guys that could fuck you.

Dude, and literally when we get in the back, because we're homies, but I'm like, fuck it.

When I first went to Skankfest last year, I was still kind of in that realm where people were like, why is he on the bill? Shit like that.

So I'm like, I'm going to win Skankfest.

I'm going to do the naked roast.

I'm going to do anything and everything so that people know, hey, I'm here to fucking throw a little dick.

I call Jason now, you know, and he knows we're homies.

Do you remember when you were getting your dick sucked and did it feel good?

[laughing]

Stupid.

Fucking stupid.

He lied about his tie.

He goes, "I plead the Fifth to his cover of his tie." Hey, man, I don't know if CO- I don't know if COVID's real.

Okay? I don't know if COVID's real.

Okay? And, but during COVID, like, didn't we all just start eating ass?

[laughs]

Take a certain type of character.

Yeah, you trust the process, right? Like, yeah, it's just gonna suck, but it's gonna callous over.

And then that skin's not gonna be so fair and soft anymore.

And in that, you'll find the tools that you need.

It's like...

And people, like...

Stand-up isn't that hard in the sense of, like, look, all you're doing is you're in the fucking garage with your homies, 6 o'clock in the morning, fucking cutting up, having a good time, and on a bender.

Or is it sitting down alone in a room and invoking the fucking joke? No,

[laughs]

So my granddaddy passed away, like, a couple months prior to Christmas, and instead of, like, leaving a will, you know, he's, like, just auction it off at Christmas, or white, white Santa Clause, or white elephant.

And, like, we have steals, but, like, they're, like, fucking stealing a little too mu- like, they stole it twice.

And because one got a extra steal card.

It's a long thing.

But I, I-

Also, it seems like maybe the most fair thing I've ever heard of.

I mean, fu- yeah, 'cause everybody's fa- my, my daddy, my granddaddy had, like, seven kids.

how we feeling tonight?

Goddamn, just in time for rodeo season.

Favorite time of the year.

Best thing I love about that goddamn rodeo is them big, fat, black women in them goddamn jeans and jean shorts just throwing ass to our lord and savior, George Strait.

You ain't lived till you seen somebody pop their pussy to Amarillo by morning, I tell you what.

And you got them Catafort Tortoise, them big-ass Category 4 Tortoise walking around in them Airbrush shirts.

Says, R.I.P. Miguel, barbecue stains on it.

So,

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Houston's own Uncle Laser.

City of Syrup, Scrousted, Texas, how we feeling tonight? Goddamn, just in time for rodeo season.

Favorite time of the year.

Best thing I love about a goddamn rodeo is them big, fat Black women in them goddamn jeans and jean shorts just throwing ass to our Lord and Savior, George Strait.

You, you ain't lived till you seen somebody pop their pussy to Amarillo by Morning, I tell you what.

And you got them category four torches, them big-ass category four torches walking around in airbrush shirts.

Says, "RIP Miguel" barbecue stains on it.

Come on, Laser.

[laughs]

What else we got? NASCAR.

NASCAR? You ever been to one? No.

You never felt them engines just [mimics engine] around the- [audience laughs] It's cool, ain't it? You can feel it? Goddamn right, you could.

[audience laughs] And the [censored] at NASCAR is wild, okay? That [censored] on the first date.

You hear me? Like, mm.

[audience laughs] What else? Hog hunting.

This a real gal.

[laughs]

Before we get started on, you know, listen, I don't care what you are, okay? It's your right as a human being.

Whatever you do, don't impede on what someone else does.

That's your right as a human being.

Like, I don't...

Look, I don't care if you're gayI don't care if you're trans.

I don't even care if you're Black.

[laughs]

Make some noise for the great Uncle Lazer, everybody.

How we doing, Austin? Y'all all right? You okay? Happy Black History Month.

They got Darnell here.

They got that light-skinned feller painting.

They got Dee Madness dressed like a butler.

Unreal.

What a trait.

You know it's winter when he starts wearing sleeves, for sure.

Uh-oh.

But the other day I posted a reel of me signing this really attractive girl's titties, and I don't mind that.

You know, sweat off my brow.

And, but she's like, "Hey, I wanna go to the after party with you after the show." This is the fifth show I've done.

It was in Phoenix at the House of Comedy.

And I was like, "Well, let me go get my check." And when I come back, they're at the bar and there's a guy in a wife beater and he's calling her like a bitch, a [beep] a slut, and a whore, like loud.

Half an inch.

[laughs] But old boys started getting loud, and they separated us.

[laughs]

And I'm asking her between scenes, I'm like, "Hey, am I hitting you too hard? Is there anything I could be doing better?" And she's smoking a little cigarette.

Like, "[imitates smoking].

How long you been acting?"

Yeah.

Um, did you like being in the faction DX more than the solo stuff, or did you have more fun with that? Like, what, what was, what was your favorite part of your historic career? The part where you remember that, that was when I had the most fucking fun, like creative freedom, all that stuff.

[laughs]

What, are you guys just urinating and washing your hands, you boring boys? Nah, let's have some fun.

Come on.

Let me see that dick, boy.

You know? No, but listen, I, I, I, I told him, I said, "Hey, man, I got something I wanna say in this interview." We know the same person, and she found it in the phone too.

She hates her, but, uh, so look, there's a girl that I know, there's a girl that I know that knows Ari, that loves Ari.

All right? And, and I guess Ari curved her, and this girl's used to getting her way.

[laughs]

[laughs]

It was a Black guy and a Mexican chick, and I stole my mama's, uh, Jeep Grand Cherokee, and we went to the La Colonia, which means El Colony in Spanish.

And we snuck in through her window, and he let me go first 'cause he was a gentleman, but I was 12, so I didn't really know what I was doing, you know? And he...

And then I feel a tap on my shoulder and it's a big, beautiful Black man with his hard dick.

It's a stereotype, their dicks are huge.

And he fucking-

Yeah

...

[laughs]

You know who I'm talking about.

Listen, Kanye West said, "If you fucking a fat bitch, it means you a broke bitch." Okay? Y'all might as well call me Section 8 housing, all right? 'Cause I love a thick bitch.

Where my thick bitches at?

[laughs]

Bottomless mimosas at the fucking drag brunch, and you get them boys dressed up like girls up there dancing Lady Gaga, "I was born this way," and I'm like, "Were you really?" You know?

[laughs]

She said, "Look, I ain't gonna be able to get you that plane ticket no more.

But I can get you a Greyhound bus ticket." And I said, "Listen here, bitch.

My mama raised me on that Reba McEntire, and I might have been born just a plain white trash, but fancy was my motherfucking name.

I ain't getting on no goddamn Greyhound bus.

You hear me, bitch?"

I was hoping, I was hoping fucking Jackson Barr would say something like that the whole interview.

I gotta stop coming in strangers, 'cause look, dude, I'm like the Tyreek Hill of the Austin comedy scene.