S3:E29 - Feeling out of place comes before feeling aligned

I had a bit of a meltdown the other day.

Not a meltdown, just, like, a hard day.

Meltdown kind of, like, undermines it, but a day where I could really feel the space, like the weight of the tension between where I used to be, not even that long ago, like six, seven months ago, and where I am now, and the distance between that.

And it's like I'm kinda walking around the same environments, but as a completely different person, and different things are happening in the environment, and I had a... just a little thing where, like, people I used to be really close with in my day-to-day life, you know, just walk right by me, and I'm like, "Yeah." And I know, like, you can know God's plan and you can know the direction that God's taking you in and still feel like it's hard not to fit in the same way that you did fit, right? It's...

It was so easy just to, you know, "Hi," and the surface-level chat and all of the things, and, you know, we don't fit there anymore.

And I was just kinda feeling the weight of that and honestly feeling kinda lonely and as guilty as I felt because I have amazing people in my life, and way, way less people, but for the first time in my life, I have people who really understand who I am, right? Like this version of me, knowing God, walking in obedience to Him, and, and they know me, and they support me, and I've been covered by them, like, even without any type of value.

And I don't know if you guys have ever felt this, but there's rooms where it feels like if you're not giving value, you're not valuable, and that's something that I've kind of always struggled with, where it's like, you know, is any- anyone just cool with me being Ash? Like anyone cool with me just not contributing? And, and I have that in my life now, and I'm so freaking grateful for it, but there's still days where I feel the weight of not fitting in the old places that I used to.

And, you know, if you've carried wounds from your life of not fitting in, it doesn't really matter how far past you get them, you're still gonna feel that some days.

You're still gonna feel the, "Yeah, okay, I don't fit there anymore.

That's hard." And I've always...

It's not a bad thing.

Also, I know this, like if you are the person who never really felt like you fit inside the room, and maybe you were allowed access to the room, you were allowed in the room, absolutely, but you were definitely not the first one invited to the room, and, you know, you didn't really fit in it.

Maybe you had to change parts of yourself to fit in or, you know, you were allowed to be a part of the crowd, but never the inner circle and all the things.

Like if that was you, there's so much purpose in that.

That's always been me, too, and I, I looked at it for a really long time like a wound.

Like, you know, "Oh, I'm at a place that sucks.

I'm not chosen," all of these things.

And, like, if you're not careful, the enemy can really, really hammer that home of like, you know, create it into, like, a trauma, a wound, and keep you in that place and not seeing the purpose that God has in that, where you're probably the person who's supposed to create rooms for other people.

You're probably the person that's supposed to lead.

You're probably the person that's supposed to speak and go first and do all of these things, but you can't do them when you're viewing that as a wound.

So anyways, that was just a whole side tangent.

But I'm really grateful for the people that I have, for the people who, you know, are building these rooms with me and who are in them and make me feel like even if I'm just Ash, there's... that's great.

Like that's, that is more than enough, and that's really, really valuable.

But those days where, like, your old life is all around you.

You know, it's not like I moved cities.