What do you think about this dynamic here?

We don't get to hear much about her partner and what the relationship is like between her fiance, soon to be husband, and his mom.

So when it comes to this dynamic, I always want people to think about the triangle.

You end up being in a triangle and there are multiple relationships at play.

You have the mother-son relationship.

You have the future mother-in-law, future daughter-in-law relationship.

you have the relationship between the couple, and then you have the relationship between the couple with the mother-in-law.

I just read a story yesterday about a similar situation where the mother-in-law saw the seating chart and through a fit said, if I don't get moved, I'm not coming to the wedding.

Yeah.

And I think that's probably where the mother-in-law gets labeled as the narcissist, where she's like, oh, my son, you're taking my son away.

So it makes it all about her, the wedding.

She's trying to sabotage the wedding.

It's classic.

I think that's where that label comes from.

And it's a classic trope.

It's

No.

And, and again, because I go back to and what are we going to do in response to that? So if, if you walk around constantly carrying this, like, um, heavy 30-pound weight, like, "My mother is a narcissist.

My mother's a narcissist," like- Okay.

Can you go hug your kids while you're carrying this heavy weight? No.

Can you go play soccer with them? No.

Drop the weight.

You don't need to diagnose her.

No.

If you come from a family where it's loud and people argue by calling each other names and swearing and all these things, and then it's like and then they just move on that's like a hard if you didn't grow up in that environment like I certainly didn't grow up in that environment my husband's family's not like that but that would be that would have been a very jarring experience for me I would have needed to like really accept that when they get like that I don't have to take it personally you know what I mean or if I do I need to just like wash it and flush it the next day You

talk.

Sorry, go ahead.

I was going to say there's this really interesting pattern that I see.

And I did create this video.

And I almost didn't post this video because I was kind of in my head about it.

And I was like, oh, I don't know.

I think eldest daughter millennial women learn that

For some people like, oh, with our crazy lives, with our crazy schedules, how are we supposed to have any time for one another? And if we take sex off the table completely, what does that mean for our relationship? Can you talk a little bit about, you know, people's kind of differing opinions there?

Absolutely.

So I would encourage people to look at how you understand intimacy and sex.

Oftentimes we define sex as penis and vagina in a heterosexual relationship.

We define it as the end goal of orgasms.

And yes, that is so important.

And it's also just one way that we can feel close with our partners.

But is that something that you kind of advise people to do in their communication with one another, kind of repeating things back so you are on the same page about what your partner is communicating about?

So how can you make sure that you can keep some of what makes you a couple continue into parenthood and avoid just becoming, say, roommates that are co-parenting?

Hmm.

The foundation of my first book, I Didn't Sign Up For This, is exactly what I'm going to talk about here, and that is interdependence.

So we are living in this time, in this culture, where so many people come to me saying, "I don't wanna be codependent." We're fearful of codependency.

And so then what's happened is we have swung completely into this counterdependence or hyperindependence.

And our goal actually in partnerships is the balance between autonomy and independence and interconnectedness and intimacy.

And it sounds easy when we say this because when it comes together, it's called interdependence.

So how can we stop one person having to be the boss of everything?

But even though they're dysfunctional, they don't see it, and they're gonna call you the problem 'cause you're different.

So many daughters-in-law end up being labeled the scapegoat and being called the problem because they are the one to name the family system.

And I say to so many women, I say, "This system existed long before you joined the family.

You are outside of it, and so of course you see it." And yes, you know, that's not to say her family is not a problem and they don't have their own things.

They have their own system as well.

But what happens for so many couples is she...

And I'll give a very kind of general experience that happens, is she goes to her husband and says, "Oh, I think your mom is guilt-tripping us.

Like, what do you do when you end up in a situation that has enmeshment or codependency issues, and, like, you're in this situation of these prior family dynamics, and, like, you're not gonna change it?

Can you talk about w- what led you to do that?

Mm.

I remember so often having these conversations with other parents as I entered into motherhood, and I used to say I thought doing my PhD would be the hardest thing to ever do in my life.

To sit in a room, to research and write and talk about one thing only, and that was my research project.

And then I became a mother, and I would be at the park around other parents, and I would be listening to parents talk about feeding schedules and nap times and, you know, all the things that we talk about.

And inside, I would be seething and wondering, "Does anyone else hate their husband the way I do? Does anyone else resent them?" And I'm thinking, here I am a couples therapist.

I know all the skills and tools.

What was the word you used? You're certainly not forearmed.

Mm-hmm.

And so then when you think of who you're dealing with, and, and already she's saying this woman has all of these passive aggressive remarks, you know that it's probably not going to be helpful to over-explain yourself.

And I caught OP's piece, too, where she says, you know, "I, I like her.

We had a good relationship." And I think there's like this torn feeling that so many daughters-in-law experience after having children, which is, what happened to our connection?

Yeah.

There's almost three things here.

What am I doing as husband? So what do I wanna do? What are my boundaries? What am I willing to engage with or not with my mother-in-law? And then what am I doing to support my wife and her? And this is where the book, You, Your Husband and His Mother, or you, your husband and her mother, wh- whatever it is, it's, there's a triangle, and the triangle exists when two people are experiencing conflict.