Aug 26, 2026 · 1 hr 3 min · 9 segments
PANDAS helpline: 1300 726 306 Centre of Perinatal Excellence: https://www.cope.org.au/ BeyondPP Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/473249929541274/ Ariane's memoir "Because I'm Not…
Ariane BeestonGuest
Mia FindlayHost
When you're experiencing those hallucinations, the delusions, you're aware of your thoughts, you're aware of what you're seeing.
Did psychosis take away that sort of ability to observe yourself, to be able to step away and look at, this is my stream of thoughts, these are my feelings, this is what I'm observing, and I can sort of assess that? Or does it feel like you're so in it, and it's, it's as real as me picking up this cup? Because I think that's what so many people don't understand.
With my own personal experience with psychosis, when I would say, for me, I would hallucinate a man in the kitchen-
... were you able to say that, "I'm hallucinating this man," or was it, there is a man that-
I'm, I'm gay, and my mum's divorced, and I was staying with her, and I was like, "Who brought the man home?" [laughs]
"Who's responsible for the strange man in the house?" And so my initial reaction would be, that looks as real to me as the cup.
So the fear I would experience, the hypervigilance, the anxiety, and then I would have the second thought of, I, th- there's no explanation for the man being in there.
But it's almost also not being able to reckon with the second option of him not being real is scarier than if there is just a man in the kitchen.
Exactly how I would describe it, and, um, it's still something, and I, and I feel like y- you can probably relate to this.
It's still something, you feel like you're almost tying yourself in knots trying to explain the experience because...
And, and my psychiatrist once said, when I was I think trying to stumble o- over trying to explain it, she said, "You are trying to make sense out of what doesn't make sense." And it almost gave me permission to go, that's okay.
This is something that I'm probably going to be cons- forever trying to make sense of.
When you're experiencing those hallucinations, the delusions, you're aware of your thoughts, you're aware of what you're seeing.
Did psychosis take away that sort of ability to observe yourself, to be able to step away and look at, this is my stream of thoughts, these are my feelings, this is what I'm observing, and I can sort of assess that? Or does it feel like you're so in it, and it's, it's as real as me picking up this cup? Because I think that's what so many people don't understand.
With my own personal experience with psychosis, when I would say, for me, I would hallucinate a man in the kitchen-
... were you able to say that, "I'm hallucinating this man," or was it, there is a man that-
I'm, I'm gay, and my mum's divorced, and I was staying with her, and I was like, "Who brought the man home?" [laughs]
"Who's responsible for the strange man in the house?" And so my initial reaction would be, that looks as real to me as the cup.
So the fear I would experience, the hypervigilance, the anxiety, and then I would have the second thought of, I, th- there's no explanation for the man being in there.
But it's almost also not being able to reckon with the second option of him not being real is scarier than if there is just a man in the kitchen.
Exactly how I would describe it, and, um, it's still something, and I, and I feel like y- you can probably relate to this.
It's still something, you feel like you're almost tying yourself in knots trying to explain the experience because...
And, and my psychiatrist once said, when I was I think trying to stumble o- over trying to explain it, she said, "You are trying to make sense out of what doesn't make sense." And it almost gave me permission to go, that's okay.
This is something that I'm probably going to be cons- forever trying to make sense of.
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