Sep 26, 2026 · 20 min · 7 segments
Why is it so easy to replay an awkward conversation for hours — but so hard to stay with a lovely moment for more than a few seconds? In this lighter episode of *Just a Minute*, Dr Kumari explores…
Kumari ValentineHost
So let's go back to the example I was talking about where your mind might occupy itself with something really negative.
And it is very well rehearsed at doing this and it knows how to linger, how to really use the time that it has and more.
In contrast, when it is something lovely, like a beautiful cup of coffee, 12 seconds is more than enough.
and that kind of toxic positivity that is about just suppressing the negative, invalidating that.
If you listen to my earlier podcast episodes, you'll know that I think that that emotional invalidation, including the invalidation we might do to ourselves, is part of what feeds the rumination cycle.
So we have spent quite a bit of time talking about why our minds get stuck on things, why we replay conversations, why we keep returning to problems that don't seem to have solutions or the type of solutions we are trying to get at.
What if the problem isn't only that we spend too long with those difficult things, those unsolvable things? What if we don't spend long enough with the good things, the lighter things? Psychologists have a word for deliberately staying with positive experiences.
We're uncertain about what somebody meant and our mind keeps returning to it.
Why did that happen? What does it mean? Especially what does it mean about me? Could I have done something differently? What if? And one of the things I often say is that when we're ruminating, when we're overthinking, you know, our mind is trying to solve a problem.
It is trying to understand something, perhaps prevent something bad happening in future, make sense of something in order to serve us.
The problem, as you may have already seen, is that there isn't an answer available or that question itself was setting us up for going around in a loop and feeling worse.
So let's go back to the example I was talking about where your mind might occupy itself with something really negative.
And it is very well rehearsed at doing this and it knows how to linger, how to really use the time that it has and more.
In contrast, when it is something lovely, like a beautiful cup of coffee, 12 seconds is more than enough.
and that kind of toxic positivity that is about just suppressing the negative, invalidating that.
If you listen to my earlier podcast episodes, you'll know that I think that that emotional invalidation, including the invalidation we might do to ourselves, is part of what feeds the rumination cycle.
So we have spent quite a bit of time talking about why our minds get stuck on things, why we replay conversations, why we keep returning to problems that don't seem to have solutions or the type of solutions we are trying to get at.
What if the problem isn't only that we spend too long with those difficult things, those unsolvable things? What if we don't spend long enough with the good things, the lighter things? Psychologists have a word for deliberately staying with positive experiences.
We're uncertain about what somebody meant and our mind keeps returning to it.
Why did that happen? What does it mean? Especially what does it mean about me? Could I have done something differently? What if? And one of the things I often say is that when we're ruminating, when we're overthinking, you know, our mind is trying to solve a problem.
It is trying to understand something, perhaps prevent something bad happening in future, make sense of something in order to serve us.
The problem, as you may have already seen, is that there isn't an answer available or that question itself was setting us up for going around in a loop and feeling worse.
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