It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People
May 21, 2026 · 36 min · 12 segments
When someone in a high conflict situation gets upset, the instinct is to explain, correct, or reason with them — and that almost always makes things worse. The reason isn't a mystery anymore: it's…
Megan HunterHost
But when you validate, when you accurately recognize and reflect their feelings, you actually help quiet that threat response and activate a part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions.
So today, we're connecting the dots between what we teach at High Conflict Institute, what Bill developed over twenty years ago, and what the research is showing today, how EAR statements function as a fast, practical way to calm emotional reactivity, reduce defensiveness, and create just enough stability for real problem-solving to begin.
This was an article in Psychology Today called "Circles of Enhancement," and it had a lot to do with our social circles and our close friendships and relationships and what works and why we need them.
Well, the, uh, March/April issue of Psychology Today, which I get because I've written about a hundred blogs for Psychology Today, it just had a fascinating article reinforcing that having friends give you statements that show empathy, attention, and respect, that even though I developed that method in two thousand four, here's what it said: "Neuroimaging studies that show acknowledging our feelings limits activation of the amygdala," which, let me just mention, right underneath the corpus callosum here, right in there, about the size of a pecan nut.
But what it says is, "Quieting the amygdala's response to negative input, recognizing feelings also activates the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex, the brain region that regulates emotional responses and calms distress." So I actually looked it up, you'll be proud of me, Megan, to find where this is, and it's right over around here on the prefrontal cortex of the right hemisphere, which we're kind of looking at this way, but this is also the outside of it.
So what we've been teaching, one of the things that I refer to in our New Ways for Families online class and sometimes in the counseling method, is that managing your own distress is the second most important parenting skill.
They looked at about ten thousand parenting skills and found the first is, of course, unconditional love and affection for your child.
One is you're keeping yourself open and available emotionally to your child, but you're also teaching your child that stress can be managed.
And so the earlier in life that people learn this, the more their brain gets used to how to self-manage.
But when you validate, when you accurately recognize and reflect their feelings, you actually help quiet that threat response and activate a part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions.
So today, we're connecting the dots between what we teach at High Conflict Institute, what Bill developed over twenty years ago, and what the research is showing today, how EAR statements function as a fast, practical way to calm emotional reactivity, reduce defensiveness, and create just enough stability for real problem-solving to begin.
This was an article in Psychology Today called "Circles of Enhancement," and it had a lot to do with our social circles and our close friendships and relationships and what works and why we need them.
Well, the, uh, March/April issue of Psychology Today, which I get because I've written about a hundred blogs for Psychology Today, it just had a fascinating article reinforcing that having friends give you statements that show empathy, attention, and respect, that even though I developed that method in two thousand four, here's what it said: "Neuroimaging studies that show acknowledging our feelings limits activation of the amygdala," which, let me just mention, right underneath the corpus callosum here, right in there, about the size of a pecan nut.
But what it says is, "Quieting the amygdala's response to negative input, recognizing feelings also activates the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex, the brain region that regulates emotional responses and calms distress." So I actually looked it up, you'll be proud of me, Megan, to find where this is, and it's right over around here on the prefrontal cortex of the right hemisphere, which we're kind of looking at this way, but this is also the outside of it.
So what we've been teaching, one of the things that I refer to in our New Ways for Families online class and sometimes in the counseling method, is that managing your own distress is the second most important parenting skill.
They looked at about ten thousand parenting skills and found the first is, of course, unconditional love and affection for your child.
One is you're keeping yourself open and available emotionally to your child, but you're also teaching your child that stress can be managed.
And so the earlier in life that people learn this, the more their brain gets used to how to self-manage.
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