DATING CURSES

So please send in your feedback you can comment on the instagram post for this episode or you can email me at queerloveco at gmail.com in fact you can also email me you can send in any dating woes that you would like to have advice on the podcast um or you can use the anonymous form which is where this episode's first question comes from they sent in a voice note but they asked for it not to be played on the podcast so i'm gonna read it out okay hey kim i thought i would submit this i guess it's a call for advice so i've been thinking recently about my dating history relationship history And I sincerely feel that quite often if I'm with someone and they break up, the person they're with after me, they end up staying with either for good or for years and years.

And I don't know if there is a word for it when you're always the penultimate person for someone.

and it's hard not to think is it me is it something I'm doing I was talking about this with someone the other day and they said it just shows all the hard work I put in to make them feel to commit to someone I don't know I just think what's up with that I genuinely think I'm cursed why what's wrong with me Okay, first off, there is nothing wrong with you and I don't believe that you are cursed but I'm going to consider your question the way that you've posed it anyway and can we all take a moment to empathise with what is actually being said here? Seeing the people that you've dated and been close to and thought of a future with, tending to move on to people they stay with, even if you knew the relationship had to end with that person this is really hard not to take personally I completely understand this feeling of being cursed or doomed to date someone only to set them up ready for the one that feeling of inevitability when it ends and they end up with someone else And there are lots of reasons for this pattern.

Could be a different thing for each person, could be the same thing for each person.

And honestly, the reason doesn't really matter, which I'll get to in a minute, but let's explore some reasons that this could be happening.

Ending a longer term relationship is a big decision and normally only happens after some self-interrogation and normally leads into that person who's done the breakup reassessing what they want from life.

And doing this will put a person into a great position to find a relationship that will last.

So often the kind of inner shift that causes or follows a breakup facilitates finding a better suited partner that you'll be with for longer.

Sometimes people end a relationship citing a need for inner work, but actually they've already moved on to someone else and they're not being completely honest.

And when a connection starts with infidelity, even emotional infidelity, or even just realizing you fancy someone else way more than your current partner, that creates such a buzz, such a contrast that it can really carry a relationship through early bumps and it could last longer than it would have done otherwise.

And as an ex once told me, oh no, our relationship was really important to me.

It showed me what I didn't want.

Ouch.

But I see that when a relationship is otherwise lovely, good communication, sweet to each other, et cetera, et cetera, the things that are missing from it can become very clear to the person that isn't happy in it.

And it can clarify what would work better for them.

Meaning the next relationship they're in is more likely to last.

Okay.

But so why do all of these reasons not really matter? Well, because I know you, and even if I didn't, I know people, and we love to search for patterns.

We love to search for meaning and symbolism, and because I know you, I know that while yes, a few exes have done this, not all of them have, and you're extrapolating out from a pattern you've noticed into a damning prophecy.

And fair enough, it really sucks.

It feels like a slap in the face when you notice a pattern like this.

But I'm wondering why a damning prophecy is something preferable for your mind to be occupied with.

Does it maybe feel safer to be cursed in this way? Is there something about a relationship that lasts, that scares you? Were those relationships all ones you really wanted to continue? Why did they end, each of them? Would you rather have continued them than been single and search for something else? I can only guess your answer, but here is my advice.

Journal, write, make some art based on those questions I've asked, and I'll ask them again now.

Why is a damning prophecy something preferable to be occupied with? Does it maybe feel safer to be cursed in this way? Is there something about a long-lasting relationship that scares you? Were those relationships all ones you wanted to continue? Why did they end, each of them? Would you rather have continued them than been single and searched for something else? And I encourage you to get dramatic with it.