Jun 1, 2026 · 28 min · 12 segments
Feeling disconnected in marriage can make you want to hold on tighter, work harder, explain more, and desperately try to fix things. The hard part is that sometimes the very things we do to create…
Lindsay CavanaghHost
So I'm gonna give you some things that I don't do anymore as an anxiously attached mom married to a dismissive avoidant spouse that has actually made us significantly more connected.
And if you need some background on what these attachment styles are and, like, how they play out and all of that, I have very specific podcast episode dedicated just to this.
So you know that my spouse and I struggled to feel connected after we had kids.
Like, we weren't on the same page at all, and it seemed that anything that I tried to do to fix it only made it worse.
Here are a few of those things that I just don't do anymore that has really helped us.
So first, I don't attempt to have conversations with my spouse until my emotion level is low.
Even if it's about something really important that I need from him or something that I'm really upset about, or even something that is on a time crunch, I still just don't do it.
If I felt upset about something, I went to him immediately with all the emotion that I had.
And the less connected I felt and the more that I felt he was hurting me, the more, like, desperate and resentful and frustrated I would become, which would trigger all of those fears associated with my anxious attachment style that I would truly never be loved by him in the way that I needed itAnd I became desperate for reassurance from him.
I'm begging you." And the more upset and the more frustrated that I got with this, like, the bigger that that got.
And I felt that if he saw my emotions, right, or my tears, or if I explained it again and again, or in this different way, or gave more examples, like, he would finally get it.
He would finally understand how serious I was and how much I needed it, and things would actually change.
Sometimes it even did seem like he would take me more seriously when I had the emotion, but it never actually worked, and it never actually changed things long term.
And the reason that is is because my spouse, having his dismissive avoidant attachment style that he does, he was just so uncomfortable with my emotion, and he will say this to me now.
Like, "I'm really uncomfortable with your emotion, and I don't know what to do." He didn't say this back then.
So I'm gonna give you some things that I don't do anymore as an anxiously attached mom married to a dismissive avoidant spouse that has actually made us significantly more connected.
And if you need some background on what these attachment styles are and, like, how they play out and all of that, I have very specific podcast episode dedicated just to this.
So you know that my spouse and I struggled to feel connected after we had kids.
Like, we weren't on the same page at all, and it seemed that anything that I tried to do to fix it only made it worse.
Here are a few of those things that I just don't do anymore that has really helped us.
So first, I don't attempt to have conversations with my spouse until my emotion level is low.
Even if it's about something really important that I need from him or something that I'm really upset about, or even something that is on a time crunch, I still just don't do it.
If I felt upset about something, I went to him immediately with all the emotion that I had.
And the less connected I felt and the more that I felt he was hurting me, the more, like, desperate and resentful and frustrated I would become, which would trigger all of those fears associated with my anxious attachment style that I would truly never be loved by him in the way that I needed itAnd I became desperate for reassurance from him.
I'm begging you." And the more upset and the more frustrated that I got with this, like, the bigger that that got.
And I felt that if he saw my emotions, right, or my tears, or if I explained it again and again, or in this different way, or gave more examples, like, he would finally get it.
He would finally understand how serious I was and how much I needed it, and things would actually change.
Sometimes it even did seem like he would take me more seriously when I had the emotion, but it never actually worked, and it never actually changed things long term.
And the reason that is is because my spouse, having his dismissive avoidant attachment style that he does, he was just so uncomfortable with my emotion, and he will say this to me now.
Like, "I'm really uncomfortable with your emotion, and I don't know what to do." He didn't say this back then.
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