In the Isle of

Man, sorry.

So yeah, I quit forever.

I quit acting.

It's not happening again.

I'm very happy never doing any form of acting whatsoever.

So I got a proper job.

How long did it take to come to that decision?

In the Isle of

Man, sorry.

So yeah, I quit forever.

I quit acting.

It's not happening again.

I'm very happy never doing any form of acting whatsoever.

So I got a proper job.

How long did it take to come to that decision?

Right.

And then when that's kind of, when you have kind of the rug pulled from underneath you, you're just laid on the bare floor, and, and it's, it's...

It just made me think that, that even the reliance that I had on her being a safety net, I have to be my own safety net at some point.

But also, I have to allow other people to help me because, um, I think initially when she died, I went straight into the, to shutdown, and I don't think I've, uh, grieved or processed it still because I shut down because I needed to.

Um, and you know, even over the past couple of months, I'm probably sadder than I ever have been about it, but that's because I'm starting to open up rather than just shutting down.

Um, and, and, and a lot of that has come down to, to me changing the way I look at things and becoming more vulnerable.

And actually, the more vulnerable you become, the more you open yourself up to the feelings that you've repressed for, for quite some time.

Why?

[laughs]

Like, we're just like a poxy little podcast.

We're never gonna be able to kind of do something like the O2.

So then went away and thought, "Fuck it, maybe we could." And what I'm most proud of is not the show, it's the team and everyone.

Like Pippa had only just joined us.

Um, we'd just started on our own with the podcast and kind of set up the studios, and done all that sort of stuff.

And in that first year, as a team with no outside help-

Yeah.

And it's from various degrees.

It's difficult because there's so many different things that, you know, therapy, talk to your friends, do this, and there's so many different other, uh, or, or different avenues for people to go down if they are struggling.

But it's also can be quite disconcerting for people if they try these things, and they still feel like shit.

And actually, really fundamentally, it all comes down to understanding yourself better, and I'm a complete work in progress with that.

Do you know what I mean? You know, Man Made is, is, is certainly not about me giving this ...

It's just about hearing someone's story and, and, and listening.

It's not about me giving an answer to anyone, 'cause fucking hell, if you're gonna come to anyone for advice, it ain't me.

... what was that like?

[laughs]

Um, I, [laughs] I, um, I've always had this, this fucking dream.

You know, like, if you go to Italy and you see these really well-dressed, like, old gray guys that are always in suits and they're just sitting there with, like, coffee-

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I looked more

like Nicolas Cage in Con Air.

Do you know what I mean? I was just receding hairline and hair blowing in the wind.

I've been Vegas quite a few times.

I love Vegas.

It's one of my favourite cities.

I just adore it.

Bafti got an Oscar.

it? What were the looks for different months? LAUGHTER

I can't even say it was a straight place.

But it was just because at the time, everyone watched it.

It's less so now because there's so many different things.

But I just found it really embarrassing.

I still find it embarrassing now.

Because I don't get it.

have to have my top off?

You don't like watching yourself?

No, I can't stand.

But also, it's work, isn't it? Most people don't watch themselves at work.

Actually, that's very true.

You know what I mean? But I think the danger is when you kind of watch yourself, you start to self-edit, and I think that's what a lot...

Like, the whole reality thing, when I started it, there was only, like, us, Made In Chelsea and Geordie Shore, there wasn't Love Island, there wasn't all that sort of stuff.

And everyone was very much kind of themselves on TV then because we didn't, you know, it wasn't really a career.

Or was it a little bit more...