The Covert Contract Behind Every Nice Guy

I hate people pleasing nice guys. And most of my clients are people pleasing nice guys, and I deeply love them. So what's the difference between the nice guy who makes me want to scream and the one I'll do anything to help? In this episode I tell you about the man who stopped me at an event, looked deep into my eyes and told me "you are so worthy," and why everything in me wanted to run. We get into what Robert Glover calls covert contracts: the deals you make without saying them out loud. I'll be helpful, I'll never cause trouble, and in return you'll love me and meet my needs. Nobody signed your contract. So nobody pays up, and you end up resentful and lonely. I also get honest about why people pleasers activate me so much (it's my mom), where this pattern comes from, and what recovery actually looks like. Two things you can try this week, plus the gold medal answer every people pleaser needs to learn. If any of my questions made your stomach drop, I'm probably talking to you. ✦ BOOK AN INITIATION SESSION If you're tired of losing yourself and you're ready to meet your pattern, come work with me. I see people virtually and in person. → https://www.soulkink.com/services/ ✦ BE A GUEST ON SOUL KINK THERAPY Kinky and curious? A practitioner in this world? A partner trying to understand your partner's kink? I want to hear from you. Only full, grounded yeses. → https://www.soulkink.com/podcast 📖 Mentioned in this episode No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover (2003) ⏱ CHAPTERS 00:00 I hate people pleasing nice guys 00:45 Choice vs. fear: same behavior, different engine 01:30 People pleasing vs. the nice guy 02:31 Are you a people pleaser? Notice your body 04:07 The man who told me "you are so worthy" 07:14 Covert contracts (No More Mr. Nice Guy) 08:45 You're taking away other people's agency 10:16 It hurts you more than anyone 11:28 Why people pleasing is so lonely 12:13 We don't see a wound, we see a gentleman 13:14 Why people pleasers activate me 14:35 My mom is a people pleaser 17:21 Where the pattern comes from 18:08 You were a genius surviving your childhood 18:52 What recovery actually looks like 20:05 You made a mistake. You are not the mistake. 20:57 How to apologize without collapsing 22:20 Happy wife, happy life 23:22 Try this week #1: pause before you say yes 25:03 Try this week #2: shape your yes 26:07 The gold medal answer 27:47 Why my client list is full of nice guys 30:41 Where to start 32:35 Next episode: people pleasing and submissive men 33:06 Be a guest on the show