I think I put unnecessary pressure on myself previously because I've got such high standards for myself, and I'm sure you do too.

And in a way that's great because that's how I've managed to do everything that I've done, but in some other ways I've made my life way harder than it needs to be.

And I think now, yeah, like kids having breakfast, a specific type of breakfast, isn't the hill that I wanna die on.

Mm.

But I didn't admit that to myself.

So I think working from home, not being brave enough to admit that I was struggling, not telling anyone that I was struggling and just keeping it all inside my head because I should really be able to figure a way out of, of this, and I don't need any help, and I've created this whole business around being, you know, this force of nature and this super strong person, and now you can't even cope when your husband goes away.

Like-

I think I put unnecessary pressure on myself previously because I've got such high standards for myself, and I'm sure you do too.

And in a way that's great because that's how I've managed to do everything that I've done, but in some other ways I've made my life way harder than it needs to be.

And I think now, yeah, like kids having breakfast, a specific type of breakfast, isn't the hill that I wanna die on.

Mm.

But I didn't admit that to myself.

So I think working from home, not being brave enough to admit that I was struggling, not telling anyone that I was struggling and just keeping it all inside my head because I should really be able to figure a way out of, of this, and I don't need any help, and I've created this whole business around being, you know, this force of nature and this super strong person, and now you can't even cope when your husband goes away.

Like-

How do you think that contributed to your burnout?

I think there was a lot of things.

I'm a husband working away and I expected myself to just continue parenting, continuing to run a business.

Life goes on at normal.

Stop complaining.

Suck it up.

Life's not that hard.

What was the moment that made you go, I actually have to put up my hand, I can't do this?

And for now, please enjoy this episode of Full Plate with Liz Ellis.

I think I put unnecessary pressure on myself previously because I've got such high standards for myself, and I'm sure you do too, and in a way that's great because that's how I've managed to do everything that I've done.

But in some other ways, I've made my life way harder than it needs to be, and I think now, yeah, like kids having breakfast, a specific type of breakfast, isn't the hill that I wanna die on.

Mm.

It's not always easy to access, and then when you do get an appointment, y- it's a lot of money, or you have to wait weeks and weeks and maybe even months, you know.

So I felt like I was quite privileged, 'cause I was able to get an appointment, and I was able to pay.

And so, you know, it was working with my, my therapist and my psychologist that I started to learn, you know, it's okay to ask for help.

It's okay to accept help.

Has there been other ways in your life, like with work and stuff, that you've kind of really started to be more mindful of those people-pleasing behaviors?

Yeah, yeah.

And I mean, like, when I wrote the book Selfish, I had so many women come up and tell me, like, how amazing it was and how it changed their life and how they wished they learnt this stuff when they were younger.

'Cause some of these women were like 60 and 70 and even 80.

And I'm just reflecting now, like, women of all ages have read my books, and I've had lots of comments on how great they've been from younger women too.

But I think for younger women reading it, they might have thought, "Oh, this is all common sense.

This is all, like, quite straightforward." Um, and I think, yeah, if I didn't go through burnout I probably would've never reevaluated my life in such a way.

Mm

the cost is that things haven't really shifted on the home front and some of that might just be the innate what's how we're built as to how we nurture and how you know men and women are different or it could just be that that part hasn't caught up with the rest of it for you what do you think the biggest issue is with home life in parenting for women and for men in trying to make sure that the woman is not the one carrying the entire load

Yeah, that's a good question.

And I think there's a little bit of both, right? So if you think about how women are raised, generally speaking, we're raised to put others first, to think of others, to be polite, to make sure others are comfortable.

And women are almost valorized for how selfless and giving and nurturing they are.

And the effect of that is that we're expected to give of ourselves in the workplace, but also at home.

And the mental load disproportionately falls on the woman.

I think in maybe over three quarters of Australian households, it's the mum who's usually or always carrying that burden.

Toya, was it a gradual realisation or did you have a moment in time or something that happened where you went, I'm not looking after myself enough or I'm not putting myself first enough?

Yes, you could justify it.

Which makes sense.

It's like, I've been through something pretty bad.

So yeah, I, I need professional help.

But when I went through this, I was like, "Mm, it's not that hard." Like, you're working and you're parenting solo for, like, a little bit.

It's not that hard.

Like, why are you making this such a big deal? Why are you complaining? Like, just get on with it.

We're socialized to do it.

[laughs]

And it's got this bright yellow cover.

I'm, I'm, you know, I'm smiling on the cover, and I just, I felt like such a fraud, you know? Because I'd, I'd written this book on happiness, and there I was to get a, a mental health plan.

And, uh, uh, uh, I think, you know, I love Australia, and I love our, our, our healthcare system, but I think our mental healthcare system is in a bit of a crisis, right? And I didn't know that at the time, but I think one in three Aussies are gonna go through some kind of mental health condition or some kind of mental health issue in their lifetime.

And then, you know, on average, you're waiting four to six weeks to see a psychologist.

You've got out-of-pocket expenses of, um, on average around $90.

So I was, I was lucky, right, because I had supportive family and friends.

I mean, if there is something that you would share from this experience of writing this book for, uh, someone who's going through a similar phase of life as what you've been going through for the past couple of years, what would you say to them?