Huge Signs You're Dating an Avoidant

I need to put a quick disclaimer out there, because people shit on avoidance all the fucking time, and just because you are avoidant does not mean you are a bad person, okay? People are like, "Oh my gosh, they didn't text.

They don't know what they want." And by the way, men and women can both be avoidants, okay? I have actually coached many people who are awesome people, who have avoidant attachment style.

And also, I'm gonna give you a quick background on what avoidant attachment even looks like or is.

Because I think it's really important to recognize that people who are avoidant can heal.

Now, if you're dating somebody who's avoidant, I don't want you holding on hope like, "They can heal, they can heal, they're gonna change this." They have to actively want to change it.

That is the key here.

You are not gonna be able to get them to change on your own, that's codependency, if they do not want the change themselves.

All right? So that is number one here.

But somebody who is avoidant usually has, as I describe to clients, one foot in, one foot out.

This can be in relationships, this can be dating.

So any time that things start getting real, let's say that you guys are talking about making it official or having a conversation about what they're looking for, they get a little finicky or they get a little weird and they kind of, "Oh, well, I, you know, I like where this is going, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship." Or, "Yeah, I like where this is going.

I don't like labels." Or, "I like where this is going, but I just need more time." Which is fine, because that is a healthy answer.

Now, the caveat with I need more time, but there's no follow-through, like they're not following up on the time, they're not talking with you and checking in with you.

You're the one bringing it up again.

That's a problem.

In relationships, this can look like we're moving in together, they freak out.

I actually had that once happen to me.

I didn't know he was avoidant.

This was years ago, and I was moving in with my first boyfriend ever, and he literally had like a massive meltdown, like right before we moved it together and I was like, "Are we not moving in together? I'm really confused." He's like, "No, I talked with a friend.

I feel good.

I'm okay." I'm like, "Okay, great." But really what that is, is any time that things emotionally, and this is the key here, emotionally start to get a little bit closer to you or for the relationship, boom, they pull away, because it is too much for them to handle.

It's like an overwhelm.

They shut down, and their default is to turn away.

So this can also look like getting engaged, having second thoughts about it.

Now, it's also normal to have second thoughts about getting engaged, 'cause it's a big deal, but avoidants have a way of just kind of pushing away the problem versus talking and working through the problem.