to Hide Their Pain : Dr Gloria Vanderhorst on Male Trauma, Emotions & Men’s Suicide

In this important episode of **Spiritual Infinity’s continuing series on male trauma and men’s emotional wellbeing**, I speak with psychologist **Dr Gloria Vanderhorst** about a question that reaches far beyond adulthood: **what are we teaching boys about their emotions from the moment they enter the world?** Our conversation begins with the concern at the heart of this series—the devastating consequences that can occur when men carry emotional pain without feeling able to express it or seek support. Dr Vanderhorst argues that the conditioning begins extraordinarily early. Through decades of working with boys and men, she has observed how normal male behaviour can be misunderstood from preschool onwards and how boys receive subtle—and sometimes explicit—messages that sadness, tears and vulnerability are somehow incompatible with masculinity. Boys learn: *don’t cry, toughen up, be strong*. Over time, these messages can teach them to disconnect from parts of their emotional lives rather than develop the vocabulary and confidence to express what they are experiencing. The consequences can follow a boy into manhood. Dr Vanderhorst describes adult men with profound emotional needs who may have close male friendships yet still feel unable to reveal what they are carrying. She gives the striking example of a grieving man who cannot cry publicly at a friend’s funeral but may finally allow himself to break down when alone in his car. She also recounts working with a man whose suppressed emotional tension manifested as severe physical pain despite doctors finding no underlying physical cause. This conversation also challenges women—mothers, wives, sisters, partners and caregivers—to examine the signals we may unintentionally give men. Dr Vanderhorst explains that creating emotional safety is essential. Instead of asking a distressed man a question that can easily produce the automatic response, *“I’m fine,”* she encourages invitations such as: **“I want to hear. I want to know. I care about you. Talk to me.”** At the centre of this discussion is a message we urgently need to hear: **men have feelings because men are human.** Allowing boys to cry, helping them develop an emotional vocabulary, creating safe relationships for men to disclose fear and sadness, and treating vulnerability as human rather than feminine may be part of changing the trajectory of male trauma. Dr Vanderhorst explicitly connects emotional suppression with concerns including male suicide, damaged relationships and men’s physical and emotional wellbeing. **Closing Reflection** Perhaps we have been asking men the wrong question. *“Are you okay?”* makes it very easy to say, *“Yes, I’m fine.”* But **“Talk to me. I know something is happening inside you. I want to hear how this has affected you”** opens a different door. If a boy learns from infancy that crying makes him weak, we should not be surprised when the man he becomes struggles to find words for sadness, fear, grief or emotional pain. And if we want men to speak before their suffering reaches crisis, then we must also be prepared to listen when they finally do. Dr Vanderhorst reminds us that creating this change requires conscious effort. We need to make it safe for men to talk about their fears without feeling diminished and to recognise that there is nothing inherently weak about a man crying or experiencing deep emotion. **Our boys should not have to surrender their emotional selves in order to become men.** Let us raise boys who know that strength and tenderness can coexist—and create a world in which the men they become know that their feelings deserve to be heard. **— Zenzi SewaahFounder & Spiritual Visionary, Spiritual Infinity** **Guest Bio & Contact Details** **Dr Gloria Vanderhorst** is a psychologist whose extensive professional work has included boys, men, couples and families. In this interview, she draws upon experience beginning with preschool-aged boys and extending into her therapeutic work with adult men and couples, with particular attention to emotional expression, relationships and the cultural conditioning surrounding masculinity. She also provides a free **feelings vocabulary sheet** through her website, designed to help people identify and name emotional states—something she uses therapeutically to help men expand their emotional vocabulary. **Website:** **www.drvanderhorst.com** **Books:** **GloriasBooks.com** Her books mentioned during the interview include: **Read, Reflect, Respond: The Three R’s of Growth and Change** **Return, Revisit, Renew: The Three R’s of Deeper Discovery** Get full access to Zenzi’s Substack at zenzisewaah.substack.com/subscribe