167 // From Self-Doubt to Self-Trust in ADHD, with Laura Aydlette

So something that you had presented to me was talking about when women get a diagnosis, there's that sense of understanding, but there's still a lack of self-trust.

That question of, why don't I trust myself yet? Can you go into that a little bit and where that is coming from, whether that's from your work or from your own experience?

Yeah.

So I've noticed that in both, in my own experience and in the clients that I work with.

I think a lot of times there's dis- this desire to put the puzzle pieces together about, you know, what's going on with me? Why am I like this? Why do I struggle with organization or being on time or whatever it might be, and there's often the hope that if I just get this diagnosis, I'll have clarity, and I'll be able to move forward, and everything will be better.

And I know when I was going through the diagnosis process myself, I was really hopeful that would be the case for me.

I was filling out the questionnaires and thinking, "Oh, I can't wait to just have the answer so I don't have to struggle with these things anymore." And it was exciting to get the diagnosis.

I liked that I finally had the confirmation that I fit into this world that I had been telling myself for a while before that I thought I did.

Mm-hmm.

But then there's frustration, uh, as the, the months and the years went on, and, you know, I'm still going through it now, but just why isn't this getting any easier? Why, why do I still struggle with self-doubt at times of whether or not I'll be able to be successful in an area or just, I guess, trust myself, like, as I mentioned, in, I guess, just being an adult.

In some of those big decisions in life.

Yeah.

And I imagine that's something a lot of us can relate to, is that, that feeling of searching for an answer, a solution.

I think often, too, in the world that we live in, we're looking for quick fixes to things, and I mean, whether that's relationships or weight loss or fitness or whatever it is, we're kind of looking for- ... a quick fix that can, you know, happen overnight or within a short period of time, and that building that self-trust and that confidence is something that takes time.

Yeah.

So as far, as far as that then, what do you think within that, what keeps us in that self-doubt? What kind of things do you see that these women are still struggling with?

So you're definitely right that we want these quick fixes and we want that clarity, just like that aha, I know everything, I know how to figure it out now.

But just as, you know, all the other parts of our identity have been formed over time through our past relationships, through our interests, through our calling, the way that we see ourselves has been influenced our entire lives.

I think especially for the late diagnosed women, they've struggled most of their lives thinking like, "Well, I'm just someone who's lazy.

I'm just someone who's unreliable.

I'm not the kind of person who follows through." And it's sometimes reinforced by family members who might not understand why they're struggling in certain ways, or maybe reinforced by peers who say, "Oh, well, you talk too much," or, "You are, you're annoying, you're too much." Same thing in relationships.

It, it can be really hard to have a romantic relationship when you don't know about your ADHD, just because it can influence the way that you interact with people.

So when you get that diagnosis, you might have the label for yourself, but it's not going to help you just automatically unlearn the identity that you've adapted.

I love what you said about identity is formed over time, and that's not just identity as far as ADHD, that's all of our identity has been formed over time and experiences, responses from people, reactions, interactions.

There's so much that goes into forming that identity that we have.