and yes yeah all that sort of stuff detaching your self-worth from feeling like you're really shit at something because you're doing the same thing every day and you're really trying hard to hang on but you're just so close to going no this is making me feel too shit about myself

yeah I mean it's it's it's I could give you a very facile answer, but it's a very complex, multi-layered, the concept, I guess, of self-worth and how we as women link it to, for a lot of women, there's a kind of a feeling that it's linked to how you look.

You know, a lot of women go on a journey like we are on as thrivers.

in terms of looking for this nirvana of weight loss gain, weight loss.

So for a lot of people, there can be this kind of, there's not, I don't think people have quite melded the concept of getting fit being not linked to weight loss, you know? So I...

for me there's the concept is if we were to take it that that this journey the thriver journey is just about getting fit i think people would find it a lot easier not to link it to a kind of an idea of self-worth because i don't think people base self-worth around getting fit but I do think as women we do base a lot of our self-worth on how we look and weight loss and and if you start to look at this journey as a weight loss journey specifically as a journey towards losing weight so that outwardly you look like you've lost weight and therefore you know you have accomplished something by losing weight and you in your own mind, your self-worth is linked to how you look.

And I would be looking at this much more because it's a journey, obviously, that you know that I've been on for eight years with you.

yeah.

yeah and just tripping over ourselves yeah yeah okay so we're talking about neurodiversity today so let's get stuck in when will you will you answer me this first of all when we talk about neurodiversity what do we actually

mean um i think it was very interesting the last time somebody sent in a question and i think it was around autism we kind of got into kind of neurodiversity in general the response to that because i i think it's It's a lot more, people are looking at this a lot more in themselves and in the world.

And it's really important for me to say this first, that people have their own ideas about, oh, everybody's saying this and this is the new buzzword and this is the new this and this is the new that, right? If you work in the area of mental health, you recognize that the reason why we are so busy and the reason why people struggle so much with their mental health is obviously life can be very difficult for all of us.

But for some people, life is far more difficult than it is for other people, far more difficult.

And some people have the utmost resilience for the most awful things that affect them in life.

And some people struggle day to day with getting out of bed, no matter what is going on in their lives.

And we have been able to look at where, particularly as therapists who've worked for a lot of years in this field, what's the stuckness that keeps people coming back into therapy and also for a lot of people what is the stuckness that comes that is um that presents as a particularly addiction issues and um lots and lots of addiction issues and huge amount of generalized anxiety disorder and then people being pathologized and then being told that they have borderline personality disorder.

So could we talk about that, the signs and then? Yeah,

Please help."

Uh, this is a very familiar, uh, thing to me.

It's certainly was, uh, uh, I don't know what stage of life this, uh, person is at, but definitely, um, oh, I had a horrendous time during perimenopause of waking up, like being able to go to sleep and then waking up and being wide awake, and then going into rumination.

I don't know if that's where this person is, but, um, you know, going into rumination and overthinking.

And certainly when you're tired and your body has no defenses, it's really hard to employ any kind of, I think, self-regulation to yourself where you kinda feel like, "I can pull myself back from the brink." The dead of night seems to be, uh, a time for all of us, where it's, it's hard to really employ things that you would be able to employ when you're feeling in the whole of your health or not feeling tired.

I feel that, um, what could I say? I mean, from a, from a health point of view, if you're, if you're in perimenopause or, I, I would be looking at it from, from that point of view in terms of looking at maybe things that you could employ, uh, natural or not natural, or whatever you feel for your, for your hormonal balance.

But I found, and it's something that I used to recommend to clients as well, Yoga Nidra is something that you can, uh, you can access it even through YouTube or whatever.

Mm

Thank you."

100%.

Um, what a great question.

And, uh, uh, we'd, we, we are, I guess, as, as time has gone on in, in therapy and things have changed a lot over the last 25 years, um, we are working a lot more with neurodiversity now and, and an understanding of neurodiversity.

Um, so I think it's a really, uh, pressing question for people that, that may have been diagnosed, may be, be self-diagnosed, um, may have family who have had a diagnosis of, um, neurodiversity, whether that's ADHD or autism.

Uh, we do a lot of CPD on it for our therapists.

Um, and there's a very interesting, uh, kind of, um...

... and say, "I wonder if something's up"?

I'm finding it hard to...

But it is a hard one to answer, right? Because I have come up against this in myself and with clients over the years, what I used to say.

It's like trying to, oh, you're, you know, so you're saying it's okay to let yourself off the hook.

You don't have to do anything.

It's like when people used to talk about, you know, challenge, you know, me about mindfulness.

Oh yeah.

So, you know, just be mindful and it doesn't matter.

What is that? when when you're like oh I really want to eat healthy but then sometimes I just think oh life's too fucking short I mean that's different I think I hear that a lot but like that's that's not that isn't it not like that's more do you really want to be healthy

Mm.

So I wouldn't be comfortable with them internally, uh, the parts of me that are not caring, and are not kind, and are quite selfish.

Um, but yeah, can I tolerate your disapproval of me? Can I also tolerate those pieces of myself inside that go, "No, don't feel like it today, for no particular reason [laughs] other than I just don't feel like it." And that may, may come across as being unkind or uncaring or selfish, but that's just how I'm feeling.

So tolerating how you feel about me and also tolerating how I feel about myself.

Am I the kind of person who can say no? Do I look at other people and think, "Oh, they're very selfish.

I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't do this.

Mm.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And like a part of it is exactly as you say, like if when all of us had started the kind of thriver journey and thought, oh my God, I'm going to be able to do this amount of sit-ups, this amount of press-ups.

I'm going to be able to use weights.

I'm going to be able, like we would have been saying, that's an amazing thing to do.

And it's interesting, isn't it? Like how the human psyche makes us just throw the baby out with the bath water like you kind of get one thing down and then instead of saying instead of kind of praising yourself and saying how brilliant am I to be doing that it immediately goes into what am I not doing right and I think that that's a big that that that we when we kind of hold on to those bits of what we're not doing um that pervasive negative inner critic comes forward and then it's like sure what's the point so the consistency like you say goes out with everything rather than like can I at all give myself praise for what I actually am doing I'm actually doing the workouts I'm actually doing this and I have consistency in a part of something in my life that I never had consistency in and Other things will follow if I allow, you know, that these that it becomes more important to me that other things will follow.

I couldn't give a shit I could not give a shit I just want my mental health to be good that's so important to me

[laughs]

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And I, and I just think, yeah, well, it doesn't seem unreasonable.

Um, no, I mean, that is, that's human nature.

It's our default position.

It's a, it's a, it's, uh, you know, it's the way we're programmed.

... or h- I mean-

Yeah.

So if we, if we, if we got it, and if we said, "That is the magic trick.

It is just to stay consistent, eating the same food three times a day for the rest of my life, um, that will be the magic cure for everything.

I will feel disciplined.

I will feel in control.

I will feel I've got something.

I will feel that I'm not confused anymore." Um, and unfortunately, like, life is a messy business.

Mm.