How to Tell Your Manager They're the Problem (And Survive)

Last week, my newest client Coco started our first coaching session with an all too familiar complaint.

John, I need your help to navigate a toxic manager.

She's draining my mental health and I'm finding it hard to sleep.

Okay, I thought to myself, which way are we going this time? Manage up better or plan an exit from the team? I opened my mouth, but Coco followed up.

I want to know how I can give her feedback.

She needs to know how much damage she's causing our team.

Uh-oh, Houston, we have a problem.

How do you give upward feedback without risking your career? I won't pretend I have the single right answer, but having managed and been managed throughout my own career, I'm going to share what has and hasn't worked for me.

We've all heard the classic advice.

Feedback is a gift.

The quiet part after that is me.

So open up, take it and say thank you.

But we've all experienced times where feedback did not feel like a gift at all, right? And that's because high EQ feedback, the kind intended to help instead of hurt, requires care.

So deliver feedback as you would like to receive it, wrapped.

So here are three steps to criticizing your boss without pissing them off.

Connect, create shared reality, improve reality together.

One, connect before you correct.

Start by asking permission.

Feedback that wasn't asked for feels like an ambush.

Feedback that they welcomed feels like a conversation.

Thank you for having me.

I know when someone is haunting your sleep, this feels impossible, but she probably isn't waking up each morning planning your misery.

More likely, she's under pressure you can't see, coping badly, and blind to the wreckage she's leaving behind her.

You don't have to excuse the behavior.

You just have to walk in believing she'd rather be better than worse.