Not everything is a diagnosable issue.

So many people hide behind a diagnosis and say, I never have to get better.

This is one of the biggest things with attachment issues too.

People take an attachment styles quiz and say, oh, I'm anxious attachment.

I will be that for the rest of my life.

Absolutely not.

That is the medical system that says, You have a disease.

what how would you describe I don't know whether you've ever been on ADHD medication but from what you know about the experience of it what can you tell me about what life would be like before and after for a young boy or girl and then also moving up into adulthood

And I would say that the archetype is, as you've described, that it really is, if this counseling was to make the relationship better, it is a severe uphill battle, which I imagine from a therapist's perspective makes couples counseling not exactly fun.

So I went through school graduate program, six years for master's degree, and then an additional three years of apprenticeship of hard apprenticeship under clinicians.

So it's nine year process to become a marriage and family therapist at nine years of training of them telling us you will want to, you will get burned out on this job.

Couples therapy is hard.

Couples don't actually usually get better.

Very few of them do.

It's hard work and you have to completely detach from their outcomes.

How does a pair of people who have got ingrained responses, habituated thought patterns, routines built into their communication style, the way they relate to each other, the way that they show up to each other, how can it be the case that three sessions is all that it takes to deprogram something, which at the very least we're taught should take 66 days to break and make a new habit?

What's interesting or different about the dating scene? I

would say Dubai is not very representative of the Middle East.

It's got a completely different culture to Muslim values and culture in general.

The reason being is it is a playground for the rich and beautiful.

The entire city is Beverly Hills.

So what happens is the richest men in the world flock to Dubai.

It's got amazing perks if you want to make a lot of money.

And if you're looking for a real representation of Islam, Dubai is also not the place to go.

Do you think there's a crisis of femininity at the moment? Do you think that women are struggling for good role models right now?

I do think so.

And you know, I know from my personal experience, I don't have a role model online.

I don't have a role model.

And if I do have any kind of role models, it will just be like some of the men in the field that have done really great work in psychology.

But I can't tell you there's a single woman that I've ever watched growing up and thought, I want to be like her.

And that's not because there's anything wrong with the women out there.

Yeah, and

What did you find?

Well, I have to give credit where credit's due, but the most longstanding research into marriage and relationships was by the Gottman Institution.

And they did the most scientific and objective analysis of relationships.

And they studied 10,000 couples in a lab over a couple of days.

and they were able to predict with 80 accuracy which couples would stay together and which ones would get divorced within a year and it was so simple what they were able to find and it was simple thing as responding to each other's bids for connection what i mean by this is when we have a partnership where one person comes home and expresses an emotion the other one picks up on it that partnership has the base levels to last a really long time so it could be a simple thing like you come home from work and say i'm so tired and your partner says why what's wrong simple connection from that connection they trust each other and then they start to lean into each other but if you come home and you're like i'm so tired and your partner either says nothing or says why are you tired i'm the one that's been with the kids all day or what have you done all day i've been at work all day that turning away from each other's emotional needs is the training ground for divorce they are now setting themselves up for divorce and it might not happen today might not happen tomorrow It might last another 10, 15 years, but we get emotionally exhausted by having partners who reject our kind of advances for connection.

And eventually the relationship ends.

Why is it the case then that divorce rates are rising? If that's the biggest predictor, if that's 80% accuracy of being able to predict divorce, Why has that specific trait changed so much over the last 50 years?

Distractions.

And it's a failure of using your own theory of mind.

You're very right.

It's also, I've been studying a lot into mirroring neurons, especially when we're little children.

So when we're born, we have the amygdala and then we have a lot of mirroring neurons.

It's two of the only structures that are really fully formed at birth.

And our mirroring neurons, we're supposed to have mom.

Mom is supposed to be paying attention to us and, and, Looking at us and mirroring our expression to her so that we we feel interesting to people just by existing.

And again, you know, a lot of this could come from parenting problems too.

This is why nice guys finish last.

And you really liked that other tweet I did with the werewolf and the happy puppy.

Nice guys look really fluffy at first and then really vicious at the end of it when you reject them.

It's because they earn good boy points and they are supposed to be rewarded.

They do nice things for you expecting to be repaid and you have to figure out what they want.

It's usually sex.

You have to figure out what they want and do it for them or they will be furiously angry that you didn't reciprocate the way the rules say that you have to.

Like you may-

Do you think the same is true in reverse?

No, unfortunately, it doesn't work the same way with women.

Not always.

It can sometimes, but it doesn't always work the same way because when they have children, good women with healthy women actually prioritize the children first and foremost.

And one of the priorities is becoming then super cautious of the man that she allows to enter into the man's world.

And if she's a really good mother, she tends to keep a good co-parenting relationship with the ex-husband.

And a lot of men don't feel comfortable with that.

What's that?

What have you come to believe about how much body count matters? And then how can people deal with historical jealousy better?

Well, the thing is, it's now become a big topic of debate and men are like, oh, body count, body count, body count.

It's a big deal.

Here's what I really say about body count.

The testament of your body count is more your rejection rate than how many people you slept with.

Now, if you are, let's take somebody like you, for example, who's got a big name on social media, looks great, access to loads of women through the nightclub.

Now, if your body count is, let's say if it's 10, but you've had hundreds of girls throwing themselves at you, yours is actually still low.

yeah yeah yeah yeah so hearing stories about what your partner used to get up to even if it happened once yeah right and it it's so strange you didn't even know that they existed you didn't know them they didn't know you they couldn't have said no because they were waiting for you to come maybe this was a one-time thing or whatever and it triggers especially in men it triggers such a visceral fear yeah right of an inadequacy of um like jealousy but it's straight like how can you be jealous about a thing that happened before you even knew who your partner was so yeah talk me through your conception of historical jealousy

Why do you think infidelity occurs most commonly in your experience?

I would honestly say if you ever get cheated on, I always, I know people hate me for this, but it's usually your fault.

And the reason I say that, particularly with men, a cheating woman shows you every red flag from day one.

If you choose to ignore red flags, you'll pay the price.

In life, you pay prices.

There's price tags.

Now everybody shows you that, cheaters show you they're going to be a cheat.

Why do married women cheat?

So many people hide behind a diagnosis

and say, I never have to get better.

This is one of the biggest things with attachment issues too.

People take an attachment styles quiz and say, oh, I'm anxious attachment.

I will be that for the rest of my life.

Absolutely not.

That is the medical system that says, You have a disease.

what how would you describe i don't know whether you've ever been on adhd medication but from what you know about the experience of it what can you tell me about what life would be like before and after for a young boy or girl and then also moving up into adulthood

And I would say that the archetype is, as you've described, that it really is, if this counseling was to make the relationship better, it is a severe uphill battle, which I imagine from a therapist's perspective makes couples counseling not exactly fun.

So I went through school, graduate program, six years for master's degree, and then an additional three years of apprenticeship, of hard apprenticeship under clinicians.

So it's a nine-year process to become a marriage and family therapist.

Nine years of training of them telling us, you will get burned out on this job.

Couples therapy is hard.

Couples don't actually usually get better.

Very few of them do.

How does a pair of people who have got ingrained responses, habituated thought patterns, routines built into their communication style, the way they relate to each other, the way that they show up to each other, how can it be the case that three sessions is all that it takes to deprogram something which, at the very least, we're taught should take 66 days to break and make a new habit?

What do you think about this?

So I'm supportive of it, but I don't find it surprising.

This really maps to the dynamics, male-female approach dynamics that we see in person, which is that the responsibility is on the man to approach and start the conversation with a woman.

It's not generally the woman who is the one needing to approach or start the conversation.

But what I would say is this woman who says she was writing carefully crafted messages is in the minority.

As someone who has looked at thousands of Bumble conversations, women generally send zero effort, one word responses like, hi.

And then the onus would still fall on the man to then come up with a creative or interesting conversation and steer that towards a date.

What are you hearing or what is it that women say about their desire to initiate versus their desire to be pursued? What have you learned there?

What's interesting or different about the dating scene? I

would say Dubai is not very representative of the Middle East.

It's got a completely different culture to Muslim values and culture in general.

The reason being is it is a playground for the rich and beautiful.

The entire city is Beverly Hills.

So what happens is the richest men in the world flock to Dubai.

It's got amazing perks if you want to make a lot of money.

And if you're looking for a real representation of Islam, Dubai is also not the place to go.

femininity at the moment? Do you think that women are struggling for good role models right now?

I do think so.

And you know, I know from my personal experience, I don't have a role model online.

I don't have a role model.

And if I do have any kind of role models, it will just be like some of the men in the field that have done really great work in psychology.

But I can't tell you there's a single woman that I've ever watched growing up and thought, I want to be like her.

And that's not because there's anything wrong with the women out there.

And

What did you find?

Well, I have to give credit where credit's due, but the most longstanding research into marriage and relationships was by the Gottman Institution.

And they did the most scientific and objective analysis of relationships.

And they studied 10,000 couples in a lab over a couple of days.

And they were able to predict with 80% accuracy which couples would stay together and which ones would get divorced within a year.

And it was so simple what they were able to find.

And it was simple thing as responding to each other's bids for connection.

What else have you found that is a predictor of a toxic or a negative or a declining relationship?

And it's a failure of using your own theory of mind.

You're very right.

It's also, I've been studying a lot into mirroring neurons, especially when we're little children.

So when we're born, we have the amygdala and then we have a lot of mirroring neurons.

It's two of the only structures that are really fully formed at birth.

And our mirroring neurons, we're supposed to have mom.

Mom is supposed to be paying attention to us and, and, looking at us and mirroring our expression to her so that we feel interesting to people just by existing.

And again, you know, a lot of this could come from parenting problems too.

This is why nice guys finish last.

And you really liked that other tweet I did with the werewolf and the happy puppy.

Nice guys look really fluffy at first and then really vicious at the end of it when you reject them.

It's because they earn good boy points and they are supposed to be rewarded.

They do nice things for you expecting to be repaid and you have to figure out what they want.

It's usually sex.

You have to figure out what they want and do it for them or they will be furiously angry that you didn't reciprocate the way the rules say that you have to.

So yeah, the resources thing, the over-pliability of men, and it's fundamentally why simping doesn't work.

Do you think the same is true in reverse?

No, unfortunately, it doesn't work the same way with women.

Not always.

It can sometimes, but it doesn't always work the same way because women, when they have children, good women with healthy women actually prioritize the children first and foremost.

And if she does, one of the priorities is becoming then super cautious of the man that she allows to enter into the man's world.

And if she's a really good mother, she tends to keep a good co-parenting relationship with the ex-husband.

And a lot of men don't feel comfortable with that.

What's that?

infidelity occurs most commonly in your experience

i would honestly say if you ever get cheated on i always i know people hate me for this but it's usually your fault and the reason i say that particularly with men a cheating woman shows you every red flag from day one if you choose to ignore red flags you'll pay the price in life you pay prices there's price tax Now everybody shows you that, cheaters show you they're going to be a cheat and how they show it is very simple, their values.

Maybe they'll show you that they've done it in the past, maybe they show you that they are not so traditional, maybe they show you that they don't believe in monogamy, maybe they're addicted to pornography.

Cheaters show you their past, they show you everything.

Now if you don't want to get cheated on, you either choose that cheater but know what the score is and then you don't get hurt or you know what's going to happen or But ignoring red flags is always going to land you in that position.

Now, whenever I have clients that have been cheated on a lot for five, six years, a man's got another mistress or three years, she's still been talking to her ex.

I was like, there's no way she can get to three years without you consenting.

Why do married women cheat?

... feel for you as a female woman of color that also happens to be an immigrant? Like, I, I imagine that it doesn't empower you or make you feel particularly good either.

No. I- i- in fact, I feel like, uh, the treatment based on your- my color, based on my status as an immigrant, um, it's as if it's a handicap, that I'm ...

That just because I was born a woman means I'm handicapped.

I feel like that's how people look at me, and it's, it's not with en- They're not looking at me with encouragement, but it's with pity, and it, it, it makes me, it makes me not ...

It doesn't make me feel empowered.

It makes me feel discouraged.

And I think, um, this desire, like you were saying, the cultural milieu is that ... is the rise of narcissism, right? And I, I think that's partly what I talk a ton about on my channel, is that especially amongst women, um, the perspective has become seesawing between, "I'm incredible," and, and, and then going the, on the other side, which narcissists do all the time, is that, "If anything is wrong in my life, it, the fault lies with someone else and their desire to bring me down." And that p- entire perspective creates a really hard shell around you as an individual that is almost impenetrable, where if you need to change and grow, if you need parts of you, like Jordan Peterson would say, like, if you need parts of you to die so that you can evolve to the next level, nothing's gonna ...

Who does that? Is that Warner Brothers that do that one?

... which I imagine from a therapist's perspective makes couples counseling, um, not exactly fun.

[laughs] So I went through school graduate program six years for master's degree and then an additional three years of apprenticeship, of hard apprenticeship under clinicians.

So it's nine-year process to become a marriage and family therapist.

Uh, nine years of training of them telling us, "You will want to...

You will get burned out on this job.

Couples therapy is hard.

Couples don't actually usually get better.

How does a pair of people who have got ingrained responses, habituated thought patterns, uh, um, routines built into their communication style, the way they relate to each other, the way that they show up to each other, how can it be the case that three sessions is all that it takes to deprogram something which, at the very least, we're taught should take 66 days to break and make a new habit?

Not everything is a diagnosable issue.

So many people hide behind a diagnosis and say, "I never have to get better." This is one of the biggest things with attachment issues too.

People take an attachment styles quiz and say, "Oh, I'm anxious attachment.

I will be that for the rest of my life." Absolutely not.

That is the medical system that says, "You have a disease.

We must treat you for the rest of your life.

You will go through 10 years of therapy and take five medications." As a- I was working as a psychologist, as, as a psychotherapist, I did in-home treatment for people, and some of my clients were on 27 different medications at the same time, and I would ask them what they were for, and they would not know, and at least 12 to 15 of those medications would be psychological medications.

... a young boy or girl and then also moving up into adulthood?

What's interesting or different about the dating scene? I

would say Dubai is not very representative of the Middle East.

It's got a completely different culture to Muslim values and culture in general.

The reason being is it is a playground for the rich and beautiful.

The entire city is Beverly Hills.

So what happens is the richest men in the world flock to Dubai.

It's got amazing perks if you want to make a lot of money.

And if you're looking for a real representation of Islam, Dubai is also not the place to go.

Do you think there's a crisis of femininity at the moment? Do you think that women are struggling for good role models right now?

I do think so.

And you know, I know from my personal experience, I don't have a role model online.

I don't have a role model.

And if I do have any kind of role models, it will just be like some of the men in the field that have done really great work in psychology.

But I can't tell you there's a single woman that I've ever watched growing up and thought, I want to be like her.

And that's not because there's anything wrong with the women out there.

Yeah, and