How to build a secure attachment with yourself: The connection between self-worth and parenting with Dr. Marisa G. Franco

You talk a lot about this idea of like secure-ish.

Yeah.

Can you explain a little bit about what that means and why... why that impacts this sense of self?

Yeah.

So, you know, obviously we are nerds who love attachment theory.

Um, but I think recently in the zeitgeist, I've seen a lot of influencers who were like, if you're anxious about them responding to your texts, you should just act like a secure person and not be anxious.

And what I think this is leading to sometimes is like, not only do I feel anxious, now I feel ashamed of being anxious.

And it's leading to us reenacting on ourselves the same criticism, shame, neglect that has made us insecure in the first place.

And so I wrote Worth to say, it's okay to be anxious.

It's okay to be avoidant.

The first place we have to start from is the ability to tell the truth because we can only heal the parts of ourselves we're willing to acknowledge.

And I think sometimes when we see ourselves as completely secure, even though We know that attachment can change in different relationships, different times in our lives.

But sometimes when we feel the need to be so secure, when we feel anxious, when we feel threatened, we try to push that part away so that we can live up to this label or this identity.

And in fact, that can make us more insecure.

I argue in worth that we need to let our insecurities come to the surface so we can show them compassion and care what they didn't receive that, you know, that ended up making them insecure in the first place.

We give them the opposite of that.

Yes.

I think that's also a really helpful distinction because I think a lot of people understandably confuse the idea of insecure attachment, like the patterns in which we like anticipate and engage with others, um, that that's the equivalent of an emotional

experience, like to

feel insecure, to feel anxious, even to feel secure.

Those are like emotional States.

They're not necessarily like indicative of our, of our attachment patterns in the same way.

I mean, they could inform them like we were saying before, like they've comes as biodegradable feedback loop, but, um, But I think what I'm hearing you say is it's really important to remember that actually being a secure person also means we are, we have a, there's a flexibility and like a, you know, emotion and aliveness to that security, which means at times we are going to feel different feelings, sometimes anxious, sometimes we want to avoid, sometimes we feel super secure.

Sometimes we feel super insecure, but those emotional states don't necessarily change our sense of self and our sense of our relation to other.

Mm-hmm.

You talk a lot about this idea of like secure-ish.

Yeah.

Can you explain a little bit about what that means and why... why that impacts this sense of self?

Yeah.

So, you know, obviously we are nerds who love attachment theory.

Um, but I think recently in the zeitgeist, I've seen a lot of influencers who were like, if you're anxious about them responding to your texts, you should just act like a secure person and not be anxious.

And what I think this is leading to sometimes is like, not only do I feel anxious, now I feel ashamed of being anxious.

And it's leading to us reenacting on ourselves the same criticism, shame, neglect that has made us insecure in the first place.

And so I wrote Worth to say, it's okay to be anxious.

It's okay to be avoidant.

The first place we have to start from is the ability to tell the truth because we can only heal the parts of ourselves we're willing to acknowledge.

And I think sometimes when we see ourselves as completely secure, even though We know that attachment can change in different relationships, different times in our lives.

But sometimes when we feel the need to be so secure, when we feel anxious, when we feel threatened, we try to push that part away so that we can live up to this label or this identity.

And in fact, that can make us more insecure.

I argue in worth that we need to let our insecurities come to the surface so we can show them compassion and care what they didn't receive that, you know, that ended up making them insecure in the first place.

We give them the opposite of that.

Yes.

I think that's also a really helpful distinction because I think a lot of people understandably confuse the idea of insecure attachment, like the patterns in which we like anticipate and engage with others, um, that that's the equivalent of an emotional

experience, like to

feel insecure, to feel anxious, even to feel secure.

Those are like emotional States.

They're not necessarily like indicative of our, of our attachment patterns in the same way.

I mean, they could inform them like we were saying before, like they've comes as biodegradable feedback loop, but, um, But I think what I'm hearing you say is it's really important to remember that actually being a secure person also means we are, we have a, there's a flexibility and like a, you know, emotion and aliveness to that security, which means at times we are going to feel different feelings, sometimes anxious, sometimes we want to avoid, sometimes we feel super secure.

Sometimes we feel super insecure, but those emotional states don't necessarily change our sense of self and our sense of our relation to other.

Mm-hmm.