Jun 8, 2026 · 26 min · 10 segments
In this episode of Robot Unicorn, Jess dives deep into the often misunderstood topic of supporting shy children. Listeners will learn the three main reasons children exhibit shyness and walk away with…
And so her having that conversation with me actually made me think, "Okay, before I talk about this on the show today, I need to make sure that we are clear on what our definition of being shy is." So I like to think of shy also as a bit slow to warm, okay? So this is another...
I think it's Alicia Lieberman, who's a great psychologist who talks a lot about temperament, who first introduced me to this concept of slow to warm.
And being slow to warm is exactly as it sounds, right? It takes a little bit for us to warm up, to feel comfortable being our truest self around someone else.
And I think it's also Dr. Gordon Neufeld who says, "Being shy means I'm reserving my truest self for my safest people." I think that's a quote from him.
And when we think of shy in that way, and what my daughter's saying, where, like, she's gotta hold tight onto me for a moment until I can show her, you know, "Okay, no, actually you're safe.
And I think so many of us grew up thinking that just because we weren't super extroverted or able to just, like, you know, pick up and start playing with a random new friend on the playground like maybe your sibling was, that there was something innately wrong with you for that, or there's something wrong with your child because they cling to you just a little extra long before they feel comfortable going and playing with their cousins or talking to grandma.
But when we can see it for what it is, as a child who's just a little bit slower to warm up, who will get there when they feel safe, and who's just reserving the truest version of themselves for when they feel the most safe, we totally reframe it.
Because isn't it wise to wait till you feel safe, until you trust someone, to show them the most vulnerable and truest parts of yourself? So just, I mean, episode over.
[laughs] But I think just to start this episode on that mindset shift, I think will really help you.
Because a lot of parents who I talk to are worried that their children are shy, right? They're worried because the world can be a bit harder for shy kids.
You know, our extroverted kids, they can go out, they can talk to anyone, they feel comfortable.
It appears that they're more confident and that they trust themselves as they go out and talk to everybody.
And our shy kids who cling onto us and hold onto us, it can feel like, oh, is it a confidence issue? Are they gonna have troubles making friends? All of these things.
And so I want to assure you that for the most part, and we'll talk about some reasons where it is confidence, but for a lot of the time, being shy is actually not an issue of confidence.
It's very confident to say, "I would rather wait till I feel ready, and I'm gonna sit next to my parent until I feel ready to venture forth and go out and play with people." That there's actually a confidence to that.
It's more about taking time to trust people and to feel comfortable with them before you feel safe to show your truest colors.Which is okay.
So there's ways that we can help our shy kids, and there's things that we need to understand about them, and we're gonna dive into all of that on today's show.
And so her having that conversation with me actually made me think, "Okay, before I talk about this on the show today, I need to make sure that we are clear on what our definition of being shy is." So I like to think of shy also as a bit slow to warm, okay? So this is another...
I think it's Alicia Lieberman, who's a great psychologist who talks a lot about temperament, who first introduced me to this concept of slow to warm.
And being slow to warm is exactly as it sounds, right? It takes a little bit for us to warm up, to feel comfortable being our truest self around someone else.
And I think it's also Dr. Gordon Neufeld who says, "Being shy means I'm reserving my truest self for my safest people." I think that's a quote from him.
And when we think of shy in that way, and what my daughter's saying, where, like, she's gotta hold tight onto me for a moment until I can show her, you know, "Okay, no, actually you're safe.
And I think so many of us grew up thinking that just because we weren't super extroverted or able to just, like, you know, pick up and start playing with a random new friend on the playground like maybe your sibling was, that there was something innately wrong with you for that, or there's something wrong with your child because they cling to you just a little extra long before they feel comfortable going and playing with their cousins or talking to grandma.
But when we can see it for what it is, as a child who's just a little bit slower to warm up, who will get there when they feel safe, and who's just reserving the truest version of themselves for when they feel the most safe, we totally reframe it.
Because isn't it wise to wait till you feel safe, until you trust someone, to show them the most vulnerable and truest parts of yourself? So just, I mean, episode over.
[laughs] But I think just to start this episode on that mindset shift, I think will really help you.
Because a lot of parents who I talk to are worried that their children are shy, right? They're worried because the world can be a bit harder for shy kids.
You know, our extroverted kids, they can go out, they can talk to anyone, they feel comfortable.
It appears that they're more confident and that they trust themselves as they go out and talk to everybody.
And our shy kids who cling onto us and hold onto us, it can feel like, oh, is it a confidence issue? Are they gonna have troubles making friends? All of these things.
And so I want to assure you that for the most part, and we'll talk about some reasons where it is confidence, but for a lot of the time, being shy is actually not an issue of confidence.
It's very confident to say, "I would rather wait till I feel ready, and I'm gonna sit next to my parent until I feel ready to venture forth and go out and play with people." That there's actually a confidence to that.
It's more about taking time to trust people and to feel comfortable with them before you feel safe to show your truest colors.Which is okay.
So there's ways that we can help our shy kids, and there's things that we need to understand about them, and we're gonna dive into all of that on today's show.
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