Oct 7, 2026 · 25 min · 9 segments
"Narcissist" might be one of the most overused words online right now, thrown at exes, bosses, and parents alike. But narcissism isn't a light switch; it's a spectrum, from healthy self-regard all the…
Mislabeling doesn't just hurt the person you're talk about- talking about, but it actually makes a relationship unworkable.
When we have it in our minds that this other person is being difficult and they're being narcissistic, okay, it actually almost [laughs] relieves us of the responsibility of our side in the relationship.
And then on the other side, when people are actually in relationship with legitimate narcissists, it diminishes the impact that these people actually have on relationships, okay? Because when we actually come across true narcissism in our life or in relationships, the effects are actually pretty signif- significant, and we never want to diminish someone else's experience of having to do relationship with an actual narcissistic person, okay? So when we're talking today, what I want you to understand too is you're gonna hear a lot of things in this podcast, and you're gonna be like, "Oh, my mom.
He's definitely, he's definitely falling in these categories." What I want you to remember is this is not a checklist for the people in your life, all right? When we think about narcissism, it's a spectrum, okay? This is not something where we can just have this nice little checklist and go, "Okay, check.
It's a lot more nuanced than that, all right? When we think about narcissism as well, w- we can all have parts of that, um, when we h- when we actually, like, have normal self-regard.
When we have confidence about ourself, um, when we have ambition, everybody needs a little bit of that, right? Because when we think about the word narcissism, a lot of us think about anybody that thinks about themself too much, okay? [laughs] Well, we have to think about ourselves sometimes, right? One of the things that showed up for me the other day when I was reading this book is when we think about the two extremes, right? Like self-absorption and self-abandonment.
Both actually still revolve around the self, okay? And so when we think about narcissistic traits, there are a lot of them that actually start with the self, okay? Some of these characteristics might involve seeking validation.
When I have a client or even myself, okay, when I was struggling with seeking approval, okay, or seeking validation outside of myself, these technically might fall under the narcissistic category.
Okay? But when we look at it in actuality, what I was really trying to heal was a wound that I, that I had from childhood.
Okay? And so once I did that, that characteristic or that trait actually started to dissipate, and it wasn't there as much anymore.
Okay? So when we're thinking about narcissistic traits, a lot of us have them, okay? And we'll talk about those as we go along, but you might recognize some of these things in yourself, and it doesn't necessarily mean that you have narcissistic personality disorder.
I remember when I was first learning about personality disorders, um, when I was around 25 years old, and I pretty much checked every box.
Okay? And so what we wanna be careful with is that, number one, we're not diagnosing ourselves.
And to be aware that a lot of times trauma responses can look like personality disorders, all right? And that's our goal today is to talk about when it's a trauma response, okay, which it can be, and when are we actually looking at something that we actually might wanna question, okay? When we think about a diagnosis, a lot of times it's usually pretty pervasive.
We don't get much flexibility, okay? Because an actual personality dis- diagnosis causes real impairment for a person.
Mislabeling doesn't just hurt the person you're talk about- talking about, but it actually makes a relationship unworkable.
When we have it in our minds that this other person is being difficult and they're being narcissistic, okay, it actually almost [laughs] relieves us of the responsibility of our side in the relationship.
And then on the other side, when people are actually in relationship with legitimate narcissists, it diminishes the impact that these people actually have on relationships, okay? Because when we actually come across true narcissism in our life or in relationships, the effects are actually pretty signif- significant, and we never want to diminish someone else's experience of having to do relationship with an actual narcissistic person, okay? So when we're talking today, what I want you to understand too is you're gonna hear a lot of things in this podcast, and you're gonna be like, "Oh, my mom.
He's definitely, he's definitely falling in these categories." What I want you to remember is this is not a checklist for the people in your life, all right? When we think about narcissism, it's a spectrum, okay? This is not something where we can just have this nice little checklist and go, "Okay, check.
It's a lot more nuanced than that, all right? When we think about narcissism as well, w- we can all have parts of that, um, when we h- when we actually, like, have normal self-regard.
When we have confidence about ourself, um, when we have ambition, everybody needs a little bit of that, right? Because when we think about the word narcissism, a lot of us think about anybody that thinks about themself too much, okay? [laughs] Well, we have to think about ourselves sometimes, right? One of the things that showed up for me the other day when I was reading this book is when we think about the two extremes, right? Like self-absorption and self-abandonment.
Both actually still revolve around the self, okay? And so when we think about narcissistic traits, there are a lot of them that actually start with the self, okay? Some of these characteristics might involve seeking validation.
When I have a client or even myself, okay, when I was struggling with seeking approval, okay, or seeking validation outside of myself, these technically might fall under the narcissistic category.
Okay? But when we look at it in actuality, what I was really trying to heal was a wound that I, that I had from childhood.
Okay? And so once I did that, that characteristic or that trait actually started to dissipate, and it wasn't there as much anymore.
Okay? So when we're thinking about narcissistic traits, a lot of us have them, okay? And we'll talk about those as we go along, but you might recognize some of these things in yourself, and it doesn't necessarily mean that you have narcissistic personality disorder.
I remember when I was first learning about personality disorders, um, when I was around 25 years old, and I pretty much checked every box.
Okay? And so what we wanna be careful with is that, number one, we're not diagnosing ourselves.
And to be aware that a lot of times trauma responses can look like personality disorders, all right? And that's our goal today is to talk about when it's a trauma response, okay, which it can be, and when are we actually looking at something that we actually might wanna question, okay? When we think about a diagnosis, a lot of times it's usually pretty pervasive.
We don't get much flexibility, okay? Because an actual personality dis- diagnosis causes real impairment for a person.
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