Aug 30, 2026 · 58 min · 19 segments
This week, Alex continues her attachment style series and dives into fearful, or disorganized, attachment. She discusses why people with this attachment style can crave intimacy while simultaneously…
Alex CooperHost
And I'm gonna be honest, this is probably the hardest attachment style to tackle because it is really, really complicated.
It's like, it's like a two for one situation, okay? [laughs] And if you have fearful attachment, most people think you're either needy, AKA you could fall into the anxious category, or you're really cold, AKA avoidant, and so you fall into that category.
If you have fearful attachment, you are high anxiety and you are also high avoidance.
So you kinda got like a dual package situation going on when it comes to attachment styles.
You basically crave intimacy desperately, but you are terrified of it because you believe it will eventually destroy you.
So daddy gang, if you are feeling like you are stuck in this like nonstop agonizing loop in your relationships of, "Come here.
It's also called disorganized attachment, and it can be truly the most exhausting, chaotic relationship dynamic.
So, let's start with, how did you even get here, right? How does one have fearful attachment? In order to understand this, we have to go back to the childhood, guys.
Uh, so for comparison, people with secure attachment, their parents were a safe haven to them, right? When they cried, they got comfort.
But for fearful attached people, your childhood home was essentially a minefield to you.
And in psychology, they say that this attachment comes from fright without solution.
AKA, what that means is the very people who were supposed to protect you and to keep you safe, your parents or your caregivers or whoever raised you, were also the source of your fear, your chaos, and your instability.
And so some people's houses may have kind of fit into this like Jekyll and Mr. Hyde parent situation.
What that looks like is one minute, let's say, your mom or your dad was so warm and loving and even smothering you with affection, right? And then the next minute, they were screaming, cold, or just completely absent And you kind of never knew which version of your parent you were getting when you walked through the front door.
And so essentially, to survive, you had to become hyper-aware of your surroundings at all times.
And so you kinda learned to read these, like, really micro-expressions of your parents' faces just to know if you were safe.
And I'm gonna be honest, this is probably the hardest attachment style to tackle because it is really, really complicated.
It's like, it's like a two for one situation, okay? [laughs] And if you have fearful attachment, most people think you're either needy, AKA you could fall into the anxious category, or you're really cold, AKA avoidant, and so you fall into that category.
If you have fearful attachment, you are high anxiety and you are also high avoidance.
So you kinda got like a dual package situation going on when it comes to attachment styles.
You basically crave intimacy desperately, but you are terrified of it because you believe it will eventually destroy you.
So daddy gang, if you are feeling like you are stuck in this like nonstop agonizing loop in your relationships of, "Come here.
It's also called disorganized attachment, and it can be truly the most exhausting, chaotic relationship dynamic.
So, let's start with, how did you even get here, right? How does one have fearful attachment? In order to understand this, we have to go back to the childhood, guys.
Uh, so for comparison, people with secure attachment, their parents were a safe haven to them, right? When they cried, they got comfort.
But for fearful attached people, your childhood home was essentially a minefield to you.
And in psychology, they say that this attachment comes from fright without solution.
AKA, what that means is the very people who were supposed to protect you and to keep you safe, your parents or your caregivers or whoever raised you, were also the source of your fear, your chaos, and your instability.
And so some people's houses may have kind of fit into this like Jekyll and Mr. Hyde parent situation.
What that looks like is one minute, let's say, your mom or your dad was so warm and loving and even smothering you with affection, right? And then the next minute, they were screaming, cold, or just completely absent And you kind of never knew which version of your parent you were getting when you walked through the front door.
And so essentially, to survive, you had to become hyper-aware of your surroundings at all times.
And so you kinda learned to read these, like, really micro-expressions of your parents' faces just to know if you were safe.
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