Aug 5, 2026 · 30 min · 6 segments
**Dr. Alex Bailey**, PsyD, challenges the myth of finding the "perfect" match. Discover why lasting love and meaningful connections are actually built through the everyday choice of embracing our…
Alex BaileyGuest
Anna KrauszHost
So to start us off for our conversation today, can you just give us a little bit of background? Why is this topic so important, and where do you see this come up in your work?
It's a great question, and I think a great l- lead-in to where we're gonna be going today.
In over the last 10 years, as I've started to really focus so much of my practice on working with couples, I've taken a real special interest in working with the younger couples, both leading up to their marriage and then Shana Tishrei.
And one of the themes that seems to come up more and more in my office, both with young singles as well as couples before that are dating or thinking about getting engaged, is this, what ultimately comes down to a question of, how do I handle what I perceive as the imperfect mate? It comes up in a number of different ways with different questions.
It'll be something like, "I really like that she does this," or, "I really love this part of who he is," and then it's followed with a but.
But how do I handle that they don't align with how I feel about this value? Or what happens when I look at them, look at him or look at her, and they're not always coming across as my perfect vision? And that happens more and more, and as I've encountered that, I've realized that this phenomenon is a major and significant preoccupation.
And so I've started to really develop the work that I do to predict this issue coming up and then to try to address it proactively.
Do you think this is a new problem or sort of a developing problem? And if so, can you share a little bit more about that? And secondly, do you see this as a problem that, or a challenge, we'll say, that affects all the couples you're working with? I mean, is this sort of pervasive, or do you find that this is more common in, you know, for specific couples? How sort of prevalent do you find this way of thinking to be?
I think the first question of, um, whether this is something new or not, um, has really two parts.
The first is, you know, I started in therapy as a clinical psychologist about 25 years ago.
I started my training about 30 years ago, and what has become clear over those last number of decades is the degree to which therapy has become ［foreign language］, has become accepted.
And so I think that what comes along with that is the willingness to talk about people's feelings and to share their concerns.
So whether these issues, and this issue in particular around perfection, has been around forever or not, we definitely didn't hear about it as much.
And now there's a real willingness to talk and to talk about one's fears and concerns and worries.
Would you say that's a positive thing then? You know, maybe this pattern has always existed, but now people can articulate it and can speak about it, or are you suggesting that because people are willing to speak about it, it becomes more of a stumbling block?
As a clinical psychologist, I'm happy the more people are willing to talk and think about things.
So to start us off for our conversation today, can you just give us a little bit of background? Why is this topic so important, and where do you see this come up in your work?
It's a great question, and I think a great l- lead-in to where we're gonna be going today.
In over the last 10 years, as I've started to really focus so much of my practice on working with couples, I've taken a real special interest in working with the younger couples, both leading up to their marriage and then Shana Tishrei.
And one of the themes that seems to come up more and more in my office, both with young singles as well as couples before that are dating or thinking about getting engaged, is this, what ultimately comes down to a question of, how do I handle what I perceive as the imperfect mate? It comes up in a number of different ways with different questions.
It'll be something like, "I really like that she does this," or, "I really love this part of who he is," and then it's followed with a but.
But how do I handle that they don't align with how I feel about this value? Or what happens when I look at them, look at him or look at her, and they're not always coming across as my perfect vision? And that happens more and more, and as I've encountered that, I've realized that this phenomenon is a major and significant preoccupation.
And so I've started to really develop the work that I do to predict this issue coming up and then to try to address it proactively.
Do you think this is a new problem or sort of a developing problem? And if so, can you share a little bit more about that? And secondly, do you see this as a problem that, or a challenge, we'll say, that affects all the couples you're working with? I mean, is this sort of pervasive, or do you find that this is more common in, you know, for specific couples? How sort of prevalent do you find this way of thinking to be?
I think the first question of, um, whether this is something new or not, um, has really two parts.
The first is, you know, I started in therapy as a clinical psychologist about 25 years ago.
I started my training about 30 years ago, and what has become clear over those last number of decades is the degree to which therapy has become ［foreign language］, has become accepted.
And so I think that what comes along with that is the willingness to talk about people's feelings and to share their concerns.
So whether these issues, and this issue in particular around perfection, has been around forever or not, we definitely didn't hear about it as much.
And now there's a real willingness to talk and to talk about one's fears and concerns and worries.
Would you say that's a positive thing then? You know, maybe this pattern has always existed, but now people can articulate it and can speak about it, or are you suggesting that because people are willing to speak about it, it becomes more of a stumbling block?
As a clinical psychologist, I'm happy the more people are willing to talk and think about things.
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