And what about someone's actual experience treating the problem?

I think it's really important, right? If I'm seeking trauma treatment, I want to know what training experience the clinician had in trauma.

Is it a lot or is it a couple courses, right? And then they go on from there and say they treat trauma, right? It's an ongoing process.

It's a never-ending learning process.

There's all kinds of new type of trauma treatment out there coming out every day.

And yet some people only use one or two methods, right? And that's okay, but you need to be informed on what's out there, right? If a program says it's attachment-based, well, how do you understand attachment? Did you actually study it or did you read a book about it, right? what are you going to help the client get from your wealth of knowledge that's what i work for right and if i'm seeking treatment for sex addiction or compulsive sexual behavior i want to know how much experience the clinician has treating this particular problem i also think it's reasonable to ask about their lived experience with this problem, right? Have they experienced this in their own lives? Or is it something that they learned and now they're treating, right? And I'm not saying that's wrong.

I'm just saying people with lived experience in the addiction itself seem to have a better grasp on how to treat the addiction in others.

So what's the main thing you want somebody listening to remember?

But Dr. Barta, what does a man actually do when his partner is angry, hurt, or asking difficult questions?

Well, we learn to listen differently.

And Corey, the reason I'm digging in on these so much is because I'm developing and hopefully it's going to be available soon where I'm doing a one day that's more based on my reconnection model of what we need to do to become the man that can be there for our partner.

right to help her through this right after she's discovered what do i need to know now what do i need to integrate with inside of me to be able to be the person who's capable of helping her through this time because it's huge so again you know part of this is learning to listen differently because Most of us guys listen to words, right? We follow words like we're tracking a bird in the sky, right? We never learned, but we're going to learn if we want to get better and we want to help our partner.

We have to learn to listen for what is underneath the words.

It's never about the words.

What is under the words? Your partner may not be delivering her pain in perfect therapeutic language, but everything she's doing is expressing her pain.

Is there a simple process men can remember during those conversations?

So I know some people will ask, what if what she's saying isn't completely accurate?

And that often happens, right? And it drives the men crazy.

And they want to immediately defend.

And it gets them in all kinds of trouble.

right? You can't argue with perception.

It's her perception, right? Perceptions are always correct, whether or not they fit the real story or not, right? She's having a perception.

And why you get into trouble is because they're listening like they're an attorney, right? She said, you never cared about me.

So what should the man do when he notices this happening?

So if those things don't work, what should a partner do?

Well, the first thing is to stop trying to convince him that he has a problem.

He already knows he has a problem, right? Most men, they're going to know this long before they admit it.

The issue isn't awareness, it's willingness.

Second, be clear about reality.

Instead of arguing about whether he's addicted, start talking about the impact of the addiction.

Things like this behavior is destroying our relationship.

What should she do then?

So what led you to create it?

Well, for years, I watched men go through therapy and gain insight.

They understood their childhood.

They could understand their trauma.

They understood why they were doing what they were doing, but they weren't changing.

And the reason is, is because they were understanding things intellectually, but they were still acting out.

They're still lying.

What is awareness?