CS - S2 Ep.04: From Shark to Owl: taking everyone's side

And I'm interested to know how often you deal with conflict situations where you're moving people from a shark, teddy or turtle towards the airspace.

And particularly your experience in so many different countries and cultures, what have you noticed in terms of those conflict characters, in terms of where people are more situated and what do you do to bring them into that airspace?

Firstly, I would say that I rarely meet people who would be comfortable even describing themselves as sharks

because

sharks do have a bad rep and I get it, right? You don't want to be the one trampling over others or going for the throat or clamber over you to get to the top.

But I do meet an incredibly large number of people who would put themselves into the teddy space, the people-pleasing space where they sacrifice their own goals but the other person gets their goals.

Yeah.

Turtles as well as the avoidance space.

This is what I encounter more than anything.

And Scott, you mentioned this idea of sort of internationalism or cultures.

And I wonder if there's tendencies in there.

Certainly there can be a gender dynamic to where you would fit on this, right? Because it's more acceptable perhaps to be a shark if you're a finance bro.

than it is if you are a woman in whatever capacity.

And there's also that social pressure, of course, to be polite and to be good and to give things up and whatever it is in favour of the greater good or your family or whatever.

I do wonder if there's other types of cultural elements or what have you that could come into that.

But actually, to get back to your question, you asked about how to help people move from one space to the other.

first step coaching realize where you are you've got the goal all right so what is the reality it's like okay well right now i'm a teddy bear or a shark and that was in looking at the potential options for getting there right which in this case is often it's equipping with those tools it's not just mediation tools there's other stuff that comes in there as well if i think about the more people pleasing teddy bears and we'll do work on boundaries for instance And also those messages, like why do I sacrifice myself for the sake of others? So there's a lot of stuff that can be unpacked there.

I talk a lot about BATNAs with people pleasers as well.

Do you want to explain what a BATNA is? Because not everyone might know.

Absolutely.

So it's a best alternative to a negotiated solution or a backup plan.

So if your negotiation doesn't work for whatever reason, negotiation can also be in the informal sense.

You know, you're talking to your flatmate about who does the dishes, anything like this.

What is your backup plan if you don't reach an agreement or what is your best backup plan? So that's what a BATNA is, your best alternative to negotiate an agreement.