just

feel like God was like, you don't have to do this.

And my husband had said it to me.

You don't have to do this.

You know, he even said, I feel like you would work 24-7 if you could.

And that's how deep that wound was for me, which I didn't realize was a wound until I started getting curious about it and doing my work around it.

But I just felt in that moment, God inviting me to... release my tight grip on life and just say, Hey, like, would you trust me to guide you in this season? Would you trust me that I chose you as a mom for a reason? I chose you for your family.

You know,

[laughs]

And I was loud, and I was big, and all of these things, but it was internalized as bad.

It was too much.

And, um, I, I, I would experience anger, and it would come out in sort of angry outbursts, which, um, was really just the frustration of not feeling seen, not feeling fully valued and known and loved, and really feeling like there was something about me that wasn't great.

Um, and so once you become a mother, those things are often very highlighted by God, um, because I truly believe that motherhood is a season that He wants to use to refine those things out of us, because you are made for so much more.

Motherhood, yes, it is a calling, and it has so much purpose and leadership, but I didn't understand that, so I was chasing leadership and approval and performance, you know, out there in the world.

Because let's be honest, you know, work and success are, are defined as almost, like, the same thing.

Or believing?