exactly.

The thing is, he... interesting enough like did want connection and we did have strong connection was the thing is but he didn't want public connection it was one of those things which i think is one of the most like devastating things ever where you know you're in love with someone they're theoretically from their lips in love with you and the reason you can't be together isn't fundamental reasons like you fight a lot or you know you're not attracted to each other but it was always shame fear he was like i just can't do this can you wait a few years it was always limbo like maybe in a few years i can get to that point where i can come out blah blah blah but there was no sign I mean now I look back and Hayes is gone I can see back now and be like okay like how crazy was I to you know not see all these indicators that this was just him you know putting me in a box while he could do whatever you know putting me on ice next to him while he could do whatever he wanted to feed what he needed to feed which is kind of the supply of attention of female gratification validation and then male gratification validation from his peers being like oh look you're you date all these, you know, these pretty girls and you're, you know, that's what he thinks.

Everyone was applauding him the whole time.

But then Wade's always there for the emotional stuff.

Then I get the call every day when he's had a bad day and we go deep.

And I was almost acting like he's therapist.

And, and then back to what you were saying now, I think in that he gave me so much hope and we talked about the future so much.

I was just like, holy shit.