“I Was Able to Take Something So Traumatic And Turn It Into Something Beautiful.”

Yeah, no, that makes total sense.

And I think you bring up an interesting perspective when you talked about having to... treat a patient on scene even when there's like a known body on the scene, right? Like, we're used to seeing dead bodies.

Does it make it easier? No, it doesn't make it easier.

I still look at bodies and I'm checking for breathing.

Even though this person has been pronounced, I'm still looking at their chest to see if there's rise and fall, you know, trying to convince myself that that's not normal.

But it is almost like...

this noise, right? While you're making sure that this other person is okay and you're probably going to be transporting them, right? But that noise is just sitting there.

Like this person's there, there's nothing I can do for them.

I have to leave them there.

Like this sucks.

I think that's the hard part too is realizing that there are moments where we can't do anything.

As much as we wish so badly that we could, It's one of those things that you have to remind yourself.

You know what I mean? Like, oh, I did all I can or there's nothing else I can do.

But I will tell you, I struggle with that even to this day.

I feel like that's a struggle that a lot of people face is we run these calls and we're running on these really sick patients.

They don't make it.

And you beat yourself up.

And then you start running through the call.

Okay, could I have done this differently? Could I have done this differently? Would this have changed the outcome? And it's really hard.

But we also have to remind ourselves that like, we don't have superpowers.

We don't, we don't, we don't go out there and it's like, we, here you go.

Yes, I did.

I did it.

You're, you know what I mean? Like it's, It's life.

Not everything works out the way that we want it to, even though we so badly wish it could.