028: The Sex Clock: How Keeping Score Is Killing Your Desire with Dr. Lori Davis

What happens when one person wants sex more than the other? Mismatched desire is one of the most common struggles couples face, but the problem may not actually be how often you're having sex. It may be what happens when desire, rejection, pressure, fear, and keeping score start taking over the relationship. In this episode of SIP with Summers, Jennifer sits down with Dr. Lori Davis, a board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor who specializes in mismatched desire and brings together the medical, somatic, and relational sides of sexual health. We talk about the “sex clock,” that invisible countdown that starts after you have sex: How long has it been? When are we doing it again? Is my partner going to initiate? Are we becoming a sexless couple? And once that clock starts ticking, both partners can feel it. Dr. Lori explains why the lower-desire partner can begin to experience sex as pressure or obligation, while the higher-desire partner may experience rejection, anxiety, urgency, or fear about what a lack of sex means for the relationship. We also get into: • Why mismatched desire is normal, and why it causes so much suffering for some couples • What people misunderstand about “high” and “low” desire • Why pressure usually creates the opposite of desire • How your nervous system can affect your ability to access pleasure • The difference between feeling safe and feeling regulated • Why your automatic “ugh, not tonight” response might be worth getting curious about • How to talk about sex without having the conversation in the bedroom • What happens when women are the higher-desire partner • Why there is no magic number for how often couples “should” have sex • Betty Martin's Wheel of Consent and the surprisingly powerful Three Minute Game • How asking “How would you like me to touch you right now?” can completely change the conversation • How couples can stop treating each other as the problem and start working together against the dynamic And yes, we also discuss why a really good back scratch might deserve to be considered practically orgasmic. If your sex life has started feeling like pressure, rejection, obligation, or another thing you need to manage, this conversation is an invitation to stop keeping score and start getting curious. Your desire isn't a performance review. Your partner isn't the enemy. And intimacy is about a whole lot more than how many times you've had sex this month. 🎙️ Guest: Dr. Lori Davis Board-Certified Family Nurse Practitioner + AASECT Certified Sex Counselor Website: https://dr-loridavis.com/coaching Go here to learn more about how to work with Dr. Lori around sex and intimacy, and book a free one on one consult. 💋 Connect with Jennifer: SummersofLove.com @theselfmadediva If this episode made you think of your partner, send it to them. Sometimes sharing a podcast is a whole lot easier than starting with, “We need to talk about our sex life.”