Unscripted Life Update: Closing the Gap Between Me and Myself

Oh my God, it's scary to do this countdown right now.

[laughs] If I can do the math correctly, that's pretty crazy.

In less than 10 hours, I am going to be walking into a courtroom.

And I haven't let many people into this part of my life because of the fact that it is regarding legal matters, and it is regarding my child, and it is regarding a corner of my life that has brought me immense fear because it involves my child.

And there is such a process that I've been going through the last almost eight years that I've been in the system on and off, right? And dealing with the circumstance around my life [laughs] and my situation, without getting into specifics, and the process that I have gone throughHas taken so many different shapes, so many, so many different forms, um, so many different angles, so many different layers.

And what I can say is that through the last, we'll just say eight years, we're coming up on eight years, um, the end of this year, that it has broken me down in a way I would never wish on anyone.

It has stripped me of so much that I have not yet fully grieved, and that brings me to tears because there is not a lot of breathing room.

And it's only been recently that I look back and I say, "Wow, I lost pretty much all of my 30s." [laughs] I'm 41 now and had my son early 30s, and there's like a deep grief that I haven't felt the magnitude of yet, but it's here.

Obviously, I feel pieces of it.

And this is not something...

And this is where I'm at in the journey now, and I've been here for quite some time, but I've really reached a level of gratitude, honestly, and gotten out of the weeds of the poor board, out of the weeds of even just like the 3D material of what we see versus what's happening that we don't see, of God's miracles, God's plan, God's like inner workings that like are just going on that are not in our line of sight necessarily.

And now I've arrived at a place where I can get out of the weeds.

I can zoom out.

I, I used to think of this as more of like a, let me get out of the 3D, let me get more into the, not even 5D, but like the, the meta of it all.

Like maybe it's not about me and this other person.

Maybe it really is about the undoing of belief systems or the, um, the lessons I need to learn to...

And I believe all this too, right? There's so many lessons here for me every time I'm faced with, uh, these very scary things, right? Because it forces me to expand in the discomfort, to say the least, right? And it, uh, it expands my container to hold things that I say that I want, and it forces me to look under the hood.

It forces me to go in the basement and unpack the things I've left there that I didn't wanna deal with, right? And so there's that, there's that kind of school of thought around it as far as, oh, this is like bigger than just what we're seeing and what's happening and what has happened over the last almost eight years.

So I would, I would think in terms of, and as I evolve, I'm like, okay, I'm thinking in terms of higher frequency and, um, you know, getting again out of the minutia and the details and the victim mentality and the he said, she said, and more into the spiritual realm of like, what is it all for, right? And what actually...

That, that is part of it, right? And that has carried me through to a much more healthy place of it all.

But what has really occurred to me through a lot of work in the last couple years has been just coming back into my body, just coming back into now, now, now, now, now.

And a mantra that has carried me so far through this is like, now is all that matters.

Because the things I have gone through in this particular season, this long extended season, this journey, has come with a fear at times that is absolutely debilitating, and it is debilitating if I let it because a lot has happened that I would have never in a million years guessed would happen.

If you told me 10 years ago this was going to happen, I would think you're absolutely insane and you have the wrong person.

And yet, God doesn't...